Family drama.

[Username5688865]

So I have two sister in laws, both were pregnant at the same time. Sister in law A and brother A didn't tell the family for 3 days that baby nephew A had been born, our mum wasn't allowed to visit for 5 weeks and the wider family didn't get to meet the baby until he was 3 months old and a year on we are not given the opportunity to really see them. All fair enough I'm fully supportive of doing whats best for you after birth and understand she's closer to her own mum and family. Sister in law B had nephew B and asked mum and I over the day she had the baby and has involved us in their life. 8 months on we've really bonded often babysitting or just visiting. We had a family lunch with both sister in laws and brothers there and I said how excited I was to have nephew b next weekend so sister in law and brother B could go shopping. Sister in law A then lost it saying no one bothers with her child and how awful we are for favoring one over the other. I told her this isn't the case, we don't have favourites, we've just been allowed to spend more time with nephew B and haven't been kept at arms length. AIBU to think you can't have it both ways? I feel like I can't do right for trying.

You reap what you sow and unless there's a huge backstory you're missing out, then she's a-sowin'.

SIL A has taken it too far and is now jelous. She obviously wanted to set boundaries early on but probably wanted you to work round them and develop a balance that suited her. It obviously hasn't happened that way and now she's feeling left out and maybe the way you said it felt like a dig. I think you need an open honest conversation about it without playing any blame games.

What did she say when you said you’ve been kept at arms length? I’d maybe use this as an opportunity to build a relationship with the nephew. Offer to babysit him and see what she says. She can’t have it both ways

I wouldn’t be able to work up any sympathy for A couple. They chose to exclude family and they get what they get.

To me it depends on how much effort everyone made. She had her reasons for wanting to keep everyone away when the baby was newborn. This could have been to do with her health or mental health, you'll probably never know.Has she deliberately kept everyone away since then, or have your family taken the approach of "if she didn't want us then, we aren't trying now"?

It’s a bit difficult to make any conclusions from your description. My mum might say that I behaved as A when DD was a baby and preferred MIL coming for a visit. However MIL was coming on her own just for a weekend, she stayed with DH while I was able to go shopping etc, didn’t comment much and ate simple food. Whereas my Mum insisted on coming for longer, brought Dad with her (who was smoking at that point and liked watching TV loudly in a small apartment), they both commented on my style of parenting, house stuff, clothes, appearance. They also didn’t want to listen me and didn’t want to consider DD’s disability while doing things with her. So I couldn’t trust them and leave DD with them.
DD is teen but my Mum still thinks that it’s all me being difficult but she’s always behaved brilliantly.
Im not saying that it’s your case as well but I’m just saying that things might be not so simple.

I think this is spot on

My bro + SIL keep everyone at arms length. They don't see the irony of moaning about never going out alone + rejecting an offer to babysit in the next breath. They live in their own little world + prioritise what they want to, never the wider family.
Its a little sad I don't know my niece well, but there is a limit to what you can do one sidedly. To live with myself, I do what I can + never exclude them, knowing they'll do it themselves.

A is a prick.

You need to bounce this back on family A.

They clearly needed/wanted space to deal with/enjoy being a new version of their family - you've given them that space. If they want you to have a close relationship with them and baby A then they need to be more open to visiting/having visitors like family B are. After a very obvious and protracted time period of virtually no visiting they need to make the first steps in making it clear that they would like more contact.

There are no favourites, you've just responded to the tempo set by both families.

I love it when the first post is what I am thinking, but articulates even better than I could!!

Thanks everyone. There is no big back story. Myself and mum have offered help but we're told it's ok my mum is doing it (A's mum). Mum lives with us as she is a widow and my husband works overseas a lot so she always makes extra effort with her other grandchildren because she sees mine every day. I think we are just going to have to have a very frank conversation and find out exactly what she wants.