Still grieving the love of my life 10 years on

[DropsofVenus]

Hi all.

I need somewhere to write down my feelings and ask who else have been in this situation. Have you ever fully moved on from someone you would consider to be the love of your life?

I loved this person so fiercely it almost hurt, and it still does hurt all these years later. He broke up with me because he needed to experience more of the world after the sudden loss of a parent which completely threw him in to turmoil. The end of our relationship felt earth shattering to me and was unexpected at the very least.

10 years later I am in a new relationship and we share two very young children. I love my partner, but it is absolutely not the same love I had previously. I buried the loss of that relationship and forced myself to move on because he moved to another country and I really believed we would never speak again.

He has recently contacted me out of the blue to apologise for how he handled things previously and that he is back in the country for a few months as his other parent is sadly dying. He said it would be lovely to see me but he understands if it would be too uncomfortable to do so. Obviously I can’t do this to my family.

I have declined the invitation to meet because my life is set up now, I have children and my relationship to prioritise and I always will. However, to say this has brought up some very raw and hard feelings would be an understatement. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach at the thought of passing up the opportunity to see his face again but my brain is telling me this just can’t happen.

I feel absolutely heartbroken all over again. Just that message from him really pulled the rug from underneath me and made me realise how much I still grieve that relationship and everything he meant to me. I have never really felt ‘home’ since we separated and I feel very sad that I may well never have that feeling again.

How does a person come to terms with leaving that sort of love in the past? It seems so unfair but there’s also no point in considering meeting up because I won’t betray my family in that way.

I just hate this residual feeling I’m left with. That sort of sliding doors perspective of my other life and everything he represents to me.

Bump

Why do you feel this man is the love of your life? What did he ever do for you that was so great? Do you not think rose tinted glasses are playing a part here? He ended your relationship so he could see more of the world. You wasn’t for him.

He got back in touch and wanted to meet up because he is in need of a therapist or sex. Thing is with men they are like boomerangs always come back even if it’s decades later ( normally on the off chance you might want sex) Do yourself the biggest favour and don’t give this man the time of day.

How old are you? Because gently, you are looking at this man with rose tinted specs on. If you 'forced' yourself to move on, does that mean you have doubts on your current partner? Which may be influencing how you perceive this man?

I got back together with "the love of my life" and he completely destroyed me and basically ruined my life. The ONLY positive that came from it was that rather than spending my life thinking he was the one that got away, he's now the one i'm desperate to get away from (but unfortunately have to co-parent with for the next 17 years)...

This guy is NOT the love of your life. He showed you he didn't want you and could live without you. He showed you you weren't worth it and weren't enough for him. Stop looking at this relationship with rose-tinted glasses and be grateful for your lovely family. Preserve that family.

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to men. If you were his "one", believe me he would never have left your side.

Thank you for the replies. He didn’t do anything ‘great’ as such, It was more the feeling I had when we were together. Our relationship was just so deep for me. I remember being so intensely in love at the time and we just laughed continuously. It felt safe and comforting and I really felt seen.

I know the reason he has gotten in touch is because he wants the comfort from me but it’s just surprised me in what it’s stirred up. Like I say, I am aware this wouldn’t end well and have declined his invitation to meet and the conversation ended there, but I felt sad saying no and that’s taken me back.

When I say I forced myself to move on, I meant I buried the sadness and forgot him. I travelled alone myself for two years and began a career when I came back. I then met my partner 5 years ago. I don’t doubt my current partner at all. He’s such an amazing Dad and I love him, but not with the same intensity.

I’m in my 30s so I wouldn’t say I’m overly young anymore.

I do wonder if the rose tinted glasses comment carries some weight. We didn’t have the pressures of children and big responsibilities that I do have now in my current relationship and perhaps that’s why it never felt strained.

He wasn't the love of your life. If he was, he never would have left you. He didn't feel the same way as you. He may have loved you, but not enough to stay with you. If it was true love, he couldn't have left you.
You are looking at this through rose tinted glasses. He broke your heart when he cast you aside. Remember that.

He didn't need to dump you because he wanted to see more of the world. That's an excuse and if you were the one for him he wouldnt have dumped you. He hurt you badly and if you were single now and got back together with him there's every chance he'd dump you and hurt you again. Stick with your dh who hasn't let you down. If it doesn't work out with your dh ok, but don't finish it for this unreliable man who's already hurt you once.

How dare he contact you. I'd block him

Yes yes and yes. I feel exactly the same. I still think about my first love almost daily. He wasnt the one but he was my one, if that makes any sense at all?! We were very very in love and tried many times to make it work. I'll never love anyone the same way. Ive been happyish but its never been the same feeling as with him. I see him occasionally and its like no time's passed, we both feel the same but it is what it is. Breaks my heart tbh.

Absolutely relationships are different when you add in children, paying bills and so on. That love can feel different to a care free/ child free relationship that you might have in your late teens/20’s. We all look back with rose tinted glasses on, mostly we remember the good times but not the heart ache, the sobbing and the disappointment.

The good thing here is you declined to meet. The fact he messaged after dumping you all those years ago proves he has no shame.

Men are pretty simple in my experience. If they love you, you know. A man that loves you doesn’t leave well not easily anyway.

You don't miss him OP, you miss the past. You're now married with kids and in your 30's. This man symbolises a carefree period that seemed filled with sunshine and laughter. The fact that he made himself unobtainable also makes him more desirable - like having a crush on a movie star or pop idol. It's a fantasy, he never really was that amazing and he wasn't the one for you, otherwise he wouldn't have left.

Your opening post sounds a bit Mills and Boon and over the top to me. Sorry, but I'm more pragmatic when it comes to relationships.
Yes, you had something great with him but he chose to end it and you've moved on with your life. When it comes to choosing a life partner I don't think I'd want the kind of burning intensity you're describing with your ex. These feelings can't be sustained for decades and life isn't a Disney film. I'd rather have a good solid, loving and respectful relationship with a good man. Sounds like you have that with your DH.

I actually disagree with most of these posts. I think that love can be real and intense and life altering even when it ends. The idea that he didn't love you because he wouldn't have left otherwise might be comforting, but I just don't see the force of it. Life is weird and sometimes we make strange choices. I will say though that the fact you haven't spoken in all this time is telling.

At the end of the day you felt what you felt, and no one can take that experience away from you, not even your ex. Probably also it helps that you were younger, I felt things in general very differently in my 20s. But feelings aside, you know how you want to act. You know that you don't want to jeopardize your family and your relationship.

In answer to your question, I feel exactly like this about someone I was with 15 years ago, and I have a family with similar aged kids now with someone else. I don't know what I would do if he asked to meet me, I've managed all these years by living on a different continent to him. What I do know is that raw emotion aside, I wouldn't want an actual day to day relationship with him. He doesn't share my fundamental values, child raising ideas, work ethic, and so on. About two years post break up I asked him if he ever wondered what our lives would be like if we had stayed together. He said something like "we would be in love still I'm sure, but you would be working all the time and I would be slowly going mad in a dead end job in that dead end town". He was so right. I think about this whenever I get that sliding door feeling - love is not enough, you need someone you can share your whole life with.

He broke up with me because he needed to experience more of the world after the sudden loss of a parent

You were not the love of his life. This is the sort of reason you give to someone you had enjoyed being with but didn't want to go any further with, and were probably thinking of breaking up with anyway.

It was never going to work out with him. There was no alternative happy life with him. The alternative was another reason to break up with you.

Well done for having the sense and strength for not getting back with him.

Some therapy may help you to process all of your feelings.

Thank you all. This really is the reality check I needed.

My ex is still child free also living in another continent. Our lives are so polar opposite that it could never work anyway of course.

I think because I shut down emotionally all those years ago I never processed the break up and that’s why it’s still raw for me even now.

It absolutely did feel life altering when he left and like something in me died.

But I also see the joy in struggle that I have with my partner now. How we rally together and compromise so well with our children etc and how much commitment he shows to our family every day. I know my ex could never give me that.

I do feel proud for not giving in to these feelings, I just need to work on rationalising that relationship better perhaps.

You’re looking back at him in a fantasy type of way. You imagine life with him and having kids with him would have been fantastic, the reality of that could have very much been worse than the reality you have now.

Your right to stick with your family, don’t meet him, he didn’t choose you, your family did.

I would be tempted to meet him if my partner was comfortable with it as he can never live up to ten years of eulogies.

I reckon you would actually get the ick within 45mins. He might not have changed but you certainly have and seeing him as the person you are now may get rid of the what ifs.

He sounds like a bit of a user and quite self centred. When you are in the glow of somebody like that you feel seen and valued, but they will drop you like a sack of shit and leave you destroyed as your feelings of self worth rested on them.

Your current partner is worth a million of your ex - as he consistently shows up and has made your family his world.

But I also see the joy in struggle that I have with my partner now. How we rally together and compromise so well with our children etc and how much commitment he shows to our family every day. I know my ex could never give me that

Many women would kill for a relationship like that. You've landed on your feet OP!

we just laughed continuously. It felt safe and comforting and I really felt seen.

Agree this is fantasy and rose-tints talking. Everyone has their ups and down. Presumably when he was in turmoil you weren't laughing and you weren't safe and comforted because he left you and then you had way more heartache than happiness from him. You're in charge of your emotions and can shape the narrative how you choose. Playing into the tragedy of this lost romance won't help. Nor will congratulating yourself for getting over him like he's some prize you've lost. He was a good boyfriend for a while, long ago, then it went wrong and fucked you up, but you moved on and are much more sorted with a more compatible partner now. Block him and address any other parts of your life that are lacking that might make you more prone to this fantasising.

He made you feel like you had never felt before, touched you deep, but by leaving you abruptly, he deeply hurt you at that level ... and that s maybe the reason why you have not yet allowed yourself to feel this way again, even with your loving husband?

You say yourself you re better off, and it s true

Put simply he’s not the love of your life because he didn’t feel the same way for you as you did for him. If he did he wouldn’t have left you, turmoil or not.

Ten years of mourning sounds obsessive and I would probably try to work out some of these feelings in therapy of some kind. I say that as someone who lost someone they love (not through death) - I barely think about him now except wistfully sometimes!

Romantic love is only pilot light love, the catalyst for something more substantial.

You have done the right thing I think OP.

If you felt a lump, who would you want in the doctor's room with you? Who could you trust to nurture your children?

To those saying he shouldn’t have contacted her, they split ten years ago. He probably just feels like meeting with an old friend - he’s not spent 10 years reminiscing!

First loves really hurt you - I don't think anyone is quite the same, or lives so unguardedly after realising that love isn't guaranteed.

You aren't the same person you were 10 years ago & neither is he. You don't really know this guy anymore.
Plus he fucked off to find himself and left you when you had this amazing relationship going - thats cold! He ran off when the going hot tough - not ideal if you wanted kids.

Well done for listening to the rational part of your brain. I promise if you met him he'd slurp his coke, drip burger sauce in his beard & be wearing loads of ratty friendship bracelets or something equally off-putting.

Take the apology, have a little cry for 10-years-ago you & acknowledge the hurt she went through, give her a mental hug & move on with gratitude for your lovely family. Or try to, I know it's easy to say.