To think my friend should have contacted me today

[Moreveganice]

My best friend of 30 years has complex mental health issues. I have always been there for her and put in lots of support over the years.

She has very low periods where she hibernates and shuts herself away from the world. I normally reach out to her daily during these episodes and have sometimes had to organise help for her - U don’t live nearby. She lives alone and is s not working due to her health. I get that she is struggling.

however so am I.

I have had an extremely difficult couple of weeks. MIL is dying and DH is very upset. Difficulties with kids. My work had an emergency which meant a week of 15 hour days. And today I had to have surgery. ( fairly minor but under GA).

AIBU to think she could have messaged me today? Or do I need to accept she can’t? she has form for driving people away if she thinks she has upset them - often this is only in her head. But she has few friends left as it’s hard to manage.

This is coming after she missed mine and DCs birthdays ( not even sending a card). She is out and about- going out at the weekend and visiting family. I am angry as I feel she is being extremely selfish on this occasion and sad that I need her help and am not getting it.

Aibu to back off until she decides to get in touch?

I don't think YABU. I would hope my friends would send a message if they knew I was having surgery, even if it was just to say hope everything went well. I would also message a friend on their birthday to say have a nice day, maybe not to the children as I think I would be less sure of their birthdays!
So, yes, I would take a step back and consider carefully what she says when she next gets in touch.

If she is in a low point then she's going to be focusing on her self

It's not easy being friends with someone with MH issues, they can be selfish.

My SIL has got MH issues and she sees and thinks of no one other than herself. I think you're expecting empathy from someone who only has it for themselves.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time of things

I'm sorry things are shit.

I think YABU about the birthdays (surely a text is the very least not a card?)
But YANunreasonable to expect support at this time.

Having been the one with lots of issues. Whenever a friend has had something I could support with even remotely I'd be straight onto it to try and even things out and support her of course.

So very sorry. Your friend just can't be who you need her to be. Best wishes for your recovery from your surgery.

I've just accepted my friend of 50 years doesn't feel the same affection for me me as I do for her. I've just returned from a holiday with her and I was worried about doing something, I sought her out the night before specially to ask for her help in the morning. She didn't do it, I has to ask a stranger, I was so disappointed. I realise she is an acquaintance, and I must appreciate her friendship for what it is.

If she’s really mentally unwell then she may not be able to focus on anything other than that.

Honestly some people with mh problems are very self centred .

yes step back you have enough going on .

You are giving her too much of yourself.

She is not the only one who needs a friend, you do too.

Stop sending her birthday cards and supportive messages. It’s her turn to contact you, then your turn etc. Otherwise she will take you for granted.

If she can make an effort for family, she can make an effort for you.

Unfortunately some people just have their own pity party and they wallow in it and can't comprehend that others also have problems

Wow I'm glad I'm not your friend.

Pity party ? Wtf

Does she know about all your recent struggles? Did she even reply when you told her?

Don't ever rely on a friend with complex mental health problems to be your support in times of need. They're not up to the job and who knows what the added stress will do to them. Do you enjoy being with them? What are the boundaries to what support you will give them? Why are you supporting/ being friends with them? Sounds like you need to step back and invest your time in normal, well-balanced people, who also have spare capacity to reciprocate. The support you give your needy, fragile, friend is all on you. Write it off as a good deed.