My husband's "fibromyalgia"...

[MysticMary]

I've posted before about how my husband will always start to feel unwell at any time he is expected to do something (ie most weekends). Due to the pattern and nature of his "symptoms" and the fact that he is able to suddenly perk up when there is something he does want to do, I've had little sympathy for this. When he says I'm being callous I tell him that if he felt that bad he'd go to the doctors and see what's going on.

Anyway, a few weeks ago he read up on fibromyalgia and decided he probably has that. Off he went to the doctors, and to my surprise the GP basically said that since there is no test for fibromyalgia then if he feels the symptoms fit then he can say that's what he's got!!

My friend has fibromyalgia, and whilst I know it's different for everyone, I just don't think DH has got it. But now I'm stuck with a useless husband who has a "bad fibro day" several times per week and now I'm not even allowed to challenge it.

So, anyone who has/knows about fibromyalgia... Is this right?? Surely it's not purely a self diagnosed condition?

Sorry if I do sound unsympathetic to my husband, but we have two preschoolers and I need all the help I can get!

It’s a catch all term rather than a specific disease. Like “irritable bowel syndrome”. So it varies significantly in everyone who has it as it’s so poorly defined. Some people have major underlying undiscovered issues, some have psychological problems causing the pain, so it can vary a lot in its presentation.

Why are you putting everything in inverted commas? Why don't you believe him? He may well have Fibromyalgia, or something else, which you should both be looking into. How would you feel if it was the other way round and he belittled you?

YANBU.

My Ex’s mum was the same (and claimed to have fibro) - claimed to always be sick whenever she had something she should do. Amazing that when I was over at his she was ALWAYS capable of getting in her car and driving around. But if he was at mine she needed lifts as she was too sick to drive.

Your husband sounds like a lazy twat. And I would have no sympathy either - it’s just pathetic and takes away from people who are actually sick.

My friend had years of testing for different conditions and problems before being diagnosed.

Or here's an idea, deal with what is actually bothering her and/or don't belittle him for feeling ill?

LTB.

We had a friend who’d researched illnesses that couldn’t be diagnosed. He used another illness to side step everything he didn’t want to do but just the same as your DH OP he was well enough surprisingly for things he did want to do.

I don’t have any answers for you OP, maybe go along with it but cajole him into managing it, so if he’s about to do something he wants that might trigger a relapse really call him out on doing said thing, do it enough times with sympathy. “DH do you really think you should be exerting yourself to xyz, it may set off a relapse and I really need you to be well enough to help me with children”

💐💐💐

An ex colleague of mine had fibromyalgia diagnosed by a hospital doctor and took meds for it. You could tell she was in pain. When she retired it just went away and she was as surprised as anybody and said herself she probably didn't have it in the first place. There was something giving her pain, though, possibly constant bending over small children.

I do believe it is a real condition though.

I doubt that's what the doctor said. For conditions like that causing tiredness and pain they need to rule out everything else that they can test for first. When I had something similar there were blood tests, hormone tests, heart checks, and scans, and it had to be going on for 6 months before they would diagnose. Otherwise they would miss things they could actually treat

Something isn’t right here. Are you sure your DH is telling you the truth about the GP visit ? Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose and normally requires extensive examination to determine. The GP would normally refer to a rheumatologist for confirmation, not just tell the patient to basically rely on self diagnosis if they were experiencing symptoms that fit. That sounds bizarre.

My friend (female) was diagnosed with fibromyalgia by the doctor after blood tests couldn’t find any other explanation for her periods of fatigue and general aches.

Tbh she is absolutely fine every time something nice is planned like going to festivals, doing fun exercise classes or going abroad on holiday. So I’m a bit sceptical.

I do believe she genuinely thinks she has fibromyalgia. But I think it’s more likely in her case that she can’t handle stress so stressful situations bring out various symptoms in her.

British guidelines now say that you do not need a specialist to diagnose fibromyalgia.Relevant page

If he's using his "illnesses" to get out of adulting, you have the choice to stay with him or not OP. I wouldn't bother making him go to the GP.

Incidentally, the best thing for fibro is weight training. Your body hurts anyway and keeping it strong is the best thing you can do for it. Too many people just let it rule their lives and let their body get weak.

My Dad used to magically put his back out before every family event. The thing is, I don't doubt the physical pain but I honestly think his own brain could trigger it when he was dreading something. It felt manipulative, and makes me very sad now for my mother. "Don't ask me to participate like a normal human being in Christmas Day/child's First Holy Communion/thing that is important to somebody else in family or I will be in crippling pain for 3 days."

I have a chronic health condition

Flare ups occur irrespective of whether the thing I need to do is a fun event or a work meeting

I have a certain amount of energy/stamina depending on how ill I am, and can only do a certain amount of tasks.

I live alone, and am at a point in my life where I proritise fun stuff over work or admin. However, if I had kids and a partner, I'd be prioritising them and having discussions as to how we could try and share the load fairly (probably not equally mind), taking into account me being ill a lot of the time. I think your husband should be doing this @MysticMary , but don't think it's fair to dismiss his symptoms right off the bat. He also should be doing everything he can to manage his condition (If he has one) and improve his health if possible.

Is your GP practice one that allows you to log in and look at your records? It might be helpful to consult the notes about the consultation and see what the GPs advice was and any guidance your DH had for escalation if the symptoms worsen or continue beyond a set amount of time.

If I thought my husband was faking or exaggerating illness to get out of being a grown up, I wouldn't be with him. I'm not saying that he is doing this, but the fact that you think he is would be enough for me to expect there are other things about him that you dislike. What is your relationship like?

Sounds like he has twisted the GP's word to shut his own agenda.

You have to sit down and ask yourself whether you want to be with someone like him for the rest of your life because whether he genuinely is suffering or is pretending he is not going to change and may well become worse.

Do you really want to be saddled with that albatross around your neck?

He isn't pulling his weight and is a drain on you emotionally. The resentment and frustration you feel will worsen.

What kind of an example of a healthy relationship are you giving your children?

Quite frankly I think he may have a few twinges but probably because of lack of activity and he gets out of doing things by saying he can't.

This in itself may be a mental health problem but why should you be the one to carry the burden of his ineffectiveness as a husband and father?

Personally I would get rid of him and free yourself of this sluggard/loafer/idler/lazybones/malingerer/moocher/sloth/shirker/slacker/layabout/deadbeat/wastrel/couch spud.

Also if they did diagnose it they should be advising on medication for pain, and signposting him to resources on pacing etc. Not just 'yeah it's probably that, bye'. Though doesn't always happen.

If he has had no tests for anything else then I'd be suspicious. If he has had a number of tests ans they've all come back negative then it is possible the doctor said that

I think that before you write him off as useless it would be worth going through the process to see if there is anything serious going on.

If you both jointly ask for a referral to a rheumatologist/ask him to be checked out for arthritis/thyroiditis etc then you are potentially getting him on medicine that can make his life so much better, and he will be able to help you out more because his pain will be controlled. Win/win situation.

No, this doesn’t sound right.

He can’t be diagnosed in a 10 minute visit to the GP without any investigations to exclude other causes.

I'd offer to go to the doctors with him to help him push for medication / referral to a specialist and help him with coping strategies.

However yourarriage may be over. Either your husband is faking a horrible illness to opt out of family life. Which is shit. Or he is genuine and you don't believe him. Which is shit

It is quite possible that she has flare ups which are caused by overexertion - she can maybe muster the energy to do something really enjoyable, but then pays for it in terms of pain and energy levels afterwards.

DH had rheumatology and neurology appointments before diagnosis, to rule out auto-immune conditions before being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It does sound surprising that the GP would not investigate at all.

Chronic pain often triggers low mood, and it is of course easier for someone to motivate themselves to something they would enjoy rather than chores. As a partner this is incredibly frustrating if you get left with all the drudge work. I completely understand. Help with communicating is really important and I'd recommend counselling either together or apart. DH accessed the pain clinic via the NHS which was amazingly helpful and I paid for some sessions privately.

The website Health Rising is a great source of research on fibro and chronic fatigue syndrome. Since fibro is a non-specific syndrome there are probably people with different conditions in this category. Common misdiagnoses seem to be POTS, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. There's a lot of crossover between fibro and neurodiversity in case that might be something to look into for your DH. The theories range from auto-immune to neuro-inflammation, to a wrongly 'wired' nervous system.

My diagnosis: you have a lazy husband that you need to divorce