Stepmum hates me - anyone else?

[lauraloulou1]

Posting here instead of the step parents forum as it appears to be full of step parents who do hate their kids and step kids and I'm looking to hear instead from step kids who have lived with and grown up with this and have learned ways to cope with it. I'm in my 40s with one kid and I've known my step mother (not married to my dad) since I was 8. Things were generally OK until my Siblings came along - although I loved and love them dearly my step mum suddenly became very nasty to me. I don't need to go over the details but suffice to say a lot of the toxicity and ups and downs of my dad and hers relationship got put on me and to a lesser extent my brother and I suspect there was some PND untreated and even PTSD from her own childhood and upbringing. She was very young when she got with my dad and it was the early 90s. I always blamed my dad to be honest, for not protecting me from her and myself for somehow provoking her fury. It was only when I was pregnant with my kid and she started a campaign of nasty text messages (she is an alcoholic but this fact is glossed over completely by everyone but my long suffering but my no means perfect father) telling me how much of a terrible mother I would be and how sorry she felt for my baby that I finally snapped and stepped completely back. As usual I was persuaded to forgive and forget until it kept happening and my 40th birthday triggered another outburst where she sent me a barrage of abuse when I was going through a health crisis. So I finally decided to be done. My question is - how do I cope with estrangement? I don't wish to tell my younger Siblings of her abuse as I think it's too painful for them and I don't wish to be speaking poorly of their mother. But by protecting them I've previously just put myself back in the firing line and I actually never want to see this woman again. In the last text she called me a wee witch and it just occurred to me that she called me that name for the first time 30 years ago- like that's what her private name for me is! So how do I maintain a relationship with my dad and Siblings and never have her in my life again? Baring in mind I know from other family members that her favourite thing to do is bitch about me behind my back, which has in the past caused me real upset as she has spread false rumours about me to the rest of my dad's family. Previously I have just tolerated her and tried to practise detachment and radical forgiveness and tied myself in knots doing all sorts of yogi tricks but I don't want my kids to learn that's its OK to bully mummy and I just want this person out of my life forever. Am I risking my relationship with my dad and my Siblings? Am I being unreasonable to do this? As I said I love my Siblings and dad a huge amount and they are devoted to my kid and bring a lot of joy to my life. Any advice or similar experience welcome. X

Her kids need to know how she treats you. Show them the messages, ask if she’s drinking again.

Totally agree not OPs job to hide the reality she's had to put up with. I'm a step mum to a woman who came into my life as a young child. I adore her and she's a wonderful sister to my 13 year old. Drink is obviously a big issue and sounds like she needs to reconcile that fact and get help.

I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, she sounds horrible, I’d be honest with your siblings. I doubt they’ll be that upset by this. I don’t get on with my Dads wife and me and my sister have 0 contact with her.

It is not your responsibility to protect her from any consequences of her abusing you.

You have suffered for decades. Screengrab and share. Say you cannot be around her anymore.

Grown up step kid here - I'm sorry you went through this

I will be honest I think that you maybe viewing all of this from a bit of a lens here.

This women is toxic but that doesn't mean all step parents are. That said to NC with anyone. you don't have to justify it to anybody. have you looked up FOG ?

You can't influence their relationship with their mum or your dad with her but what you can focus on is your relationship with your siblings and your dad and just remove her completely from any conversation, completely grey rock. It sounds counterintuitive but I promise it's much easier once you put your focus on the relationships that matter to you and away from the ones who don't (her)

Yeah probably re lens. And I've always fantasised about us all getting along and was quite pathetically wanting to please her and my dad and become massive people pleaser in adult life in general...what is FOG? Have googled but am getting definitions of actual fog like mist! 😂

Why did you include a dig at the step mums on this forum? Seems a bit unnecessary given that they are nothing to do with your situation.

I don't think it's a good idea to tell your siblings the truth about their mother.

I couldn’t finish the whole post as it’s just a wall of text (paragraphs make it much easier to read) but step parents can be incredibly cruel.
My best friend never got on with his stepmum; she always viewed him as an inconvenience, which is a shame as he’s a great person.
He’s gone full NC now.

My stepmum hates me and my siblings too. She’s more a sickly sweet passive aggressive type though, which makes it easier for my dad to pretend he doesn’t see it and she’s perfect. I presume your siblings are adults themselves? In which case, tell them the truth, and your dad absolutely. You do not have to put up with her cruelty for a moment longer. If your family care about you, they will support you in that. They can make their own decisions about who they want in their life, and they don’t have to choose between you. But you are completely justified in cutting toxicity out of yours.

I grew up with an incredibly jealous step mum, she never wanted me in their lives and always treated me like a second class citizen, I was never allowed to be alone with my dad and I lost count of the amount of hurtful things she'd say or do over the years to purposely exclude me. I never felt comfortable at their house, I never felt like I fitted in, but I persevered because that's what you do when you've been exposed to it from a young age, you imagine it's your fault and that she'd like you better if you were more like she wanted you to be.. looking back on it from an adults perspective, it's horrible.

I think you'll find it hard being in contact with your dad and not her, I had to NC that whole side on my family in the end after the last straw, everyone was in on a big secret about her health and I wasn't told 'because she didn't want me to know' I couldn't take any more after that, it was the final fucking insult and I'd finally had enough.

If you want a relationship with your dad then I'd let him come to you or meet up on neutral territory, but don't be surprised if he pulls away from you, as from the sounds of her she won't be happy with that. Don't take it personally though, a lot of people choose the path of least resistance.

I'd still engage with your siblings, but lay it out to them what has happened to make you come to this decision, but stick to the facts and try and keep emotions out of it, hopefully you can still maintain a relationship with them, but they deserve to know the truth.

Good luck OP, the scars from childhood sometimes last a lifetime, but you've got your own family now, so don't waste another second on her bullshit, yanbu to cut her out your life for good.

Because some of them are shocking quite frankly if you've ever been on that forum.

Some are truly lovely and any child would be lucky to have them but the rest....I now understand why the wicked step mother stereotype exists put it that way.

I’d personally tell my siblings too- just so they can understand and then go NC. Wishing you the best, I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

@sandyhappypeople
Can I get your perspective on this , as what you said surprised me...
My DP's children don't care for me, they're not actively nasty to me, just very much view me as a piece of furniture. In fairness they're not really nice to their father my DP, but I put that down to them being teenagers...

As they never had any interest in me I would have thought it would make sense (at least from my point of view) to keep anything big and impactful to me from them. You mentioned your stepmother's health, in my case my father is currently very ill and deteriorating rapidly.

Would you think that this wouldn't make sense?
As they have literally never asked me a question about myself or anything to do with me (my country/family etc).
So I wouldn't have thought it would matter to them.
And from my point of view, if there's something that makes me feel vulnerable, I'd rather keep it away from people who don't care for me.

Thanks for your perspective.

@lauraloulou1 so at risk of also putting myself to a load of hate. I am a child of a blended family and also a SM now.

FOG - fear obligation and guilt.

I think that sometimes people feel like they can't go low or no contact with anyone because of the fall out but realistically I believe you can if you say to the people in your life you want to keep- "I understand this puts you in a difficult spot, but I don't want to try and convince you of my side or you to pick a side but what I do want is to keep our relationship and focus on us outside of all this. Are you willing to do that ?"

• if you need a safe place to spill your heart these people due to their conflicts aren't a safe place and I'm so sorry. I really am 💐

I say this as someone who suffer sexual abuse as a child. Thank god it wasn't within my blended family. But I had to go NC with people who actively saw the abuse and did nothing.I could have spent years trying to convince them of the hurt etc but just imo it's not worth it so I did what I needed to do to keep safe. Had a lot of guilting, fear mongering and obligation talks but realistically I held firm and it calmed down. People don't raise it with me now and have accepted it obviously festive occasions ado stir people up.

This isn't about step families or that element per say . It's down to unfortunately your sm being a abuser. And you can be abused by anyone sadly the title is really quite irrelevant.

My sister (half for clarity) went NC with her mum but had remained in contact with her other siblings. Her mother was also abusive like your step mother.

This isn't really about titles so much as some fuckers are bad people and regardless of title you don't need to justify being NC with someone.

Also have a look at the stately homes thread - I think you might find your people there. And I'm sorry this happened to you I really am xxxx

Thanks everyone for your insights, all the support and taking the time to share your thoughts. I really appreciate it xx

I’m sorry about your dad, based on what you’ve said about their relationship with you and their dad, I’d probably not think to tell them if I was in your shoes, if it doesn’t come up in conversation naturally and doesn’t affect them directly, then there’s really no need to tell them anything personal if you don’t want to, especially if you think they’d be less than supportive.. it’s difficult, you can only do what you think is right at what must be a very difficult time, but don’t assume they wouldn’t be supportive, if they know how serious the situation is they may surprise you.

on the surface of things my relationship with my SM was cordial, friendly even, but I tolerated an awful lot from a young age for the sake of having a relationship with my dad, as a child I used to go home and cry some times from feeling completely rejected and not understanding what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t wanted there or why my dad didn’t speak up for me when she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome or say hurtful things, I think she was hoping that I would give up and go away, in later years we fell into a routine where I’d see them every week at the same time as I could never just ‘pop in’, I wasn’t allowed to, but we talked about nearly all aspects of our lives, and me and her did get on, especially during her weeks of not actively hating the sight of me, she did mellow as she got older too and I did everything I could not to upset her. She was diagnosed with Parkinson’s which she wanted kept secret from me, but only me, everyone else in the family was told and they all kept it secret, so a year later when I found out it was the final straw tbh, for 20+ years I saw the woman every week and chatted away and that just made me feel like that child again.. I went NC after that.

Posting here instead of the step parents forum as it appears to be full of step parents who do hate their kids and step kids

YABVU just for that sentence alone. Also I very much doubt your Step Mums “favourite thing to do is bitch about you”. It sounds like she has an alcohol problem and you don’t have a great relationship (if any) and that’s fine, you don’t need to have a relationship with her.

I do have to say I think your post is antagonising labelling step mums bad people when actually this is just about a person who has treated you badly who is in a relationship with your Dad nothing to do with them being a Step Mum.

@PixieLaLar it was more about going to that forum and being incredibly triggered as a majority of the posts are called: I dislike my step kids or I hate being a stepmum. I've heard my step mum say she hates being a step mum and wouldn't even call us her step kids. But I suppose what the other posters have enabled me to see is that I've been wasting too much energy on trying to convince people who are deliberately misunderstanding and judging of me or who seek to belittle me for their own reasons.

I don't doubt my step mum could be a bitch in other contexts and I know she has been terrible to others once i stepped back and was no longer her easiest target. Its such a complicated one as I have a lot of compassion for her regarding the difficulties of the role - the kind of free childcare labour she was expected to do and her rejection of that, but the particular harm she did to me was because of my proximity to her. Her power over me and my life came from this proximity - and that was because of her role as my step mum. As a younger child and teen and young woman I craved and sought her approval so much as I was desparate for my fathers love. I've no experience of other step mums and I was hoping to hear from others what it's like.

Wow, the minimising some people are making of others' childhood experiences is shocking.

I say this from the POV of someone who suffered at the hands of a very cruel woman during my most vulnerable years.

OP, I'm so very sorry you've had such a horrible time growing up.

I don't have any answers for you as I'm still in the process of understanding what I had to deal with all those years ago myself, even though I haven't seen nor heard from her since she ran off with another man in 1998.

At that point she hadn't spoken to me in months anyway as her & her father had cut me out of the family due to my pregnancy with a 'bastard child' (his exact words, said to me, to my face).

I've forgiven a lot of people for their wrongs over the years, including 2 violent ex partners, but I still can't find it in my heart to forgive her.