To leave husband after family row?

[kittyloverfurever1]

Me and my husband have been together for a while and usually we have a good relationship.

For last couple of years he dosent really back me up and let various people in his family disrespect me.

He claims to "hate arguments and confrontations" and never ever defends me.

So his brother who just rocks up after so many years and years of being estranged from the whole family moves back into our city.

I was quite welcoming and friendly to my BIL and when he met a single mum with a daughter I was the first one to make them feel welcome even though my IL and DH didn't like her.

I brought presents round for the little girl and birthday/Christmas presents when nobody else in the family bothered as they don't like her.
I also babysat quite a few times so they could go out.

We are all members on a local WhatsApp group chat with just 15 people as it is a rural area and then BIL joined a few weeks ago.

His new partner dosent even live here as she lives in a different city 45 minutes away and joined over the weekend.

Next thing the Admin removed me from the group chat for no reason at all.

When my husband asked the Admin what the problem was he replied my BIL's partner had asked him to remove as I apparently don't live round here anymore!
Complete lie!

I have since found out she has been badmouthing me to people on the group chat and I am absolutely fuming.

I sent both BIL and his partner asking them what the problem is when I have been nothing but nice to them.

My husband won't confront BIL or his partner and insists he dosent want arguments.

I am really considering leaving my husband over this.

Anytime my husband has a problem or anyone in the family I back them 100% and that loyalty is not ever returned.

I find this bullying behaviour but husband is trying to twist is round on me like I'm at fault and said " You should of known what she was like".

Am I being unreasonable to move out and leave him?

I feel like he never has my back.

I don’t blame him getting involved in that particular argument tbh, she isn’t behaving particularly rationally. So in this instance I wouldn’t let a new GF, who may not last long, lead me to leave my husband if I had a good relationship generally.

Are you all actually 12 years old? Because that’s how you’re behaving!

This seems very strange to be honest it seems like a very small thing to project on to him when someone else has been at fault

If it's the final straw then do you have better examples?

All sounds a bit childish really. Your husband doesn’t have to get involved in anything. If you’re not getting along with your BIL’s new girlfriend just don’t associate with her?

I would let this one go. But I would also stop all contact with dh family. He can see them in his own

I don’t understand the “don’t live around here anymore” bit, don’t they know you live with your husband?

I honestly cannot believe that you are thinking of ending your marriage because your brother in laws new girlfriend doesn’t like you. I don’t blame him for staying out of it, the rest of you seem very childish.

You DH didn't like her, he was right. I mean why would he get involved?

I'd ignore the whole boiling of them.

I think YABU to leave him over this. Look at the basic facts, someone he didn't like very much has turned out to not be a very nice person. If anyone is in the wrong, it's you for trying to be nice to them. I don't see why he should get involved on your behalf, this is a mess of your own making.

Just because you did the decent thing doesn't mean you don't have to take responsibility for your choices.

You are an adult so I am not sure why you need your husband to step in? What are you hoping to achieve by leaving your marriage?

The gf and BIL are red herrings. The real issue here is how your husband made you feel. I'd take careful note of it all, and see how the future unfolds with regards to how he prioritises you, but personally, when my husband didn't back me up on something very awful his mother did involving our son, it was the beginning of the end. You can't always come back from releasing you're not the team you had been thinking you were.

Well they can get fucked for a future babysitter can't they

This must be the last straw. Not supporting your other half is a really bad trait.

Whenever my husband has gotten into disagreements with people he has always expected me to back him up, which I have done 100%.
But when I have a problem it is an inconvenience for him and makes excuses.

There have been issues with his mother who has been rude to me at times and DH will defend her even when it is clear she is in the wrong.

It's not just an isolated incident it's pretty much all the time.

Did he conveniently only say "but you knew she was bad" only afterward or had he warned you before in which case he has a point?

Feels like part of the story is missing here. What exactly has she been saying about you?

This reads like a spat in a 6th Form common room. Bloody weird to end a marriage over something his brother's girlfriend said.

I don't blame him for not wanting to take part in all this nonsense.

This isn't anything to do with your marriage, why are you mixing the two like this? BIL's partner, who isn't really your problem anyway, is a loon. Tell the admin you want to be back in the group and cut the silly cow off.

Sounds like the issue is to do with your husband's actual family. Do you need to fight his battles for him? Is he actually always right?

I have to agree with this post. I would also expect him to have words and ask why you were removed instead of him trying to keep things sweet.

Just message the admin back and explain that you still there, as does your husband. Neither of you have moved. Just say you’re not sure what the issue is with this woman, and since she lives 45 minutes away, she really shouldn’t be involving her so could you be added back into the group. And ignore BIL and this woman from now on.

He told you he didn't like her. He told you he doesn't want to get involved.

It seems to me that you are the one not respecting him. If you would leave him over this then perhaps you are not as nice a person as you think you are.

Since I realised DH doesn't have my back and I shouldn't trust him it's gone through lots of stages to get the shoulder shrugging one.
Lots of examples under neighbours, family, my career, my health

I should have left him pre kids but I stayed.
It still makes me angry if any of the well trodden flash points come up. He's never really apologized properly, he does feel embarrassed but then that switches to anger.
I value his good points, his humour, his work ethic and it's quite liberating for me that he is not perfect. With the kids moving on I feel no guilt in claiming freedom, going away, putting myself first. It's still hard sometimes shutting down a warm emotional response, not sharing it or discussing it with him like a normal person, sticking to neutral ground.
I probably should unpick it a bit more.

DH didn't like her but wanted me to "get on and make an effort" with her.

He was the one who offered to babysit to help his brother out (as BIL adult kids dont like the little girl) and it was who me did all the babysitting and entertained her for a whole weekend.

It's a long standing issue within his family.

Now I have been told that it was actually my MIL that got my BIL to ask the Admin to remove me from the group as she was scared I would make comments on there which would reveal her verbal abuse of me and didn't want to be embarrassed.

She had no right doing this and again DH is defending her.

I have now been added back on by Admin and he has apologised and says he does not want to get involved.

It's not just one issue it all's my DH always backing other people but not me but expecting me to always support him in his battles.