Still grieving the love of my life 10 years on

[DropsofVenus]

Hi all.

I need somewhere to write down my feelings and ask who else have been in this situation. Have you ever fully moved on from someone you would consider to be the love of your life?

I loved this person so fiercely it almost hurt, and it still does hurt all these years later. He broke up with me because he needed to experience more of the world after the sudden loss of a parent which completely threw him in to turmoil. The end of our relationship felt earth shattering to me and was unexpected at the very least.

10 years later I am in a new relationship and we share two very young children. I love my partner, but it is absolutely not the same love I had previously. I buried the loss of that relationship and forced myself to move on because he moved to another country and I really believed we would never speak again.

He has recently contacted me out of the blue to apologise for how he handled things previously and that he is back in the country for a few months as his other parent is sadly dying. He said it would be lovely to see me but he understands if it would be too uncomfortable to do so. Obviously I can’t do this to my family.

I have declined the invitation to meet because my life is set up now, I have children and my relationship to prioritise and I always will. However, to say this has brought up some very raw and hard feelings would be an understatement. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach at the thought of passing up the opportunity to see his face again but my brain is telling me this just can’t happen.

I feel absolutely heartbroken all over again. Just that message from him really pulled the rug from underneath me and made me realise how much I still grieve that relationship and everything he meant to me. I have never really felt ‘home’ since we separated and I feel very sad that I may well never have that feeling again.

How does a person come to terms with leaving that sort of love in the past? It seems so unfair but there’s also no point in considering meeting up because I won’t betray my family in that way.

I just hate this residual feeling I’m left with. That sort of sliding doors perspective of my other life and everything he represents to me.

Firstly, well done for declining the meeting! I think it might well be that you miss the past, the feeling of being young, free and intensely in love for the first time. And this feeling is connected to this man. It’s not he you want, it is nostalgia. You want someone who is there for you, and you have that with your husband and family. Put it down as a nice memory and continue living in the present!

I've been where you are. I also knew that my ex was the "love of my life". Everyone saying you'll feel the ick, it's rose-tinted glasses...it might be, but on the other hand, it just might not be. When I met my ex again for the first time, it was like a thunderbolt despite 20 years and a few more lbs and less hair.

@MrsPinkL and @ginasevern have nailed it, especially this;

You don't miss him OP, you miss the past. You're now married with kids and in your 30's. This man symbolises a carefree period that seemed filled with sunshine and laughter. The fact that he made himself unobtainable also makes him more desirable - like having a crush on a movie star or pop idol. It's a fantasy, he never really was that amazing and he wasn't the one for you, otherwise he wouldn't have left.

He was not the love of your life. You weren't safe or secure with him and he was just playing you. He dropped you like a rock. That's not love.

People who are with someone they love don't just move countries to 'find themselves' or other such fuckwittery, they take comfort from their partner or plan to travel together if that's what they both want. Grief from a parent dying is pretty normal as an adult and not a reason to leave a partner.

It sounds like you were infatuated. It's a normal occurrence with often rather narcissistic men. Use this as an opportunity to admit the truth to yourself and stop looking at it as something it really wasn't.

You were infatuated with a man who didn't give a shit about you. He's come back and wants woman to comfort and fuck him and has tried his luck with you as it's easier than finding someone new. You probably weren't the only one he messaged.

I haven't got any helpful advice other than pointing out that what you're going through is quite common. Some people get on with their lives and have new relationships but still feel grief for what could have been. Others get mired in their grief and can't move on. Others just give up, feeling it's not worth risking that pain again. You sound like you're in the first group and trust me, that's the group the others would rather be in.

You've done the right thing but I know how you feel, I also have a "one that got away". Was devastated when it ended and although I have also moved on and am very happily married with DC I think my ex will always have a hold on me and I do think about him still from time to time. I had to see him for a relatives wedding a few years ago and it brought up so much feeling for me - now I know I will go out of my way to never see him again. You're bang on not to meet this ex.

I've had this happen a few times (I'm older than you!). Men who have treated me badly in the past resurfacing years later, ostensibly to apologise. I think it's because they're going through a phase of nostalgia for the past, or their relationship has got a bit staid, or they have daughters now and realise they were a right shit. They're just latching on to anything.

Well done for not meeting up with him, it would have been easy to kid yourself and then end up in a mess.

Hearing from a past love is bound to awaken strong feelings within you, even if you have found love again. You say you forced yourself to move on and that you've not felt at 'home' since so I am wondering whether you have fully grieved for your previous relationship. Instead it sounds like you've buried your feelings which have now resurfaced. You also describe your old relationship as being 'safe and comforting' and one where you felt 'seen' despite now recognising the things he can not give you. There may be nothing behind those words of course but its worth exploring, possibly with a therapist, what else might be going on for you that could be adding to your grief.

Wait, he said he needed to experience more of the world? Sounds like you also went travelling for a few years after you broke up so you weren't incapable of joining him. So what was stopping you going together?

Well, you know why. He didn't, not because of some existential crisis, but so he could go guilt free - as is his right. But he wouldn't have entertained the thought for a second if he was as certain as you that you were soulmates. My DH and I had similar chats about travelling/working overseas separately after a year or so of being together and we both decided we couldn't take the risk.

He's a selfish prick who doesn't give a damn about you, not really and truly, not in any way that counts. His rose coloured glasses are probably fond rememberings of how supportive you were the last time he had a parent who died. I'd be putting that thought to the front of my daydreams of 'what might have been'. I've a feeling 'what might have been' was always going to end up with your heart being eviscerated by this man one way or another...

Well done for declining the meeting, and well done for having the courage to start another relationship.

Have you tried therapy? It might help you to process the loss of this relationship and understand where these powerful feelings originate.

FWIW, he is probably not solely the cause of these feelings. You loved him, of course, and the loss was immense, but you are probably also in some ways grieving the loss of your former life and what you thought your future would look like. In this stage of life it’s also common to feel the weight of the commitments you’ve made, even if those generally are joyful and positive. An LTR and kids is definitely classed as Big Life Stuff and takes maintenance - not always glamorous but very important. And it sounds like you and your partner have a good life together and work as a team raising your family; that’s truly special and I would say surpasses anything your former partner gave you.

I'm guessing he falls into ' first loves ' category ?

if your dh knows about him , I don't see a problem of telling him the other man has been in contact and telling you his other parent is dying. You could ask him if he would go with you for a catch up coffee as it would feel weird without him coming along.
if the other man isn't keen then that is him telling you the intention was for dodgy reasons.

You did the right thing not meeting him, no good with come from it. Maybe seeing him would have closed a chapter. But it could have also potentially ruined your future. Sounds like you’ve got a good guy.

I’m interpreting ‘discovering the world’ as ‘sleeping with other women’. You travelled alone after the relationship and if he’d wanted to, you could have done it together.

He did a great job of letting you down gently, clearly, but he isn’t the hero of the romance novel you think he is. I agree with others, if he was the love of your life he wouldn’t have behaved like he did, bereft or not.

Well done for not agreeing to see him. Your feelings are perfectly valid but please try to see them for what they are. You are remembering a time when you were younger with more energy and less responsibilities. You are a more mature and responsible person now with more life experiences and perhaps when the initial shock of hearing from him has gone away, you may be able to look back fondly at the past and be glad that it happened, but know that it would not have worked for you in the longer term as you are happy with your family.

Someone who ends a relationship when a tough life event occurs is probably not someone who would last in a relationship with children and paying the bills/mortgage/everyday events. Please try to see this as a first passion that you had when you were younger and see your current partner with whom you've chosen to have a family as the love of your life.

The first cut is the deepest and all that.

I thought I’d never get over my first love, who also left me in order to see more of the world.

After five years of pining for him, I tracked him down and we got back together for a while. The scales fell from my eyes - he wasn’t the man I’d thought he was at all. He was a selfish, narcissistic arsehole, and this time it was me who walked away. It was very liberating.

I’ve never felt the same way about anybody else. I’m happily married but that earth shattering, head spinning feeling is something you get when you’re young and have never fallen for anyone before. Dh isn’t my knight in shining armour, he’s my comfy old sofa, my partner in life, and I’m so glad it’s that way. The intensity you feel at 17 isn’t sustainable - it would be exhausting!

You’ve done the right thing.

I felt so sad for you OP when I read your post. I totally understand where you’re at. The same thing happened to me. Although I ended our relationship because it was just too intense for me to handle. I tried my best to move on. I left the country. I met someone new. We had two amazing DDs together but like you it just never felt the same. I consoled myself with the fact that I truly did love my husband uniquely and for totally different reasons to that of the man I believed to be the love of my life. Sadly, my marriage failed. And two years after the break up the love of my life got in touch. We met up again after seventeen years apart. And nothing had changed. This is probably not easy to read.

We were together for four years and were married on 22.2.22.

The heart wants what the heart wants …

You were early 20's. It was easy for you both back then.

Life isn't easy now, you have children and he lives a long way away.

Feel free to contact him when your current partner dies age 76 and your kids have grown up and you can spend the last years together. As once again that's a time with few responsibilities. I mean that's always what happens in those doctors waiting room magazines ....

This is all a fantasy on your part. People who love you don't hurt you. He hurt you. He didn't love you. I doesn't matter how much you loved him.

He's a fantasy, OP. I don't doubt that you loved him and that he broke your heart, but the way it ended means that you never got to the life stage with him that you're at now, and your current partner can never live up to a fantasy. I'm not saying you wouldn't have been happy with him if you had, but I don't know if, after kids and bills and everyday life, you would have been so much more fantastically fulfilled than you are now.

It's easy when we have only unencumbered, intense times to compare, to think "Adam would have remembered to pick up milk! Adam would have known I wanted to be flipped over in bed at that moment!" But it's not true. That Adam doesn't exist, is lost in time. Neither of you are the same people now.

At the end of the day, he lost a parent and his response was to end it with you. That says that whatever you felt it was, it just wasn't. But that's not to say it isn't painful, with a strong draw.

I think young love/first love can be really intense and as you’ve said it’s often also a time with few other responsibilities and less of the “real world” intruding.

I definitely felt like this about my first love who I met on my gap year (he lived there). Long story but essentially he randomly pretty much ghosted me out of the blue shortly before I was due to return to the U.K. At the time I really struggled to understand it because I would genuinely have stayed living in that country and changed my entire career and life plan to be with him. I wondered if he realised that and felt it was too intense and was running scared but now that I’m older and wiser I also wonder if he met someone else from his own country/culture.

Anyway, it took me many years to fully get over him, probably a good 5-6 years anyway. And I only really got over him because I met someone else who I fell head over heels for in a similar way (who also promptly broke my heart, story of my life FFS!).

At some subconscious level I clearly still had strong feelings for him because when I was sectioned with postnatal psychosis over a decade later (having had a baby with yet another man who broke my heart, my ex husband), I was doing an art therapy class and explaining that I had drawn me and my soulmate sitting on the moon (it was something he used to say to me).

However, I still think about him very occasionally and have fond memories of him, I feel like we shared a really intense love at one point but I no longer feel like he is/was my literal soulmate and I can’t live without him etc. I could totally be friends with him at this point with no problems. So it is possible!

So, he dumped you, and now he’s back in touch cos he wants support or sex. What a selfish dick. He must know that this blast from the past will throw your emotions in turmoil and he clearly doesn’t care. What if you did meet up and had a few drinks and you ended up shagging him? He’d swan off back home and you’d have to either live a lie or face a destroyed marriage. It’s incredibly selfish of this man to ask to see you.

He wasn’t the love of your life OP. He was your FIRST LOVE and that feels incredible and yeah I still mourn the loss of mine, but I know if we somehow met now it wouldn’t be the same.

Yes in this case he is not a nice person.

I broke up with a serious boyfriend in my 20s who adored me but coming from an abusive home I didn’t appreciate what I had. I broke his heart and he moved on within a year and got together with a mutual friend and married and had three kids. I’m single and daily wish I hadn’t dumped him but he would be right not to meet with me - and I wouldn’t ask he is a committed married man whose wife and children adore him.

you and current partner are this - he is probably single and looking for a shag. Can’t bear it that you moved on and are happy.

I learnt from mine and now after many years of counselling know I’m very complex and traumatised and healing.

I'm of the mind that you should meet. In an neutral location at midday or breakfast, like a cafe. You might be surprised that your feelings about him doesn't match the reality of the man in front of you. I was madly in love w/ a young boy in high school and when I ran into him 30 years later, suddenly that ideal fell away. He was just a regular guy, slightly aging like me, and the young boy I'd loved was only in my memories.