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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would social services speak to my ex husband?

19 replies

rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:22

My ex husband is a narcissist. 100%. I know it's a term thrown around a lot but he is.

Since September he has done nothing but emotionally abuse me and control me. I've called the police but there was little they could do. I have been waiting for a call from social services but they haven't rang yet. Not sure if they will.

I'm thinking of calling them myself tomorrow but wanted to ask for advice first.

Ex H has only seen ds around 5 times for a couple of hours at the most since September. He has no real interest of seeing ds. It's me he wants to see. He will use ds to see me. Ds is 5.

He asked for a FaceTime earlier and I agreed. The call wasn't to ds really but more to speak to me. However he did ask ds if he wanted to go out for tea tomorrow. Without asking me first. This is on FaceTime. Ds got all excited. My heart broke.

Ds asked where they were going to and it turns out, he doesn't want to take him out at all but he will take ds to see his nana (exs mum, ex is living with her at the moment). Nana will obviously cook him tea etc. Ds was a bit disappointed as ex did say he was taking him out but anyway....I'm rambling.

I'm not ready to see exh. I don't want too. He is not allowed at my house at all. The plan was always to meet at a public place with ds but even that scares me - last time I saw exh he refused to leave my house and threw my phone.

I don't have a 3rd party that could do it. I only have my mum but she doesn't want to see him either.

I think it's of mine and ds best interests that he doesn't see his dad tomorrow. I don't trust exh at all with the drop offs. And the fact that exh just wants ti get control me.

But I need help on how to deal with this in the future. I don't know whether to just stop contact all together?

Could social services help me deal with this? Would they call him and speak to him? I need exh to know that his behaviour is serious.

OP posts:
SgtJuneAckland · 06/11/2023 23:25

What's his mum like? Could you drop off to her? Do you have any concerns for your son's welfare or safety in his dad's care?

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 06/11/2023 23:26

Can you drop and collect from his Mums? Is he a good Dad when he's with DS?

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:28

He wouldn't let her. He is so nasty to her and she's scared of him. I could contact her and ask but it won't happen. He won't let me call the shots. I couldn't meet her anywhere either as she's not very mobile. Definitely couldn't let her walk alone with ds as she wouldn't be able to catch him if he ran off or let go of her hand.

I wish it was an option but she is honestly just as scared of him as I am. And she would have no choice to take his side.

OP posts:
TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 23:31

I'm sorry to say this but from very personal experience, if it ever went to court, they'd take a very dim view of you stopping contact or even controlling it without proof of a very good reason.

It's shit but it's the way it is I'm afraid.

Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 23:33

Contact us at womens aid for advise

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 23:33

And no I don't think SS would get involved in any kind of mediation.

Farahilda · 06/11/2023 23:36

I doubt there is anything SS can do, other than suggest an intermediary for drop off/pick us, or use of a contact centre.

I don't think what you've written so far (which is about the impact on you) will carry any weight in blocking contact for DS with his father - I agree with @TheresaCrowd

Morewineplease10 · 06/11/2023 23:37

So next time he asks for face time don't be available. Don't outright say no or anything he can use against uou.

Your son is ill/sleeping/on a playdate etc.

If he has no genuine desire to see your son, he'll get bored and give up.

Play it smart.

And yes, call Women's aid for some advice.

Bluela18 · 06/11/2023 23:38

Yes I would call ss, worth a try to see what they can advise. He is emotionally abusive and not interested in his son. I'd make a diary of when he visits ds and all his abuse keep messages etc. You will have police records to go in your favour too. The ss might carry out a risk assessment on him, but obviously I have no idea. Definitely reach out for further advice before this damages your son.

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:39

Sorry I hadn't finished my post. Pressed send too soon!

Ds will be looked after as in he will be fed etc. It's more the emotional side. Exh is convinced i have a new secret boyfriend who stays at my house every night. I don't. So it will be lots of questions along the lines of 'does mummy have a new boyfriend?' and 'has anyone been sleeping at your house?'

Which again I understand isn't massive but this man has caused us so much damage. He's also a gambling addict and used to involve the kids in that which is a concern. Used to make them to pick numbers on roulette.

The last time we saw exh I was crying on the floor with exh hovering over me looking through my phone. Exh then threw it. Ds was in the next room.

He then shouted that I was never going to see him again and he was going to have his death on my hands. Meaning he was going to go kill himself and it would be my fault.

He's a nasty nasty piece of work. I just want to protect my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:41

I've had all sorts of nasty messages from him tonight and while I understand this is all directed at me, it really isn't easy to hand my son over to someone who is so abusive.

He does have a criminal record but nothing recent apart from the complaints I've made against him

OP posts:
Sicario · 06/11/2023 23:42

Arrange handover at your local police station. Speak to the domestic abuse team there and make them aware that you have an abusive exH who you are afraid of. Tell them you need a safe space for contact handover.

TheresaCrowd · 06/11/2023 23:42

rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:39

Sorry I hadn't finished my post. Pressed send too soon!

Ds will be looked after as in he will be fed etc. It's more the emotional side. Exh is convinced i have a new secret boyfriend who stays at my house every night. I don't. So it will be lots of questions along the lines of 'does mummy have a new boyfriend?' and 'has anyone been sleeping at your house?'

Which again I understand isn't massive but this man has caused us so much damage. He's also a gambling addict and used to involve the kids in that which is a concern. Used to make them to pick numbers on roulette.

The last time we saw exh I was crying on the floor with exh hovering over me looking through my phone. Exh then threw it. Ds was in the next room.

He then shouted that I was never going to see him again and he was going to have his death on my hands. Meaning he was going to go kill himself and it would be my fault.

He's a nasty nasty piece of work. I just want to protect my son.

I get it but in the eyes of SS (or the court if it comes to it) it's your word against his and you know he'll deny all of that.

At the end of the day your DS has an awful dad but sadly that's not enough imo for SS to want to intervene.

Okaaaay · 06/11/2023 23:50

Screenshot his messages, speak to woman’s aid in the morning, contact local DV services - speak to anyone you can to get advice and support. He sounds vile and he doesn’t own you or your son. Find someone who can help you advocate for yourself. And write everything down. Every exchange, what was said, the time etc. Everything.

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2023 23:55

Speak to womens aid.
Take steps to minimise contact. Change mobile and phone number and tell him all contact will be through email - set the email up and check it twice a week.
I'd drop dc to his parents house yourself so he has no reason to be near your property. Make sure your a few paces away when he opens door. Then leave asap

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:56

Okaaaay · 06/11/2023 23:50

Screenshot his messages, speak to woman’s aid in the morning, contact local DV services - speak to anyone you can to get advice and support. He sounds vile and he doesn’t own you or your son. Find someone who can help you advocate for yourself. And write everything down. Every exchange, what was said, the time etc. Everything.

Thank you. I have really tried to protect myself in all this but I don't know if any of it would count towards anything as again, it's about me and not my son.

But my therapist knows everything. I'm currently doing the freedom programme which is amazing. I've kept diaries and even video diaries of f everything. The first thing I did after he left last time (after checking on ds too) was make a video diary explaining everything that's just happened. My phone is full of them. But again - it's all about me.

I will definitely give woman's aid a call. And social services too. It can't do any harm surely

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 06/11/2023 23:56

Sadly you need to play the long game..

you will look like a bitter ex .. you need to grey rock .. He doesn’t come in your house .
Don’t let him know he is bothering you .

can he collect from school .

my Ds’s dad was exactly the same in the sense he was interested in seeing me not Ds . We used a contact centre for quite a while but then it was soft play . I got mil to supervise.

if you accept FaceTime . Put it in one place .. put dc in front . When he wonders off .. ok he’s gone .. end call .

if he is sending abusive texts log with police.

Original poster
rougeroses · 06/11/2023 23:59

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2023 23:55

Speak to womens aid.
Take steps to minimise contact. Change mobile and phone number and tell him all contact will be through email - set the email up and check it twice a week.
I'd drop dc to his parents house yourself so he has no reason to be near your property. Make sure your a few paces away when he opens door. Then leave asap

Thank you. This is all through email. I have blocked him on everything. I only unblocked him to do the FaceTime then re blocked him again straight away. I really am taking the right steps.

I just hate that this is so scary! He has another son who no longer wants nothing to do with him too. He's 10 and hasn't seen his dad since August. He's a mostly kid - we were very close.
Sorry just drop feeding now but I'm just trying to peace any evidence I have together. Sadly I know it won't count for much!

OP posts:
Original poster
rougeroses · 07/11/2023 00:02

Starlightstarbright2 · 06/11/2023 23:56

Sadly you need to play the long game..

you will look like a bitter ex .. you need to grey rock .. He doesn’t come in your house .
Don’t let him know he is bothering you .

can he collect from school .

my Ds’s dad was exactly the same in the sense he was interested in seeing me not Ds . We used a contact centre for quite a while but then it was soft play . I got mil to supervise.

if you accept FaceTime . Put it in one place .. put dc in front . When he wonders off .. ok he’s gone .. end call .

if he is sending abusive texts log with police.

Yes grey rock all the way! He absolutely hates it. This is why I've been called cold and horrible tonight.

He's playing the victim to everyone, that's what he does. I just hate my poor ds is stuck in this. He loves his dad. But I know his dad doesn't love him sadly.

OP posts:
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