Emotionally crap mum

[Starfish125]

In a nutshell my mum is a very loving, caring mother who helps me out with childcare, money if needed, always being loyal and honest etc I can't fault her for any of that. The problem is she's terrible at the emotional bit, not that she doesn't care, but perhaps cares too much so I can't rely on her for anything regarding anything on my mind because she gets too upset/worries like mad that I end up being the one reassuring her. For example, my daughter had a series of tests done (all fine) and I spoke to her about it being a worried mum and all she did was cry, basically seek out reassurance from ME. I mean, yeah she's worried too but she's my mum, isn't she supposed to be there for me and not the other way round? This is not the first time something like this has happened, when my father died unexpectedly 4 years ago it was me that had to make the funeral directors appointment and the viewing of my dad's body because she's basically emotionally crap. AIBU to think that it should be the other way round?

I can really relate to this. I can’t rely on my DM for anything emotional and usually end up reassuring her. It makes me feel sad as I have so often really needed someone like that in my life.

Very similar when my Dad died too. She is otherwise very kind and looks after me in other ways.

I can relate too. I find myself not telling DM when I'm worried about something, because she'll make herself sick with worry too. She's in her early 70s now, so I don't want to burden her. I did when she was younger and she was my rock to be honest, but I know it put a terrible strain on her. So I try to protect her from worries now. It's just the way it is. She's done her job as a mother, so I try to just let her enjoy being a grandmother and when her time does come (hopefully not for a long time) I want her to feel at peace that we are all OK.

Hugely relate to this too. In fact right now I'm having to message her to reassure her as she's worrying about a family issue. I'm tired of always feeling like I am her parent.

The worst was when dc was born and was in intensive care and I had endless calls from my parents worrying aand panicking and had to calm them (dad was still alive then) down. Not exactly helpful at the time.

I now never tell her anything that might worry her.

It makes me resent her at worst, and then I feel guilty as she is very kind and caring.

It's nice (and also a shame) that I'm not alone in this. It blew up this afternoon when I told her I had some personal issues to which she started crying and worrying about and I'd been so stressed about it that I basically shouted at her that I was sick of being the one to reassure all the time and why can't people reassure me for a change? I did apologize after and she said it was fine, went home then called me up and said I've paid off the rest of your holiday for you (around 1k) I mean, t's incredibly generous but....I didn't want that. I wanted a mum who would reassure me and make me feel better, money doesn't come into it. I always feel like the parent I can't tell her anything and it's rubbish!

I think you have to give up on the idea she'll parent you - you can't change that, only your expectations.

Yep!

Since childhood my dm has poured her emotions onto me. It made me insecure and basically f-cked in relationships (thankfully dh is ace).

An example as a child she'd hold onto me crying at school drop off (from 3/4 years old nursery) saying how she didn't want me to leave her, she will be sad all day etc so obviously I was distraught.

As an adult I had a miscarriage and told her at the time. She told me baby would be ok- I explained it's not as scan showed. She just dismissed me and said it will be ok.

I told her of a serious condition dh has. She said 'ok, anyway what are we going to do when... blah blah'.

Sounds like she's doing best she can for you tbh. Are you sending back money she gives you because she's so emotionally crap?

Emotionally crap is abusive/negligent/uncaring/malicious.

Sound like pretty good mums to me. Why is no one here bitching about their dads?

You're adults. Your mothers don't exist purely for you!

I know this isn't a competition but at least she cares in whatever clumsy way she has. It can be a lot worse, it really can.

Also, I don't know what age you are but I don't think I personally have ever seen a huge turnaround in my friends' or my own relationships with our parents. I'm happy to be corrected on whether that is likely, though. My somewhat negative opinion is that you just have to learn to live with it and make the best of it. She's probably not going to change as a person.

It can of course be a lot worse but it's perfectly ok to acknowledge and be sad that you don't / didn't get the emotional support from a mother that you would want.

I didn't - my mum was great at the 'home' stuff like cooking and cleaning. I absolutely couldn't go to her with any emotional issues though even as a small child, as I knew I was her support, not the other way round. It has had a lot of repercussions for my mental health.

I just said that because my own mother doesn't GAF about me. Just literally couldn't care less. It is unimaginable to most people. I would trade for your worrier mother any day of the week. I'd say more but the examples that demonstrate this are so egregious that it would be outing.

YANBU, however I don't think that many of us grew up in an era where emotional support was even considered as part of parenting.
My inlaws are just like this. Unemotional to anything I could say about myself or DH (they're probably closer to me than DH as I'm the one who helps care for FIL and then takes the kids to visit multiple times a week) however are very emotional themselves.
Bar the odd situation when FIL will hear something and really hold onto it, and worry and then will need me to support him through it- he usually spun it around in his head by that point.

I think we just need to accept they're working within their parameters, and do our best to be better emotional support to our kids than we have had.

My mum is like this. I deal with it by only telling her about things where I know I can cope with her reaction rather than looking to her for support. So for example I’ve only ever told her about health worries after we’ve had the all clear.

I’m sorry about your father’s death. TBH I don’t think it’s that unusual in that situation for an adult child to take the lead on calling funeral directors etc as the partner is incapacitated. I don’t think that’s an example of her being “emotionally crap”, it’s very normal.

I think there comes a time when you have to accept your parent for who she is. Your mum sounds really lovely in lots of ways.

How old is your mum? I would probably have a bit more compassion. She's a human too not a mumbot. She obviously felt bad after you had a go at her and paid off your holiday as it was probably the only thing she could think of doing to show she cares and loves you. She may have her own mental/emotional health issues she's trying to deal with. Maybe she has no one to talk to about it.

Your mum does clearly care though. However, your feelings are entirely valid - have you ever spoken to her about this? She may not be aware that she is doing it as she is so used to the dichotomy between you.

Also, regarding the funeral, I don't think that was unreasonable of her. It is normal for adult children to arrange funerals for their parents, however painful it may be to do so. I say this speaking from experience.

Where funerals are concerned, I would say that's pretty normal.

When DH died I was so numb and bogged down with "bereavement fog" that DD took a lot of the strain with trying to organise things with me.

He wasn't her her birth Dad, but was a good step-dad, and she had to deal with me and her own feelings.🙂

This. Hard but true.

I have never had a family member I can turn to. It is hard and I often wish I did.

But I don’t.

Your Mum is unable to do that for you. It sounds like she is aware of that, feels bad about it and is trying to compensate through other things she can do.

She sounds very similar to my mother. Cried at everything, mainly because she needed to be the centre of attention I think. Never really gave a damn about anything in my life (unless it suited her) and zero emotional guidance. She had no emotional intelligence at all.

My other guardian though was the exact opposite - extremely calm, cool and level headed, never got emotional about anything, always very practical in terms of help.

End result - a lot of therapy for me to try and work out how to actually feel emotions properly because I was never taught properly at either end of the spectrum! 😂

I can understand why you are upset, but it sounds like your DM is doing everything she is capable of to support you. Paying off the rest of your holiday is an incredibly generous thing to do and you seem so dismissive of her gesture.

I'm in my 50s and DPs have never provided much emotional support- think it might be a generational thing. I do miss having the kind of DM I could go shopping with or take out for afternoon tea, but it is what it is.

What I find hard now is after being pretty emotionally repressed most of my life, they are now becoming open in their 80s and expecting emotional support from me, which I really don't want to give as I never had it from them.

Just to clarify a few things from those of us in this situation: from what several of us have said, this is not about age - our mums have always been this way.

It is also not about them NOT providing support for us (perhaps due to that repressed stiff upper lip approach), it's THEM needing support even when it is their adult child, ie us who is primarily dealing with the problem at hand. If someone has a miscarriage, it isn't demanding of them to hope that their mother (or father) would be supportive or even neutral rather than in a panic and draining their adult child of what energy they have trying to calm THEM down and support them.

Finally, I can only speak personally for this one but the reason I didn't mention my dad as much is because he's no longer alive.

my mum is a very loving, caring mother who helps me out with childcare, money if needed, always being loyal and honest etc

She sounds pretty good. You need to source your emotional support from elsewhere. It's probably easy for me to say as I don't have any kind of relationship with my mum but don't go to her with your worries as she won't help you.

I think it's entirely reasonable that she was too upset to sort the funeral for her husband- I would 100% the children to do all of this and not the spouse if all are grown up.

I'm in the same position, in my 50s, parents in their 80s. I have carefully hidden my depression from my parents all my life, as I knew I wouldn't get the right kind of support - it would have been all suffocating panic and self-blame with a side-order of 'just knuckle down and get on with things'.

Now my DM has become all 'it's good to talk' and tells me how depressed she is and her childhood trauma, and I really don't want to have her emotionally dumping on me (again - had a long childhood of being her 'best friend' for her to confide in inappropriately).

She has done the best she could and in many ways is a great mother, and is a product of her own growing up and the limitations that brought. I recognise that but still resent being the 'support' when it's not something I received.

I also feel for those in the thread with abusive and absent mothers, I can't imagine how hard that is.

I get what your saying but I think it sounds like your mum really cares and it's just her personality to get anxious. Some of us are better in a crisis than others- it's about learning who to go to for what support.
It sounds incredibly supportive and kind to randomly pay off £1000 of your holiday. She just shows it in the ways she best can.
On the funeral arrangements that sounds really tough but I would see it as an adult child's role. It doesn't make it easy and it's horrible for anyone to have to do but ainwould say generally a child will be more emotionally able than a widower/ widow. It's not a competition but as horrible as it is we all expect one day to have to arrange a parents funeral.

I do have a much older friend who is very anxious and when I had a recent cancer scare I didn't get any emotional support from her that I was expecting, instead it was all "oh but you're all right, though?", like you said, that I had to reassure her that actually nothing was wrong at a point when I didn't even know myself. So I can empathize with your position, even if my posts sound unsympathetic. If I imagine my friend as being like your Mum, I just can't imagine her changing. They don't mean badly, though.

My mum is very much like this (dad died when I was small). I left home quite young, and basically had to learn to adult and deal with any problems myself, as she just couldn’t cope with any requests for emotional or practical support, she either used to get really stroppy and ‘how dare you ask this of me, it’s so inconvenient’, or ‘oh why did you tell me that, now I’m so worried and upset, oh this is awful, poor me, how will I cope with this’. She was also very unaffectionate. Very similar to OP, she would always chuck money at me as a solution to any problem, when really what I needed was someone to actually support and help me (so for example she would never come and help me do anything practical in my flat, or help me move house, she would give me money to get it sorted myself). In my early twenties I rang her crying that my then boyfriend had threatened to kill me, had a massive substance abuse problem, and I was scared to leave him, and she basically said I shouldn’t have told her that because now she would worry, and what was she supposed to do about it anyway?

I’ve learned over the years to be very self sufficient, and not to tell her about anything important in my life; so we talk about TV programmes, the weather, what we did at the weekend etc etc. It’s her loss as far as I’m concerned, and sadly our relationship is still pretty transactional; the only time I tell her about a problem is if it’s one that can be solved with money because I know she will happily help out (she’s well off financially) and can cope with that kind of request no problem, anything else sends her into a spin.

She isn’t a bad person and I know she loves me, just very limited in terms of her emotional capacity to help and support me, or to inconvenience herself practically for me in any way – as a fully fledged adult that’s not a problem, but as a young adult trying to find my way in the world it was very upsetting and confusing, and even now, seeing the young couple next door get so much love and support from their parents as they set up house and start a family is very poignant as I see what I really didn’t have.

As PPs have said above, now she’s getting older she wants to share all her sadnesses and problems with me and expects me to support her in a way she never supported me. Plus now she wants hugs and handholding and I love you's, which were never given to me as a child, I find physical contact with her very difficult. I suspect it’s only going to get harder as she gets older and more vulnerable.