If crying wasn't "safe" for you as a child can you ever cry in front of people now?

[Fukitall]

As an adult?

I keep crying all day privately and am terrified I will lose control and cry in my therapy appointment tomorrow. The idea is so horrifying and distressing I am literally irritated at myself for being so ridiculous. But it's really frightening.

It doesn't even make sense in terms of the fact that when I first attended this therapist I actually did cry at times because I could not prevent it. Now I've managed to stop doing that but it's like it's coming back and it's way worse now because I feel like I "know" her more so it's more mortifying? It was literally easier when she was a stranger but obviously still not idea.

Do I sound completely insane or can anyone identify with this fear of crying? I was never physically abused for crying or anything as a child but unfortunately at key times when I cried from something really distressing like a death I was shouted at and made to feel disgusting.

Crying if someone can see me just does something awful to me it's honestly so distressing.

Anyone else?

I'm so tired of all this bullshit. I know now tomorrow all I can do is kind of detach myself from the emotions to make sure I don't lose control in my appointment and that ends up feeling not great either.

Wish I was a normal person.

I can completely identify, I can't even cry when I am alone without ridiculing myself. I grew up being ridiculed and punished for crying.

You aren’t abnormal. Some people find it easier to let go in front of others. Some don’t.

the effects of how you were treated as a child are not your fault.

your therapist will have seen lots of people cry. Try and let the therapy take it’s natural course and if that makes you feel ‘allowed’ to cry then I think you should give yourself permission

If crying just makes me feel so distressed and utterly humiliated though, is that not almost doing more damage to me emotionally in the long run? I think that is why it feels I urgently have to not let it happen.

I get waves of shame thinking I let it happen before. It makes me feel so gross and disgusting.

I do understand therapists see people cry every day and don't bat an eyelid.

I wholly understand OTHER people having emotions, it is only unacceptable for me.

I'm so sorry you get it

Yes, I wasn’t allowed to cry as a child and got shouted at and hit for it. I can’t cry now in front of others, even my DH. I spent a long time as a child learning to control my crying so that I kept it back until I could cry silently by myself at night so that’s all I can do now.

Make some time and space to be private and undisturbed by other people. Try deliberately crying for as long as you can. As loud and as long as possible. You won't die of shame, you'll just fear it. It's not possible to die from crying.

Once you've done this for an hour or maybe less you'll find you have broken through as it were. You will feel your body be physically shifted.

Think of it as an exploration of yourself, on your own terms.

Absolutely

me to a tee

i see a therapist and used to have a mortal shame that I would cry and leave the appointment puffy eyed and snotty. She would always say: ‘what does it matter if people see you cry?’

and it made me think that if I saw someone upset, all I would feel was compassion.

i couldn’t cry for anything, I’d get angry instead. Floodgates have opened slightly and it’s still tricky. I cried at work today, not my finest hour but definitely being pushed to my limits.

i think it is ok and normal to cry when things are difficult

Yes, I can relate too OP.

it is incredibly frustrating and can bring up a lot of shame but it also makes sense if the messages we received growing up were that crying was wrong / bad / shameful / inappropriate/ any other negative descriptor.

have you spoken to your therapist about your fear of crying in your appointments? This sounds like it could be an important piece of the “work” for you, and maybe focusing on this with her could lead to an unblocking after some gentle exploration (which could take a while!!)

as it seems like this could get in the way of what your main reason(s) for attending therapy are if you’re struggling to stay present. Sending strength - you are no way insane. 💐

When I was little, crying was dismissed as 'blubbering'. No matter what the cause or provocation, it was made to sound like a sign of weakness.

To this day I hate to cry in front of others. It's not to say I don't cry because I do. I just try to keep it private.

No advice really. Except to say crying is a normal human response to sad situations and I hope we both just get on board with that.

Just following up to say that it sounds very much like you were rejected as a child for crying at times, I wonder if that fear is still there for you? Maybe knowing your therapist more now means the relationship feels stronger / there’s more at stake if she were to also reject your tears? Lots to explore and I might be way off the mark - just a perspective

I use to feel like this, but as cliche as it sounds, it gets easier the more you do it. The more you see people’s safe reaction to you crying, the safer you feel crying.

as it seems like this could get in the way of what your main reason(s) for attending therapy are if you’re struggling to stay present

Yes exactly. And again I'm so sorry that you understand what I mean, I wish none of us did.

I have to mildly dissociate and talk about the things in a cold detached way imagining a kind of wall between the feelings and me talking about the feelings. It is actually really physically and mentally uncomfortable to do but it isn't safe to let myself "feel" the feelings at that moment in case I lose it and start to cry.

It's so awful it feels similar to the fear of having the shits in public or something. That's how I'd describe it to anyone reading this who isn't sure why it's so frightening and embarrassing.

I identify a lot with this. Similar childhood experiences and inability to cry as an adult. Though I can cry a bit now, I remember it all started in a group therapy session and I felt v embarrassed . But I wasn't the only one struggling with this issue. They were very nice about it . I still am not really a crier but I've reached a stage in my healing where I don't feel like I need to cry about the abuse anymore I still struggle with CPTSD and related issues but that constant feeling of needing to cry and being unable to has gone.

It's a common response in trauma survivors and you aren't alone @Fukitall . I know it takes a lot to penetrate through the shame and self disgust but it's possible to heal. If your therapist is a good one they won't invalidate your tears.

Completely relate to the dissociation and struggle staying present also.

What do you mean by a safe reaction?

What I experience when somebody can see me cry is like a thick wall develops between me and the other person. I am on the wrong side of the wall because of my terrible flaws and I feel even worse and more alone and disgusting.

I really needed to read this post OP, I am so glad you have posted it.
I love my family, please don't get me wrong, but they are stoic as heck. We don't talk emotions, love is shown via practical help, and we just don't do hugs. I am of a different disposition. I am much gentler, don't do the whole 'pull yourself together' thing. And yes, I do cry when upset
I have lived with this up until now until my beloved gran died 6 months ago. I have noticed how for the first time in life, the time in my life I am at my most vulnerable, I can't turn to family (not even my mum who I love more than anyone). Can't handle it. If I am crying, life carries on around me. Tapping into a phone awkwardly, I get a 'common sense talk' but never a hug or a gentle voice, get frustrated at me. I've been told I 'have depression' (I am crying as I have lost my gran, and all the horrible feeling that grief throws up with it - a lot of self doubt, fear for the future etc). Things are turned round on me 'how do you think that makes me feel/there is always someone worse off/you are feeling sorry for yourself/your reactions are hurtful.

I have been speaking a lot to the lovely lady vicar who took my gran's funeral. She is so gentle and kind, and validates my feelings. She has encouraged me to research emotional needs, and unmet ones, and I am seeing a lot of painful reality. I know I can't involve family in my grief journey (not to say I don't love them - I really do, but they can't help me here), and that is so hard. My health has really suffered. I was numb for about 3 months, but now I cry a lot, mainly alone, but I have done in front of her a couple of times (when talking on Zoom - never in person yet. I would actually love it to happen in person. I know she would put her arms round me and hug me tightly, and I need that so so much). So much pent up emotion. I actually fainted right before the funeral. Yes that caused concern - but I wanted that concern and support the weeks before! I am a stone lighter (and was small to begin with), I have very high blood pressure, constant headaches, insomnia...and I am sure all that could be cured by a bit of understanding and compassion.
Sorry this is really long. I can just identify. And I am in pain. I hope you are ok.

Glad it resonated @Mariposista though as with the others who said similar, I'm sorry we all have this difficulty.

In the end I went to my appointment and explained how wretchedly uncomfortable I was. I didn't even get around to saying about crying, but explained the utter shame about the things that brought me to therapy, and about how it is so physically uncomfortable.

Nope, crying wasn't at all permitted in our house as a child. It was hushed away and we were told to stop making a fuss.

I'm 43 and I've never cried in front of another adult and I don't think I will, it's something that makes me feel shameful and embarrassed