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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH for being an Arse

22 replies

moodywren · 10/03/2008 22:15

Yesterday dh came downstairs like a bear with a sore head yelling at the kids and being totally unreasonable. I asked him what was wrong and he said 'You're the treasurer of our village hall so why can't you keep an eye on our bank account.'

I said 'well I'm not the one paying £350 for Rayban glasses, the mortgage was paid last week so there's not going to be much money in there'

Bank statement arrived today, when I opened it and saw the first page I said 'how much credit have you been putting on your phone?'
He snapped back 'I know I've stopped I'm not doing it anymore, I was using it for the net. Don't go on or I'm walking out.'

I waited til he went upstairs and added up all his top ups £280 in one month.

I want to have a row about this but can't face it. We have 3 dcs and just found out I am pg again (not planned). I have all sorts of things going through my mind. I am so angry he made out it was my fault we haven't got much in the bank. I know exactly whats going out and when. How was I to know he was doing this? I've been feeling guilty for spending £50 on dcs shoes.

Now I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't have this baby. It means getting a new car which I don't think we can afford, that money could have gone towards it.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 10/03/2008 22:17

YANBU, he is!

controlfreakyagain · 10/03/2008 22:18

is he being completely straight with you? if you cant talk about this life is going to be hard.....

clam · 10/03/2008 22:21

Don't know much about treasuring, but don't people have to clear expenses through you, or ask you t write cheques for them? If so, tell him that'll be the difference. No-one there is running up £280 bills without informing you! But, that aside, is this not just msking the real issue going on here? That money is tight, there's another mouth to feed imminent, he's boobed on his finances, and he's worried sick too? You need to talk! When you're both calm.

fedup1981 · 10/03/2008 22:22

£280 for topping up his phone in one month??? CAN you spend £280 a month just on wap? You sure he hasn't been calling chatlines or something? That's a huge amount of money just for the internet.

Poor you, you sound very stressed, and yes he is an arse YANBU at all.

Original poster
moodywren · 10/03/2008 22:23

I have going through my mind is he having an affair but I know he doesn't have time for one.

He knows he's done wrong and thats why he's so defensive. We've always been able to talk about stuff. I know when he was single he used to download stuff on his phone but he didn't have a mortgage and a family to look after then.

I've just given up smoking cause of the pregnancy and god I'd kill for a fag.

OP posts:
ara · 10/03/2008 22:27

what the hell has he spent £280 quid on??!!!! i'd paff it and have a good look, check he's not downloading/121ing - why on earth would you choose to spend this kind of cash accessing the net using a mobile if you weren't doing something shady.....????

LyraSilvertongue · 10/03/2008 22:27

Why is he spending £280 on credit? Surely a contract phone would be miles cheaper. Mine's only £25 a month.

LyraSilvertongue · 10/03/2008 22:28

YANBU btw. He is.

fedup1981 · 10/03/2008 22:29

mw, I have to admit that was my first thought too, especially since he was being so defensive. If not an affair, could it be that he's gambling via his phone, or calling chatlines?

Original poster
moodywren · 10/03/2008 22:31

He works nights and gets bored so plays with his phone. I think he might have been on chat lines. He's never put this much credit on before, it used to be £10-£15 so not worth getting a contract phone.

Anyone live near me and smoke? Please??

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 10/03/2008 22:34

you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this.

fedup1981 · 10/03/2008 22:38

Any chance of swiping his phone?

Original poster
moodywren · 10/03/2008 22:44

I will try when he gets home from work, but if he had anything to hide and had any sense he'd have deleted it by then.

I just don't think he realised how much money he was putting on there.

I was just so angry that he'd tried to blame me for not keeping an eye on the money. There are so many things we could have spent that money on we're not hard up but to me thats a lot of money. Three months council tax, almost all the water bill, new floor for the kitchen.

His parents are babysitting Wed night and I don't know if I'll be able to pretend that everythings ok.

OP posts:
fedup1981 · 10/03/2008 23:04

It is a lot of money and you're right to be angry, he needs to wise up and realise he has a growing family to support. Some peopel are so irresponsible. I hope you're ok and taking it easy for your baby. x

windygalestoday · 10/03/2008 23:24

take a breath ....hes done it its spent and its gone.....discuss it on wednesday evening when u are child free and mke ways to prevent it happening again anyone can make one mistake he KNEW youd see the bill so clearly hes not being cleverly deceitful,next month will bring another wage you wont starve and this is just a hurdle you choose how to climb over it.

you are understandably mad but its waste of your energy .....

windygalestoday · 10/03/2008 23:25

hey moody i see you are living near spalding i used to live near holbeach too how are you finding it?

moondog · 10/03/2008 23:27

What about the £350 for a pair of sunglasses?
Dear God,what an idiot.

Original poster
moodywren · 10/03/2008 23:28

Thanks windy. I am calming down now and agree whats done is done he's never done anything like it before and I don't think he'll do it again.

I am just feeling really emotional and irrational at the moment and everything seems a lot worse then it is at the moment.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 10/03/2008 23:33

moodywren please don't let additional stress affect you.shame it all seems like one thing after another.do take care of your health/stress esp pg.

hope you get a sleep and some resolution

vole3 · 11/03/2008 07:48

Knowing what DH was like with money, we do not have a joint account and that has led to a very happy 9 years of marriage.

We both work so have divided the household direct debits between us, pay our own personal things and what ever is left is our own mad money. He did work for an agency for a while so I paid the majority as his income wasn't guaranteed, but now he tops up by giving me housekeeping.

It is probably time that both of you sat down and looked at your monthly income and outgoings. Divide them into Essentials i.e. mortgage, utilities, insurance, travel & childcare expenses, food and household, & Non-essentials e.g. Sky - do you really use all of your package, memberships - when did you go to the gym last...

Do go onto the money saving expert and have a read of what he has to say. We did it in order to make finding the money for our childminder a bit easier.

If you're not working then make sure he gives you the housekeeping for the month at the beginning in cash. I find that actually parting with crisp notes is much more real and difficult than just getting a card swiped. I also give myself a weekly budget, so instead of at the beginning of the month having say £500 to last the month and spending £450 in the first 2 weeks, I allow myself £100 per week and have a little bit of slack in the system.

I won't say that it always works, such as the time I left my ebay account logged on and found he'd bought an Xbox whilst drunk, but it does mean that each person takes responsibility for their own penniless state and the important things get paid for.

Original poster
moodywren · 11/03/2008 21:34

Feeling much calmer today. I decided to store this up to use against him when I want something. I want a water birth at home and he's not keen on a pool but I am definately getting it now.

Moondog - they were glasses not sunglasses, he did need them but I think they were working in commission and took him for a ride.

Windy - I am quite enjoying living here. I have made one really good friend and got involved in the running of the village, sp I have lots to do.

Vole - We have an agreement about how the bills etc are paid, his wages cover mortgage, council tax, electric and gas etc. I pay for food, kids clothes, day to day stuff with money from child benefit/tax credits. We have been doing quite well, just had a little blip.

I think I worry too much about money, we're not hard up but I want to have a reserve of cash for emergencies so I never have to worry when we get an unexpected bill, but whenever we do get a bit put by something always comes up.
I sold a puppy at the weekend for £850 so its not really that we needed the money he wasted but the fact that he did it without thinking about us.

Sorry being a bit long-winded tonight. Feeling alot more positive today, despite spending most of the day throwing up.

Thanks for all your messages

OP posts:
Original poster
moodywren · 11/03/2008 21:34

Feeling much calmer today. I decided to store this up to use against him when I want something. I want a water birth at home and he's not keen on a pool but I am definately getting it now.

Moondog - they were glasses not sunglasses, he did need them but I think they were working in commission and took him for a ride.

Windy - I am quite enjoying living here. I have made one really good friend and got involved in the running of the village, sp I have lots to do.

Vole - We have an agreement about how the bills etc are paid, his wages cover mortgage, council tax, electric and gas etc. I pay for food, kids clothes, day to day stuff with money from child benefit/tax credits. We have been doing quite well, just had a little blip.

I think I worry too much about money, we're not hard up but I want to have a reserve of cash for emergencies so I never have to worry when we get an unexpected bill, but whenever we do get a bit put by something always comes up.
I sold a puppy at the weekend for £850 so its not really that we needed the money he wasted but the fact that he did it without thinking about us.

Sorry being a bit long-winded tonight. Feeling alot more positive today, despite spending most of the day throwing up.

Thanks for all your messages

OP posts:
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