Secondary school lunch & paying for "friend"

[theysaiditgetseasier]

Info for context.

11yo daughter started secondary this year, she has autism and is in mainstream school, no learning difficulties, but she has got social, emotional & communication difficulties and really struggles to make / keep friends.

Since starting she does not eat at school and has only just started to go to the canteen.

I've noticed 3 times that she's purchased a chicken sub (over the last week or so) and as she's vegetarian I asked her if she was now eating meat again, she said no her friend in her class asks her to buy her it.

I don't mind the one off, if a parent has forgotten to top up the lunch money, but as she's vulnerable I feel 3 times is taking the piss

so AIBU I'm asking the school to address this? Or would that isolate her even more from one of the very few girls that actually talk to my dd
If you got this far thanks for reading!

If you ask the school to address it, they will want to speak to the mother of the child and the child and it could be that the child isn’t getting money to pay for their own lunches. So yeah it’s not your responsibility but you could stress that you don’t want this to result in your child being the target of anything

can you ask your daughter a bit about the girl first? I understand your dilemma - your dd might be being bullied, but it could be the girl is really struggling and can’t afford lunch. Do you take or collect your dd from school so that you can ask to be introduced to her ‘new friend’? If you’re concerned maybe talk to her form tutor - ask her just to keep an eye on things to see if dd is being manipulated/bullied.

Yes, speak to the school. If the other girl is taking advantage of your daughter, then the school needs to address it. If the girl isn't getting any lunch money from her parents then the school needs to address it.

It's difficult isn't it 😬
Unfortunately my daughter will not tell me anything that happens at school (she hates it and is awaiting counselling from PALMS as school anxiety is crippling), I'm not sure if she's trying to buy a friendship or being bullied or if its genuinely mum forgot to top up gateway.

I think I'll let school know but I'm worried it could upset the apple cart

@Scylax she doesn't open up to me at all, I drop her off she makes her own way home, unfortunately my daughter wouldn't introduce me to or discuss anything which makes it so hard for me to decide how to tackle it

Just message her head of year and they can alert staff on duty in the canteen to see what’s going on so they can intervene. That’s what would happen at the school I’m at. That way, you’re not involved and the school can find out why it’s happening and they can put a stop to it.

I don't mind the one off, if a parent has forgotten to top up the lunch money, but as she's vulnerable I feel 3 times is taking the piss

Did you say that to your DD? I would tell her that I’m sure you are doing it to be kind, but you can’t afford to buy other children’s lunches for them, so she needs to say no. I would alert the school as well though. I presume she’s under the SENCo and has some sort of ILP/plan?

Just tell your daughter that the lunch money is for her and nobody else? She has not to buy for other people. It sounds like she might be getting taken advantage of and that's what you're worried about?

Have had to do this with my son as they were all buying for each other on different days and sometimes he was left with no lunch money towards the end of the week and people 'forget' to pay you back.

Thanks for all the replies it's been really helpful.

@Shinyandnew1 I did say that to my daughter, i said it's ok to blame me as she may feel uncomfortable saying no, I'm not sure she'd have the confidence to actually say it though. Yes, she's under senco who have been monitoring ad hoc

@Invisimamma yes, I'm worried she's buying lunch for this friend and asking me to top up her account but equally worried she doesn't eat herself, she's not mentioned this girl to me at all, all she ever says is she has no friends, I'm worried she trying to buy company / friendship
@Houseplantmad good idea, I'd like to think her school would do the same

I'd just drop a note to school and say 'I'm just a bit concerned ... your DD being taken advantage of and / or other child has no lunch or money
I did that recently and didn't make a huge issue. Safeguarding team were all over it

That must be so hard for you; I'm sorry. Definitely try her form tutor - they should be best-placed to keep an eye on her well-being and alert you to any issues. I hope you can find out the truth behind this so that either your dd is protected from someone using her, or the other child gets help if she genuinely needs food.

Might be the girl's parents need help financially so speaking to teacher the best thing to do. Social services or the council can get help for the family if needed.