Food etiquette in social situations?

[readingwalker]

I go to a couple of groups. In one group someone brings an iced cake each week. I always decline and have explained once that it I have an intolerance, so they know it's not personal. The same things happens in another group, but less regularly, that someone brings in some food that I politely decline. It's not an allergy where something bad will happen if I have a piece, just a mild stomach upset, but I prefer to avoid that.

I find when I decline food in social situations (which are not about the food as their primary goal, that's just a side thing), I get the impression that I'm being offensive by not taking a piece of what is offered. Is it the polite thing to take the food in social situations? Am I being rude? I join in for the activity, the food just happens to be on offer.

My AIBU is, AIBU to decline the food on offer? Is it really socially obligatory to graciously accept food on offer?

No I wouldn't take something I didn't want or couldn't have, I would confidently just say no thank you but thanks for offering. If they want to be offended that's up to them.

“I get the impression that I'm being offensive by not taking a piece of what is offered”

Given that you “get the impression” rather than have something specific to relate, it sounds like you’re over thinking it.

You’re overthinking it. I rarely / never accept cake / biscuits / sweets offered because I don’t have a sweet tooth and don’t much like them. And that’s what I always say. Nobody gets offended. Unless you’re also wrinkling your nose up or giving the impression you think their cooking is shit, declining because you’re intolerant to ingredients is totally fine.

It’s fine.
I take food in all the time to work and I’m not offended if someone doesn’t want any.
I actually always decline food other people have brought as I have intolerances.

Are you thin? Could people be getting the impression you aren’t taking cake/treats because it’s unhealthy and be extrapolating that you are judging them for eating it?

(doesn’t happen to me, I’m fat and eat anything 😃 but I have noticed this sort of dynamic- sometimes because the person saying no IS judging everyone else for eating junk [my sister], and sometimes just because someone is thin and people presume they are judging).

I don't think I'm overthinking it. I didn't think it was a problem. I'm just wondering if there's some unwritten rule I'm breaking. Here's what happens:

Group 1: Woman cuts up the cake during the break and offers it around. I always say, "No thank you." She walks around the group. When I say no, she stops in her tracks and looks at me hard. I'm the only one in the group that doesn't have any. When she hasn't been there and someone else has brought something I find okay, I have taken a bit. She won't know that though.

Groups 2: More of a crafting type group. A woman brings in something occasionally that she has made as a treat for the group. I politely decline and I get a sense that I'm being rude (again, everyone else takes it, including my daughter who attends this one group with me) because she made it specially as a gift for the group. Sometimes in this group she has given something small wrapped up. I take it home and don't have it. She doesn't know that.

Another occasion: Someone brought something from their culture for a celebration day. I declined. Someone in the group told me I should expand my horizons and not be scared of food I didn't have experience of from other cultures. The focus of this group is not food oriented, so no-one here has a clue what my regular diet is like. I have a diverse diet from lots of cultures.

I am always polite when I decline. I explain I have digestive issues if I need to, so people know it's not personal. My issue is wheat and that is in everything. It won't kill me but I prefer not to spend the rest of the day with bloating and heartburn.

No, I'm a little overweight at the moment. When the groups go out to a cafe once every three months I do have a coffee.

Nope, even after your update you're still way overthinking it.

Honestly, no-one cares as much as you. They'll be more interested in what they're about to eat.

The consensus seems to be that I'm not unreasonable, so I'll just go ahead and keep declining. I do take coffee with them. They can have their reactions. I just wanted to check if there was some unwritten rule I wasn't aware of. I was second guessing myself.

Ah well, they are being weird. Try and ignore it- you don’t have to eat something just because some fool keeps offering you something after you have explained you are intolerant. You could try being very direct- “no thank you, if I eat wheat I’ll vomit on the table and no one wants that!”.

It does seem like you're really overthinking it. Just decline and job done.

I take food into my office all the time. I don't keep track of who eats it and who doesn't I wouldn't know but it's always gone.

The ones who's staring at you - this is a her problem not a you problem but it's annoying.

I do sympathise. In a previous job sone colleagues were obsessed with what I ate or didn't and it made me feel violated quite often.

OP don't give this any more headspace. Of course it's not impolite to decline a piece of cake, or any other thing someone tries to feed you that you don't want for whatever reason. Anyone who takes offence to that or tries to guilt you about it is rude and insensitive themselves. Just keep on politely declining and eventually they will relent.

Everyone on MN constantly seems to think they are getting “rude looks” from other people.

Do you not just say, 'no thank you, I can't eat wheat'? Surely no one could be offended at that?!

I wouldn't go into detail about intolerance rather than allergy, because you'll get people who don't believe in intolerances, or think you can have one cake as it's not very big or something like that.

I don’t think it’s an issue.
Could you take something in occasionally ? With or without wheat in-doesn’t have to be a big deal

Come to think of it, the woman in the first example is extremely straight forward and blunt in her opinions on everything, so her reaction is just in keeping with that. Maybe she doesn't believe me and thinks it's an excuse? Ah well, she can think whatever she wants.

You aren’t obligated to share your medical condition, but just saying that you are wheat intolerant should go a long way towards getting people to understand.

xpost, ignore this

Good suggestion but I wouldn't want to tread on anyone's toes. It's a bit of a group tradition that this woman brings something in (same thing each week), I think it might not go down well if I tried to change it. It's a bit like 'her thing.'

Have you told them you have intolerances? If you haven't then surely you just say something like "No thank you, it looks lovely but I have food intolerances so I have to be careful with what I eat" so that it is clear you are declining for a specific reason the first time and if you have told them (or they keep offering even after you've explained) then any subsequent time you just remind them "It looks lovely but as I have mentioned before I can't eat it due to my food intolerance".

I would imagine that if you are getting "looks" from the other people then it's because you are constantly declining without explanation whereas most people would either accept every time; refuse with an explanation or accept sometimes and give polite explanations occasionally as to why they have said no this time ("Thanks but I've just had lunch", "Thanks but I'm avoiding chocolate this week", "Looks lovely but I don't like carrot cake" etc).

No you are not unreasonable. I have only once been offended when someone refused my food, but it was the way she did it, nit that she did not want any. She took a look and declared it not worth the calories 🙀

I no long care what others think, if I don't want or can't eat something I won't. At the end of the day food & drink impacts everyone differently be it weight wise or due to an allergy or intolerance so no one should feel pressure, social or otherwise to confirm if it doesn't work for them.

It’s always bloody cake, isn’t it? I don’t eat cake. I don’t like it. Women do press you if you turn down cake because all women are supposed to be mad for cake, aren’t we? I had a manager who used to bring in cakes for everyone else at meetings and Cheddars just for me. Best boss.

rather than decline I’d say ‘I can’t, but thanks’,