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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the way he spoke to me was rude?

13 replies

LadyBug1859 · 08/11/2023 09:28

Basically this morning my husband had come in from his night shift and spoke to me in a way I found rude and he says is just being truthful. I get that when he comes in from night shift and is tired/I have just woken up and am in the middle of getting the kids ready for school etc we do sometimes clash because we’re both in different states of mind/tiredness and so on but this really annoyed me this morning so I want an outside opinion! I asked him about his shift, he told me, he nicely made some breakfast for me and him while I sorted the kids and then as we sat down to eat I started telling him about how the kids’ bedtime went last night - they hadn’t gone to bed until late and then I ended up staying up late too because of that - and he basically cut me off and said he couldn’t hear about the bedtime routine stuff right now because he wasn’t in the mood and wanted to eat. I just found this so disrespectful and rude. I listen to how his shift went etc, I was just relaying how my evening went. Surely he should just listen even if he’s not that interested? I raised this briefly with him when he went up to bed, said I was unhappy with him speaking to me like that, and he said from his point of view he’s just being truthful and unless something really out of the ordinary happened with bedtime he doesn’t want to hear about it. We’ve had this clash before where he just doesn’t want to hear about the kids’ routine stuff etc and I do understand that he’s just come in from a long shift and is tired and so on - but AIBU thinking he should just listen to me? Or is he justified in saying he just wants to be truthful and not have to talk if he doesn’t want to?

OP posts:
Busephalus · 08/11/2023 09:31

Yes it was rude, I bet he's happy for you to listen to him witter on

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 09:33

Can you agree a better time to talk? He was snippy but night shifts can really mess you up. Could you talk when he’s awake?

MarjorieTheManager · 08/11/2023 09:36

I’d just let this one go. It’s really not worth agro-ing over.

Hermittrismegistus · 08/11/2023 09:37

There are few things worse than someone wittering nonsense at you at the end of a tiring day.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 08/11/2023 09:37

I think this is the kind of thing that shouldn't be important enough to write a post about or give a second thought to. He is tired, you obviously had a bit of a rubbish time of it. Neither of you really care about the other at this time.

A relationship where you overthink all little things like this will drive you both nuts. This is really a nothing thing, just forget it, move on and maybe think next time before launching into stuff that means something to you, pick a better time.

LadyBug1859 · 08/11/2023 09:39

This was definitely how it made me feel - obviously he will chat to me about things I’m not 100% interested in but I’ll still listen! And to be fair to him he does usually, because surely that’s just how conversations work to an extent anyway?! I said to him you usually are interested in what I have to say and he said that yes he is but not around the topic of the kids’ routines. I guess he was just fed up and I know it’s a repetitive topic but it was just chit chat.

OP posts:
LadyBug1859 · 08/11/2023 09:41

Yeah I know the night shifts are killer. It just really wound me up and seemed unnecessarily rude to me but I understand he’s tired, that’s why I wanted an outside opinion, sometimes I think I let things go when I shouldn’t almost?? But I think general consensus seems to be that yes it’s a bit rude of him but also understandable.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/11/2023 09:46

I think he expressed it rudely - and having given you the low down re his night should have listened to yours, or if he didn’t feel able to, expressed it politely.

It might just be one of those things though - an off moment like we all have.

Depends what he’s like in general really!

LadyBug1859 · 08/11/2023 09:46

Thankyou - I do tend to overthink. And I’ve never actually posted before about our relationship, but I do tend to google advice on the internet even about little things, and sometimes I think that’s helpful but sometimes it just makes little things seem worse than they are. That’s why I posted, I just wanted some opinions from real people about this specific thing, and it’s made me feel a lot better already. When I do google for relationship advice (which isn’t all the time at all, we do in general have a good relationship) I find it seems to feel like the people are held to crazy high standards as well like not taking into account normal human nature, tiredness, etc and it’s not that helpful!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/11/2023 09:47

They are his kids so in general he should be interested in their routines - or at least act like it. He can’t give a blanket ban on that topic as it involves him.

WarmWinterSun · 08/11/2023 09:49

I would just leave it and cut him some slack. I would also struggle with chit chat after a night shift and he was probably on low reserve.

LadyBug1859 · 08/11/2023 09:52

Yeah I think that’s the truth of it really - he should have been more polite about it or just listened, but it was a bad time/off moment. In general he does listen to me, talk to me, show interest in my day etc - this specific not wanting to hear about the bedtime routine has cropped up before though, and from when he has got in from a work shift - I guess it really is just something that really he just doesn’t want to hear about when he’s had a long shift and I know it is repetitive and boring, it’s just I want to get it off my chest sometimes - I need to maybe just pick a better time. And I will tell him that when he gets up later, and also tell him that I still found how he talked to me rude and I don’t want him to do it again in the future.

OP posts:
araiwa · 08/11/2023 09:56

And I will tell him that when he gets up later, and also tell him that I still found how he talked to me rude and I don’t want him to do it again in the future.

Just drop it ffs

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