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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Could exh take me to court...

39 replies

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 13:01

Second thread about him in 24 hours. Please bear with me.

I've spoken to social services this morning in regard to exh seeing our son.

Exh is an abusive narcissist. Called the police about him recently. Got him blocked on everything except an email address.

Exh wanted to see ds tonight but as I am not ready too see him yet, I have suggested next week would be better instead - through email. He has not seen ds for 10 days and has only seen him a few times since September. We have no arrangement for childcare so I am not breaking anything by saying he can see ds next week instead.

Exh has replied that he doesn't want to see ds until all our other things are sorted and he is going to take me to court for the following:

I was given a house through a housing association (very lucky I know) and it was in a terrible state. At this time, things between exh and myself were good. He came to view the house and offered to do it up for me. I did not ask. I did not have to pay him for labour (I offered many times but he declined) just materials.

The work began and over the months I thought I saw a real change in exh. He was in therapy and looked to be sorting his issues. We decided that we would give it a year and then he would move in if things were good. He carried on doing the work - this did take up all of his time. It was a lot of work. He also paid for odd materials which again, I never asked him too. I always said no I would pay….but as we were getting on I thought it was ok. He also paid no maintenance towards our son at this time too. But there was no issues at this point.

I then moved into the house and exh started to stay here on occasions. I bought a bunk bed for my step son too stay here (exh son). Exh had some belongings here and he also set his sky tv account up here and his broadband.

Soon after I moved in, exh was back to his old abusive ways. He left me and asked for his stuff and gave me back his keys. It’s been shit since then and I’ve had to call the police . He will not leave me alone and is a nasty piece of work.

I will have many text messages saying that he wants to do the work for free. That he is going to class it as his home. His son classes it as his home.

We are still married. Not filled for divorce yet - too scared too. He is not on the tenancy or bills apart form the sky tv.

He is now demanding I pay him money for all the labour he did on my home and for the materials he paid for. He is threatening to take me to court if I don’t pay.

Apparently he spoken to citizens advice and he has a good case.

Anyone advice? So sorry this is so long. It’s all just another threat. I know I was stupid for letting him do the work in the first place but please believe when I say, he is very very persistent and persuasive!

OP posts:
festivemood · 07/11/2023 15:54

He's your husband, the father of your child and has done some work around the house?
Are you taking him to court for all the laundry and cleaning you've done, dinners you've cooked and for looking after his child.

Rjahdhdvd · 07/11/2023 15:55

People who are married cannot take the other person to court for labour or even materials. He is absolutely dreaming.
Call sky and see what they say.

Conkersinautumn · 07/11/2023 15:59

Only engage about your son and contact, none of his other ramblings AT AlL need acknowledging. I had a friend actually read emails send me only the relevant line and then do my answer for about a month so I could really get used to it (she offered) really trimmed out to simple factual info and times only. It was a good habit as I tended to get dragged into his bs and drama.

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 16:03

festivemood · 07/11/2023 15:54

He's your husband, the father of your child and has done some work around the house?
Are you taking him to court for all the laundry and cleaning you've done, dinners you've cooked and for looking after his child.

That's not a real job unfortunately according to exH.

He has a daughter who I am very close too and hopefully always will be. She is 18 now.

Exh was emailing me yesterday to say how much she dislikes me now. However little did he know that we've been messaging for the last week, she really wants to keep our relationship going. She always messages me just to say she loves me and ds and she misses us. She's coming for tea tomorrow.

I really need to remember that his words are empty.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 07/11/2023 16:05

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 15:43

Thank you so much. I am not financially tied to him in anything thankfully. I removed my name off our joint account almost 2 years ago. That was a nightmare, he refused so had to get the bank account frozen.

The sky is worrying me. It's sky glass. I don't know if I can put it in my name without speaking to exh. I'll ring them. If he wants it then he actually owns the tv so someone will have to come and collect it. He pays for the WiFi too. Honestly if I could get that sorted it would be a huge relief. But exh probably won't make it easy as you can see!

I'll do the cms route. He is using sky as a reason not to pay at the moment.

Ds is pretty gutted in not seeing his dad tonight so I'm not going to take him to soft play to cheer him up. It's not like I don't already have a headache 😂

You should be fine with the Sky. Given my friend's parents had Sky turn up to install it for a new person moving in. The idiot moving in next door had given the wrong address. Never mind the fact that her parents have probably had their own Sky account at that address for about 25 years. They cut off her parents, so the local fool could get his installed. No evidence of an address/ownership/tenancy anything. So, you could just ask for it to be done in your name. They'll just cut him off, from experience.

FSTraining · 07/11/2023 16:19

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 14:57

He has paid it all off months ago. He is 100% not in debt with it. I'd say he spent around £600 on materials.

All he has linked to my home is his sky account. That's all. Was never on any of the bills for anything else. Absolutely everything is in my name.

He's not going to take you to court for £600, it wouldn't be worthwhile.

PaminaMozart · 07/11/2023 16:23

Stop engaging with him unless it is about child access visits. Keep copies of all communications, as far back as possible. Also keep a chronological diary of everything that has happened/is happening, including phone calls, so you have a concise summary and not just a bunch of emails and text messages, which can become confusing and overwhelming.

Call Sky and tell them your Ex set up the account without your knowledge or permission. Make it clear he does not live there and you do not want this account associated with your address.

Gather all your financial stuff - I mean yours and his - and see a competent family solicitor, with a view of filing for divorce. I mean everything: bank/investment statements, P60s, tax returns, pensions, evidence of any other assets or property.

Get ahead of him because the person initiating the divorce has more control. If you wait for him to do it he'll just mess you around more than he is already.

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 16:42

@FSTraining I'd say it's about that. Not entirely sure. I have proof of all the invoices I paid for materials. Exh is a builder so he used all his trading accounts but I paid the invites directly to the company. It shows on my bank account.

OP posts:
rougeroses · 07/11/2023 16:44

PaminaMozart · 07/11/2023 16:23

Stop engaging with him unless it is about child access visits. Keep copies of all communications, as far back as possible. Also keep a chronological diary of everything that has happened/is happening, including phone calls, so you have a concise summary and not just a bunch of emails and text messages, which can become confusing and overwhelming.

Call Sky and tell them your Ex set up the account without your knowledge or permission. Make it clear he does not live there and you do not want this account associated with your address.

Gather all your financial stuff - I mean yours and his - and see a competent family solicitor, with a view of filing for divorce. I mean everything: bank/investment statements, P60s, tax returns, pensions, evidence of any other assets or property.

Get ahead of him because the person initiating the divorce has more control. If you wait for him to do it he'll just mess you around more than he is already.

Yes I'm going to speak to the solicitor assosiated with the charity i am working with as it's all related to domestic abuse so I will 100% go with any legal advice they give me.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 07/11/2023 17:23

Regarding his emails, the frequency is definitely abusive. Set up a special email folder for him and a filter rule that sends everything straight there from your inbox, then only check it periodically. I'd say set up a special email address just for him but he's got your address anyway and you probably won't want to change it for everything else you're using it for.

I'm a bit concerned about his keys. You say he returned them, but you uave mo guarantee he didn't have copies made before then. For your own safety, please exchange the locks. You can do it yourself or given the abuse maybe the housing association can do it for you. A pain in the behind but better to take all precautions.

rougeroses · 07/11/2023 18:41

GrumpyPanda · 07/11/2023 17:23

Regarding his emails, the frequency is definitely abusive. Set up a special email folder for him and a filter rule that sends everything straight there from your inbox, then only check it periodically. I'd say set up a special email address just for him but he's got your address anyway and you probably won't want to change it for everything else you're using it for.

I'm a bit concerned about his keys. You say he returned them, but you uave mo guarantee he didn't have copies made before then. For your own safety, please exchange the locks. You can do it yourself or given the abuse maybe the housing association can do it for you. A pain in the behind but better to take all precautions.

Thank you.

I have set up an email address just for him which is the one he contacts me on. He hates it. He really wants me to unblock him which I refuse to do.

As the the locks - thank you again. I'm really pleased as I got a new side door fitted last week. I know he did have a key for the old door but obviously he doesn't for the new one so that's sorted. He could possibly have a key for the front door so I know that needs changing. At the moment, I just keep a front door key in the other side as we don't use it.

I also have 2 security cameras fitted on my house and I'm getting a 3rd one fitted at the end of the week. My whole house will then be covered by cameras.

OP posts:
rougeroses · 07/11/2023 22:44

More emails tonight saying we're going to a small claims court....

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 08/11/2023 14:16

Block him op. He can contact you via a solicitor if he wants to see dc.. You mh is more important right now than dc having a relationship with a twat. Let him convince a judge he is suitable for unsupervised contact.

rougeroses · 08/11/2023 22:20

Ibravedaflood · 08/11/2023 14:16

Block him op. He can contact you via a solicitor if he wants to see dc.. You mh is more important right now than dc having a relationship with a twat. Let him convince a judge he is suitable for unsupervised contact.

Thank you, I'm speaking to a solicitor this week.

He's sent me a few emails today, still telling me I am cold. Apparently the way I am coming across (grey rock) makes me a horrible person.

Not replied and will block - it's just scary of how angry that would make him. I'm getting the last camera and a ring door bell fitted on Friday so I'm going to block him completely when that's done

OP posts:
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