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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find references to my weight very upsetting..

6 replies

anon3455 · 07/11/2023 22:40

My DH and I generally have a good relationship; we have two young DCs and he is generally speaking a good husband and father. Historically, he has had issues with low mood, depression (resulting mainly from childhood trauma) and stress at work, which could sometimes (prior to having DCs) result in him being moody and insulting towards me. over the past few years has made a conscious effort to improve on these things (and has sought out therapy etc) and I have noticed a significant difference. This is all for context btw. My AIBU is this- I have had an eating disorder (anorexia/ restrictive habits) from the age of 12 (now 32) which, at the moment, is well managed. I'd say it has been under control for a good 7 years, although of course it will never truly leave me and at the earlier stage of our relationship, (mainly due to the effect my DH's moods were having on my MH) I did relapse and so he is well aware of the issue. Whenever my DH has had a particularly rough day at work, or if he is suffering from low mood and I raise this with him, or whenever I have an issue with his mood and the impact it has in the home, his default reaction/ response is 'you are feeling this way because you are f*cking starving yourself' or 'try eating something and you'll not be so moody' etc etc or other upsetting references to my disorder. I should add that I am a completely normal weight and am not engaging in any restrictive behaviours whatsoever, but it does seem to be his go to reference when confronted about his behaviours. Tonight, for example, we had a silly row over nothing and he asked if I wanted a meal he was making. I simply replied 'no' and his response was 'there we go, starving yourself,' when in reality I had already been out for a late lunch today with a friend. He cannot seem to realise how hurtful these comments are to me, and I deeply regret ever opening up to him about these issues I had in the first place. AIBU to be so triggered by this?

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 07/11/2023 22:49

I'm sorry he does that. He doesn't sound like a good husband at all.

Keeva2017 · 07/11/2023 22:55

He’s using your vulnerability against you in a cheap and cruel way to win points. He is a complete and utter bully.

StarDolphins · 07/11/2023 23:00

That’s awful & cruel. I would remind him that is was a very stressful time & you trusted him enough to open up to him & to quit with these comments immediately.

How would he like it if you kept saying ‘oooh, depressed again are we’.

lljkk · 07/11/2023 23:05

I hear this story completely differently.

EDs take over the life of sufferer & people close to them. He isn't over that because he's still scarred by it, too. The whole relationship is scarred. That isn't a simple case of "his fault". You need to work thru the residual issues together.

LadyMacB · 07/11/2023 23:07

You’re not being unreasonable. The comments are out of order.

I know you have a good relationship and ultimately only you can decide whether you’re happy. However, I’d take some time to think very carefully about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who makes those kind of remarks to you.

Relationships really don’t have to be like that and his history of depression and low mood isn’t an excuse.

Mariposista · 07/11/2023 23:16

Living with and supporting someone with anorexia is hard work - it is a lifelong condition that you will never be fully rid of, no matter how well you control it. he should have known that when he agreed to be with you, and if he is not 100% on board and willing to support you life long, he is not the man for you. Comments like that indeed are triggering and unfair.

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