To ask you to tell me to stop obsessing over my ex?

[DietCokeAddict19]

I ended my 5 year relationship on Sunday, having not been able to get over breaches of trust at the start of our relationship (I overlapped with his previous GF for 3 months with no idea, he slept with someone else a month into our relationship, and then lied about it all, twice). We stupidly got back together at the point of finding all this out a year into our relationship - I blamed my own "trust issues" from a previous relationship and crappy family dynamics rather than apportioning the blame towards him that he had cheated and lied and I deserve better.

Anyway, fast forward 4 years and we've split up again. But he knows exactly which buttons to press to make me feel stupidly guilty again and as though it's all my fault, saying that I am "not trying hard enough" (exactly what my ExH said to me when we broke up) and adamant that he is a different person now, all that behaviour is in the past, I'm judging him on a past version of himself that he isn't now, etc etc.

My exH was a massive gaslighter, and I ended up believing so much of what he said and lost my ability to believe my own thoughts to be true. And it feels as though the same is happening here - I'm being told all this stuff that he is a good person etc (and he has been, at times) and I'm doubting my own beliefs again.

Please give me a kick up the bum and tell me to get a grip.

Write a list of all the horrible stuff he has done. The cheating. The lying and everything else. Look at it in weak moments. Also, just because its in the past doesn't mean it doesn't impact the present and the future. He may have changed but that hurt still exists.

Block him

I don't blame you, it's hard. But focus on this: one day you'll be embarrassed you gave him so much of your time.

I got dumped by my gross ex (together 2y) and immediately rebounded 2 weeks later to another guy, my now dh. I'm ashamed to say I spent the first few months secretly pining for the ex. Why?! He was boring, smelly, crude, mediocre in bed, bad at conversation, easily angered, way too close with his mum etc the list goes on. My dh by contrast is the opposite of all those things.

You'll get there, you'll be like "what was I thinking", like when the queen of the fairies wakes up and realises she'd been in love with a donkey

I’m tempted to block him (for my own sanity) but I have 2 DC (not his) who he has obviously built a relationship with over the last 5 years so it’s not so easy just to cut him off and never talk to him again.

Yes that’s a good plan. And completely agree that the past impacts the now and it created hurt and mistrust that has stayed, long after the initial impact. He doesn’t seem to get that. It’s so separate in his head.

I thought that us splitting up would stop my almost constant anxiety/worry over is he being honest, does he mean what he says, does he really love me etc? And now all I’ve got is a different set of worries. What if he was truthful and I’ve split our family up for nothing? What if I never get into another relationship (which feels quite likely given the fact that my kids have now had to get over their dad and me separating and now this relationship ending and I can’t put them through that again)? Have I done the right thing?

Gah. I know these feelings will likely pass with time but I hate feeling anxious like this.

This anxiety is awful. Everything feels overwhelming.

you should do the Freedom Programme!

I’ve done the online version but didn’t find it massively helpful tbh.

Do you think that this recent relationship was abusive? Or more that I seem to be in the same pattern on repeat?

Please don’t tell yourself this lovely. As a child that watched a dysfunctional relationship play out it does far more damage than showing them mummy knows her worth and will cut it off cold for anything less. Read it’s called a breakup bcos it’s broken then embrace the you that’s dying to get out, the one before all these guys planted any seeds of doubt/mistrust. You can do this, and remember, you’re the role model for your DCs at the moment - if you’d not want them to go through the same then don’t do it to yourself

at the moment I just feel like I’m making everyone’s lives a misery, but I see what you are saying about doing for me what I would want for them.

You aren’t I’m sure but maybe if you are it’s because you are miserable for knowing deep down your gut instinct is right. And what you said about meeting someone new further up, the goal is to be so happy it doesn’t matter if you meet someone or not - and if you do they bring a new bit of happy. Not anxiety and overthinking, you’ve done your time living that life

I really hope that my gut instinct is right, otherwise I really have fucked up! This is the first day in 5 and a half years that we haven’t messaged each other. The gap that he used to fill just feels massive.

That’s HUGE. Well done you, you should feel incredibly proud of yourself. I’m proud of you. That’s the first step!

He has sent me 2 emails (one was about DS’s parents evening which is tonight so fair enough, the other probably could have waited). I feel like I should reply to acknowledge them/say thanks, but then I’m just continuing to maintain contact, which is what I’m trying to avoid…

Btw how do you feel about your ex before this? Or the ex before that? Yeap, exactly. You forget but at the time you had all the same feelings - but the gap gets smaller without you even noticing. 2 cheesy things to keep telling yourself - 1. Nothing worse than seeing an ex out there living their best life, without you. 2. If it’s meant to be it will find a way and it will be AMAZING. Until it is, it isn’t meant to be.

No, as my dad would say to me that’s their way of keeping their finger in the pies. If he’d cared that much he’d be there now and wouldn’t have f’d up. Stay strong x

The kids have asked to talk to him so I’ve needed to send a message. However the kids are old enough to contact him themselves so I’ll suggest that in the future.

Having massive doubts about whether I have done the right thing, not coming from him as we haven't really been in contact, just me wondering what I've done.

I've had this realisation recently. I laugh at myself.. hindsight is a beautiful thing. I wouldn't change it though, it's all part of me. OP it's amazing when you truly feel that severance, it can take time though.
Keep your life busy with things that make you happy.

Fingers crossed I get to that point. I just feel knackered and sad at the moment!