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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I just get over this? Sibling dissapointment

22 replies

ADH14 · 08/11/2023 23:39

I'll try to get straight to the point as rather long. I have an older sister. We live in different countries. She got married first - I planned her wedding because she couldn't be bothered. This took any spare time I had for over half a year because they wanted a big wedding but were on a budget so to save I did a lot of stuff myself. I topped that off with a substantial cash present as well. By the time she had child no 1 I had moved abroad - I returned home a feew weeks before the child's christening to plan it, with loads of gifts in tow + cash gift for christening. I have a child, in the country I now live in - she did not bother to ring/write for the first few weeks of my baby's life. I got married and had childs christening - she did not attend due to how much it would have cost them to come here; again no congrats/gifts. She had child no 2 and complains about costs of 2 children so I start sending her everything my child outgrows (actually make a point of keeping everything in new like condition so they can use it). A few weeks back we went back to home country for the first time since having my child, again loads of gifts in tow ( stuff she requested + money my husband gave the kids) - my sister in return has barely acknowledged my child, did not get her absolutely anything. And when I mean anything I mean not even a piece of candy. Now, I would like to think I am not a materialistic person and I was not expecting much anyway but I mean...nothing? This has made me really resentful towards her, especially as I know that her husband has about 7 nieces/nephews and they regularly give them gifts/money. Now to the AIBU part - I want to stop sending her my daughters' stuff but my husband says I am being unreasonable/should just get over it/I'm not sending it for them, but for their child/having to buy all this stuff for their child will put a further financial strain on them. What do you lovely mums think/what would you do?

OP posts:

Restinggoddess · 08/11/2023 23:50

Stop sending things to your entitled sister

Rakszasa · 09/11/2023 00:06

I would've stopped a long time ago.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/11/2023 00:08

Stop sending stuff if they find times hard they can approach his 7 nieces/nephews parents

forrestgreen · 09/11/2023 00:13

I would have stopped as soon as things were unbalanced.

She wants a life where she doesn't give gifts or time to your family, so that's what I'd do in return.

hoobanoobie · 09/11/2023 00:24

Nope, she's shown her true colours and doesn't give a fig. Don’t send her anything else. She's lucky you went to so much effort for her. Her behaviour since has defined your relationship and how much she cares. Leave it there, you've done more than enough. Going forward, the ball is in her court. If she doesn't bother then that's where it gets left.
You've been brilliant, she's let you down. Leave it now. It's not on you anymore.

saoirse31 · 09/11/2023 00:25

I think yanbu for obvious reasons, but i also like your husbands attitude. If you're not going to use clothes again, sending them is a nice thing to do. Also, and somewhat meanly, you keep the moral high ground which is always nice. And more beneficially , hopefully your two kids end up with a relationship with their cousins who will hopefully not be like their mother.

SammyScrounge · 09/11/2023 00:33

There are charities here which would welcome donations of children's clothes. Times are tough for young families these days.

Lieblingsessen · 09/11/2023 00:38

saoirse31 · 09/11/2023 00:25

Edited

The OP has stated that her sister and husband give presents and money to their other nieces and nephews, just not to the OP's child. So they appear to be not that hard up.

The OP has realised enough is enough and leave her rude, ungrateful, inconsiderate sister to it.

The OP's child's old clothes should instead be donated to somewhere like a women's refuge, where they can be given to others that will actually appreciate them.

Doyoumind · 09/11/2023 00:40

You sound like a bit of a martyr. Did she insist you do all that planning? Did she insist you give her the money and old clothes? If she didn't, then more fool you. If she did, then tell her where to go.

Spudsanyway · 09/11/2023 00:41

More the fool you! 🧐

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/11/2023 00:41

I have had a similar situation with a sibling requesting and happily receiving expensive gifts from me for her and her child but not buying my children anything whatsoever.

She seems to think I am rich (I am not).

I have decided to stop. No more gifts. I'm not a give to receive type at all, I happily bought her and her child gifts for years, but there comes a point when you realise you are being taken for a mug (when you don't even get a thank you because no doubt, she deemed the last gifts not expensive enough), and I'm at an age now where I will not accept that any longer.

So that's it, no more gifts.

AgaMM · 09/11/2023 00:42

Very common when one sibling moves abroad. The one(s) that remains in the home country believe the one living abroad is now wealthy and living the high life, so expect things from the one abroad, but never ever return the favour.

Stop being so generous. You’re only going to carry on getting hurt.

momonpurpose · 09/11/2023 01:37

Stop.

Ponoka7 · 09/11/2023 01:45

Is she working, does she have her own money? Unless he was super controlling there's no excuse for not messaging congratulations. I'd want the connection with my niece, so I'd still send the stuff.

Original poster

ADH14 · 09/11/2023 08:01

Thanks a lot everyone for taking the time to read all that and respond to me. Feels good to see I'm not necessarily a mean person for feeling the way I do.
@Doyoumind the way it went with the planning of events. She would come and say they were having x event and wanted held at y place but have no time to do it/money to pay proffessionals. When I would propose we do it together my mother would interfere and say I must help my sister.
It's been the same with the gifts being given at those events/for her children.
To be honest, I kind of expected that they would have the same attitude towards me in return but...hey ho.
@Ponoka7 both of them have pretty good jobs back in our home country, which is not necessarily a poor/underdeveloped part of the world. She always gushes about how nice her husband is so I would imagine its just her not caring. When I gave birth my mother stayed with me for a few weeks and she would ring and speak to my mother, just not me...which to be fair really hurt.

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 09/11/2023 08:06

I just can't get beyond you organising your sister's wedding because she 'couldn't be bothered'. She's a leech and a user and you need boundaries. Give the outgrown clothes to charity and don't do a single thing for her again.

Original poster

ADH14 · 09/11/2023 22:28

@ReadingSoManyThreads how has your relationship been since you've stopped?
To be honest, I wouldn"t like to just be more like distant acquaintances than sisters but then again I don't really think I can keep my mouth shut about it anymore.
I absolutely hate the thinking we're rich/remarks about it when we're actually really far from it and instead just being very veeery mindful with our money because we have no one to fall back on.

OP posts:

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/11/2023 22:33

ADH14 · 09/11/2023 22:28

Not much help to you, but I went 'no contact' at the same time, so no relationship anymore, there was more to it, she was always really mean to be and would send me nasty messages, so I just stopped responding and have gone radio silent. That doesn't sound like something you want to do though.

It's a tricky situation, because you're being treated in an unacceptable way, and I do feel you need to address it, but you would need to be prepared for a fall out over it. There's no reasoning with people like this in my experience.

Original poster

ADH14 · 09/11/2023 22:39

@ReadingSoManyThreads I am really sorry to hear of your experience and that you've had to go no contact.
Going no contact with her is not something I necessarily want but I am aware that if I bring this up she'll do that anyway. Never expected for family dynamics to be so complicated

OP posts:

Kitkatcatflap · 10/11/2023 01:23

That all sounds very hurtful OP. When you have gone to so much effort for your sister and she's doesn't appear to care a lot about your life or your family.

It shouldn't matter even if you were rich, basic manners cost nothing. An excited chat about your new baby and your sister declaring how much she is looking forward to meeting her. A gift to welcome the new baby, isn't that standard? It sounds as if she she had her nose put out of joint when you had a child.

As others have suggested, stop buying gifts - if any comments are made, You just have to say 'I'm following your lead, and stopped buying gifts'

If you take the reins on this relationship with your sister you will feel much better.

GrumpNoDog · 10/11/2023 01:28

Continue to send things you no longer need, for the kids' sake. But dear God stop with the gifts and the cash. Of course she thinks you're rich!

Minibreak2023 · 10/11/2023 01:48

I would stop sending her clothes. the lengths you're going to are astonishing. she is taking it all for granted.

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