How can you make sure your children grow up with a healthy self esteem

[tigersneigbourhood]

I've always really struggled with low self esteem. I still do and I'm almost 40.

I was academically good at school, my parents encouraged me and supported and still really believe in me. I sometimes don't really know why I always doubt myself.

I guess the root causes of low self esteem often stem from over critical parents / teachers etc. I just don't feel like I really fit in that category.

I really don't want my kids to feel like me when they're older.

For people who have good self esteem, how did that come about ? How do you teach your children to believe in themselves and that they're enough ?

By supporting your child but also allowing them the freedom to fuck up and have to deal with it. By allowing them age appropriate autonomy from the moment they can communicate. By telling them it's perfectly OK to not like someone/tell someone to fuck off etc.

These are really good 👍

You might have low self-esteem because you often got things 100% right as a young child, were praised for that, and then as you got older you absorbed the idea that being ‘good’ swung on maintaining high, or even perfect, achievement when that’s impossible as you grow - tasks become more complex, nuanced and just difficult, and always ‘getting it right’ isn’t possible or desirable. Is that anywhere near the truth?

This is exactly why my husband is happy that our eldest is in the mid third at school (or thereabouts) doing well, but not finding everything easy peasy. Teaches him that he has to work for things

Yes I think there's definitely a lot of truth in that. My parents still sometimes say stuff like ' just don't know how you turned out how you did in some ways because you were very confident and we always encouraged you '.

I remember when I first started struggling a lot with depression and low self esteem and just thinking how I had 'let myself down'. Kind of like I was born to he good at stuff but I ruined myself when I went out on my own. My parents said stuff like that to me as well. I was great when under their influence but fucked stuff up when I was left to do my own thing. They are proud but when they talk about me as a child, it's like they had incredibly high expectations of me because I was so smart and so obedient etc.

They also sometimes seem a bit disappointed in my children. My children are still really young. Under 5. They say stuff like ' oh you already did this or that ' at their age. They don't make me feel great about my parenting either. I think they think I'm a bit shit and they expected me to be better than I am because I was so clever / well mannered as a child.

I want my children to grow up differently, for sure. It's ok to struggle and it's about effort and attitude rather than results.

Recommend reading the danish way of parenting. Give the kids and internal locus of control. Demonstrate that people can’t talk to you like shit (eg if my child talks to me rudely etc I say, ‘I don’t play with people who speak to me like that’ 😄 gives them a phrase to say themselves if someone at school is being horrible too, so bonus). Stuff like that really.

Tell them they are loved. Tell them they don’t have to be the best at everything but should try their best. Tell them not to compare themselves to others - there will probably always be a better singer or footballer or writer or swimmer etc than them. Be the best they can.Enjoy what they do.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
stick with things, don’t give up to easily.

Be polite, especially to adults, it’ll get them a long way but don’t put up with friends who are hurtful, unkind.They aren’t really friends.
And if you can get them to understand that when most people are unkind, thoughtless, mean it’s THAT persons problem, it’s really nothing to do with them at all - you’ll be giving them a gift.

And keep them OFF social
media. Snapchat. TikTok.No YouTube channel. Don’t let them fall into the trap of needing ‘likes’ and validation from strangers or ‘friends’ at school.

And if you can get them to understand that when most people are unkind, thoughtless, mean it’s THAT persons problem, it’s really nothing to do with them at all - you’ll be giving them a gift.

This is super powerful indeed. Hard to remember sometimes !

Oh I really hope that is true. Both my kids are quite good at school but it doesn't come as easily as it did for me. When I finished my first degree and started doing research it was like a ton of bricks hitting me, trying to get used to not knowing the answer. I would really like my kids to have a bit more resilience than I did and not take it all so seriously either.

I tell my son every single day that i am proud of him and i love him. Even if he's been a shit. I support all his decisions with gentle guidance and i am very affectionate towards him. He is a high achiever at school but i always tell him just aslong as he is happy, i am happy. All things i didnt get from mine!

Our kids they know they are loved unconditionally but we aren’t their friends, we’re their parents. We hear to guide them, support them, keep them safe and be their biggest cheerleaders but also to temper their behaviours too. We love them, but we don’t always like their behaviour!

Give children the ability to have autonomy and choices, and set their own boundaries with things they are/aren't comfortable with
Allow children to express their feelings and discuss them with you (this is often seen as talking back)
Teach respectful communication by speaking respectfully yourself
Allow children to make mistakes, recognise this ok, and work through then
Be a safe space and not a critic

Encourage a growth mindset over a fixed mindset eg: you worked really hard on that, rather than you're so clever!

Agree re locus of control which ties in nicely with the growth mindset.

Il tell my son and will continue to tell him that I love him no matter what, my love is unconditional and there is nothing he can do that would ever make me stop loving him.

Il also be telling him I don't care what career path he takes - as long as what he does is legal and ethical I will support him no matter what as long as he is happy and healthy!

Il be telling him I couldn't care less what grades he gets as long as he tries his best.

And that mistakes are normal and something to learn and grow from.

I came from a very highly strung and perfectionist family and I don't want the stress I had for my children.

Agree with PP, if you did well at school, it can be a real shock when, at some point, you struggle

Competitive sport is good for self esteem. Sometimes, your best isn't good enough, you lose a match, but the sun still comes up in the morning, life carries on and you go back next week and do it all again

It is quite difficult to give people self-esteem, I think especially women are prone to low self-esteem, doubts about self, doubts about appearance, even those who have been well parented and well supported. Undermining, criticising, not seeing the good, not sharing humanness (everyone fails, everyone is a bit crap) all take away esteem, but I don't think there's a magic way of always having high self-esteem, I wish there was!

Defo not telling them its ok to tell someone to Fuck Off! i couldn't believe i read that!!!

For me and my DD it was hobbies support reassurance love communication and its ok to mess up but learn from it.

Competitive sport is good for self esteem i found the opposite, whilst can, up to a point, be good for mental strength, once a child goes from local sport to regional/county/national they start to get beat, often give up and feel total failures, v difficult to deal with.

Get them to do hobbies they can fail at. Activities where they can feel they achieve something outside of the school structure.

Show them you do things wrong sometimes and it doesn't matter.

I think crafts are quite good for trying, mucking up, realising that's fine.

You basically need to practise failing, if you do well at school you don't get experience of it.

Alongside a supportive family and achieving academically (was never good at sports or hobbies) I would say my self-esteem has been most linked to my positive friendship group which has lasted 35 years (I'm 40).

“my parents encouraged me and supported and still really believe in me. I sometimes don't really know why I always doubt myself.”
That’s not always true, I’ve read that if you were praised for achievements as a child rather than efforts, when you grow up you would expect being praised all the time, which obviously can’t happen in adult life and could start chipping away at your self esteem. I can’t remember the name of the book, by Clare someone about children’s psychology.

You’ve had good advice, but one of the single best things you can do is to model good self-esteem, good relationships and boundaries.

Model failing and being ok with it. Talk about making mistakes. Drop your standards and show them that fucking up is absolutely fine. Shrug it off.

Definitely makes sense.

Let them make their own mistakes. Flipping hard! Just be there to soothe the bump, wash the clothes, give the hugs!

No advice OP, but I sound exactly like you, and my son (20yo) has great self esteem. I've always found it easier to encourage and compliment other people in a way I can't accept for myself.