Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be friends with toxic SIL

23 replies

Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 21:19

My sil is a complete narcissist who takes no responsibility or accountability for her behaviour. She’s constantly looking to be offended and play the victim and she extends this victim hood onto the kids. I have 2 other SILs(there’s 4 bros) one lives out the country. Me and my 2 sil used to hang around with each other when kids were young out of being pleasant and the kids were all close. Over the years her behaviour has been Terrible and she is total hard work. It came to a head 3 years ago and she accused the family of causing her sons mh problems as they felt ignored and said we’d be responsible if he took his own life etc, really crazy stuff. We all including in laws cut her off. I’m that time I have became best friends with my other sil and our kids get on, it’s just east and nice. In the past month th narcissist sil has started speaking to in laws and they have asked us to all forgive and forgery. I have stated that I am happy to move on as a family and be in her company at family event’s however I’m no longer wanting to be friends as it’s so negative and she has no boundaries. My partner understands this. My nice sil has been answering texts from her and it’s clear to see she’s not changed, still wanting to play victim and still wanting to bitch about family members. So this past week her husband had been texting family chats(we all know it’s her) and my partner complaining that his kids are continuing to be hurt etc as my child was out with her cousin and I was seen out a walk with my nice sil. Basically she’s not happy with just getting together for family events and wants things to be how they were and feels it’s unfair for me and my nice sil to meet up with kids and hers aren’t invited( even though we all like the kids, it’s her we don’t like). My mil is now pissed off saying we are not nice to leave her out and all the wives are causing her precious sons problems. I can see how it’s not nice but 3 years have passed and my life is so much better without her(she makes me anxious) and I don’t think I should’ve be allowed to meet up with my other sil. I’m 44 and our kids are all adults! I know it may seem like an obvious answer but my partners brother, mother and sil are making out Luke I’m continuing bad feelings and being mean!

OP posts:
Janieforever · 07/11/2023 21:22

Well this is all a little school yard isn’t it. I was surprised when you said you were Middle Aged. Be friends with who you wish. But include the kids.

TheCatterall · 07/11/2023 21:24

I think you and your partner need to make a stand. And just keep repeating that you’ll accept her company at mixed events but you no longer want nor have a relationship with her on a personal level.

if you and Nice SIL want to meet up. Crack on. You are adults and can pick who is deserving of your time, energy and company.

just keep repeating yourself to MIL. She either accepts that this is as far as you will go with SIL or she doesn’t. But do not let her back into your nest/little family unit. She had her chance. Showed her true colours and is reaping what she showed.

TheCatterall · 07/11/2023 21:25

@Janieforever the kids are adults she says. After 14/16 kids can see and socialise or not - with whom they wish to.

Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 21:27

It is very much so! Been involved with a toxic family since I was 19 and mil would happy gaslight me to think I’m wrong! I’m getting better at having boundaries. The issue is she won’t let the kids be involved without her. Her partner wasn’t allowed to be around girl cousins as it would hurt his daughters but he was allowed to see boy cousins. My husband tried to arrange bowling with brothers and kids and she said kids didn’t want to go as they felt there mum was being left out. She is basically demanding to be friends with me and sil or she says her kids are being mistreated , she really doesn’t get the hint

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 21:29

Thank you so much, I know this is right deep down but my in laws have done a number on me, sil and mil are not nice people

OP posts:
Shutyourcakehole · 07/11/2023 21:41

"Sorry MIL, but I just don't get on particularly well with that SIL. The cousins are free to socialise together if they want to, I certainly won't stand in their way. I have absolutely NO problem with that whatsoever. But I personally have no desire for a forced friendship with this particular SIL. We don't get along, it's as simple as that. I'm happy to be friendly and civilised at family gatherings, but nothing else. I won't be doing anything different to what I have been doing in that respect, because I'm a grown woman of 44 and have the freedom to be friends, or not, with whomever I choose"

And then disengage. Just don't get caught up in any further playground drama.

Tiepolo · 07/11/2023 22:06

You all sound quite mad. I’d be getting shot of the lot of them. Who needs the drama?

Lucybee0 · 07/11/2023 22:15

Well this is all a little school yard isn’t it. I was surprised when you said you were Middle Aged. Be friends with who you wish. But include the kids.

It’s not “school yard” at all. People can be toxic at any age. And she can’t meet up with her SIL’s kids without SIL being there so she can’t “include” them.

OP stand your ground and don’t have a relationship with this woman.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 07/11/2023 22:18

YANBU at all. Don’t let her back in, it’s not your job to keep MIL’s sons happy!

Be firm!

Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 22:26

Thank you everyone, I knew this but your words have helped keep me strong! Some people really are toxic bullys!

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 22:27

The amount of typos in my posts are shocking! I apologise lol, I’m unwell and tired today x

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 07/11/2023 22:29

Well you are on here slagging her off trying to insinuate her opinions are not valid. Think you are equally as toxic to be honest.

Harry12345 · 07/11/2023 22:44

Saying she is narcissistic and dangerous is not slagging her off it’s stating facts! I’m so toxic she wants to be friend me with me, how does that make sense? No one in the family has ever liked her including all of the kids! What’s the point of this forum of you cannot discuss your situation?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 07/11/2023 22:51

@Harry12345 ignore the @AngelAuroras of the world. Not sure what angel she’s channeling… but I think she has missed the point and purpose of the mumsnet community. A place to vent, explore, share and support other women. I’m sure angel is perfectly objective in all her dealings with the world.

Lucybee0 · 07/11/2023 23:20

@AngelAurora

It sounds like maybe you are like the SIL & people find you toxic and that’s why you’re getting defensive!

JustAMinutePleass · 07/11/2023 23:28

How old are the kids? You shouldn’t be excluding them in your catch ups with the other sils. Of course the cousins won’t be close if you’ve deliberately excluded them for 3 years!

And who are you to decide sil is lying? For all you know she could be telling the truth. I presume you and the in laws don’t know the ins and outs of her son’s mental health as you haven’t seen him for 3 years?

HattieBrown · 08/11/2023 00:08

For your own MH keep her at arms length. Youve said your life is much better without her in it! I have a SIL like this and avoid at all costs!

Harry12345 · 08/11/2023 08:35

She didn’t allow the children to go with there dads and cousins to meet up, many times! Demonstrating that it is not about her kids but her needs, she makes anything about her into a attack on them. A good parent would explain that to their children and tell them that it’s not personal. It’s called building resilience. How could I include them if it means inviting her every time? Her sons mh may have been true however blaming other people when she has been the main cause of it was the final straw for me. I was not about to be blamed for a suicide(even though I believe it was pure manipulation) due to not speaking to a woman I don’t like. I have lost people to suicide and it was very triggering for me when she implied that!
the kids are now 4, 17 and 20. We do not know the 4 year old at all as my bil was not allowed to take him anywhere to visit family unless she was there.

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 08/11/2023 09:58

My question isn’t do you agree sil is toxic and telling the truth( I know what she is) it’s wether I am wrong not to be hang about with her as it upsets her kids and causes family drama

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 08/11/2023 12:02

People who instrumentalise their kids like that give me the rage. Don't let people gaslight you OP, that's a huge enough reason not to be friends with her.

The brothers seem quite passive in all of this, or am I reading it wrong?

Harry12345 · 08/11/2023 13:14

They are, they just want to keep the peace, and mil makes out they were a happy family until woman came involved. It’s my bil who sends all the messages and makes phone calls but we know it’s coming from her. I don’t even think he thinks for himself anymore. It’s really sad and I feel for the kids but I need to protect my own mh and not be friend with someone who is so damaging. Thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 08/11/2023 21:09

Hmm yes protect yourself. If the cousins want to they can get together more as they get older. Offering to go to family events is already doing more than enough. The ball's in their court now. Hope you get some peace now.

Harry12345 · 08/11/2023 21:16

AsMyGranWouldSay · 08/11/2023 21:09

Hmm yes protect yourself. If the cousins want to they can get together more as they get older. Offering to go to family events is already doing more than enough. The ball's in their court now. Hope you get some peace now.

Thank you x

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page