DH took a new job just before Covid. The scope changed between him accepting the offer and starting, but it sounded okay. When it started, he hated it - he had no experience in the area he was working in; felt very stressed, and his disability didn't cope with some of the work he had to do. He lost 3 stone in six weeks, looked gravely unwell, and eventually agreed with his manager that he'd step aside and they'd pay him his notice.
Then Covid hit, and decimated his industry, which still hasn't really recovered.
In the meantime, I was self-employed, pretty successfully. When he'd recovered from his old job, he started doing some admin for me. I survived Covid, but it was rough, and I started having to do a lot more, lower-paid, work - which meant not much for DH to do. But we made it work. Then I got pregnant, and some of my higher-paying clients backed out. I'll be honest and say I hadn't expected that. I went back to work doing more of the lower-paid stuff when DS was 8 weeks, and it got us through. I worked a lot of hours, but mostly remote, so I could feed DS when he needed me. DH looked after DS and didn't really work at this point. DH did apply for a lot of jobs, and got a lot of final interviews, but funding for the jobs kept being pulled.
I could not find time to do the work I needed to do, let alone promote our business for better-paid work, so I accepted a 40-hour-a-week contract a few months ago. DH took on one of our clients, which used to take me 8 hours a week. DS started two mornings of nursery, which is all we can afford right now, really. DH is doing work for the client that he can do, but hasn't in quite some time, and he's quite slow and needs a lot of input from me.
I now work 40 hours a week in the permanent role, plus overnight Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for another client. It is hard. DS doesn't sleep through the night yet. We're trying to wean from breastfeeding. He's found nursery challenging and is now in a phase of not letting me out of his sight, and constantly asking for me. He won't go to bed for DH anymore.
DH has just had a moan at me because he thinks I should have done something for our business which IS on my to-do list but isn't a priority and I genuinely haven't had the chance. I feel like I'm failing at everything every day. I'm trying to be nice because I know he feels that there's no room for Dads at this age and he's a bit lost with work, but I'm at a loss too. I think he expects that an hour here and there should be enough but it's not. As much as I want it to be, it's not. And now I'm employed, there's a fuck load of usually unnecessary but essential meetings I have to go to with clients...
I can see them now watching tractors together, while I'm working on a presentation that is already late. I'm so fed up of being pulled in all directions. I offered him support to go back to work if he felt he needed more meaning, and have done again, but he doesn't want to - and I think he's upset that fewer and fewer employers can look past his disability, which is getting more visible as he gets older.
I'm honestly not sure what to do here. I think he resents me a bit for having a successful business before but not having things for him to do now, but it took a lot before. I never nailed the not-working-every-hour thing, but it didn't matter when it was just me. It feels like it matters a lot now that I have a toddler. I want to spend time with him.
I don't remember the last time I didn't feel fucking exhausted, regardless of what time I go to bed. I work SO much to try and give us a nice life.