To hope a third child is possible

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I always wanted three DC but feel time and circumstances might have gone against me somewhat. We have DS(3) and DD 9 months. Between them being born we had several fairly late losses. It was the worst time of my life and I really thought when DD was born that I should be grateful and cut my losses at 2 DC but I just can’t shake the longing for a third and the feeling that someone is missing from our family.

I’m 39 and fully aware that time and luck is not on my side. The thing is if we hadn’t had the losses I know 100% I would have tried for a third but now I’m worried I’ll just be putting us through more heartbreak. I’d love for DS to have a brother or DD to have a sister - is it crazy to contemplate it?

My 3rd child is the joy of my life (along with her siblings). It sounds like you’d regret it if you didn’t try OP.

I really feel you on this. I’m a similar age and had a very scary experience with my last pregnancy - same age as your 2nd.
I’d like another too. I always wanted two.

Personally, what I’m weighing up is whether the regret of not having tried will hurt more. I don’t know. It’s hard.

no advice to offer, sorry OP. Just solidarity.

3 is incredibly hard work and expensive. I feel bad that we won't be able to give them the same benefits their friends are having.
There is an expectation now 5hat you will support through university (x3) and help with a housing deposit (x3). We can't because of the x3! Holidays are expensive. Giving them enough attention is hard. If you are lucky enough to be loaded and not have to both work full time then consider it, otherwise don't!

Sorry for your losses - but "I’d love for DS to have a brother or DD to have a sister" - so that means that if you get no 3, you'll want another, and if no 4 is the same gender as no 3 another one still?

It's only a question (or rather a set of questions) that you and your partner can answer.

You may of course be successful if you try and the possibility that this might have been an outcome is something you'll need to decide if you can live with if you don't.

Conversely, yes you could be opening yourself up to more heartbreak only this time with higher stakes because of the impact that may have on your 2 existing children.

Your eldest for example is at an age where keeping a pregnancy a secret is going to be difficult as it progresses. The fact you suffered late loss (I'm so sorry ) means you have to think about the possibility of explaining such an event to them.

I think you have to seriously consider all the potential outcomes and the impact on all the family of each of them.

Personally I'd be highly reluctant to risk another pregnancy and I'd be able to come to terms with that - but I'm not you....

Ah it’s all so difficult, heart versus head. I’m aware how much more expensive three would be as my sister has three. I take on board what pp say about the impact on my existing DC. With DC2 I was willing to put myself through the losses as I wanted another child more than I wanted to not go through the pain of loss again. This time I feel I’m probably being a bit greedy/selfish but I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to try and I don’t want to be full of regrets if I don’t give it a go.

@ThinWomansBrain no I don’t mean it like it like that. Three would always be my absolute limit, it’s just deciding whether to go for the third.

I think my biggest worry in this situation would be the impact on your 3 year old if you had a late loss again.

Go for it, it's amazing. Your kids are young and you're already in the thick of it. I have 3 and am contemplating a 4th!
Unless financially you are struggling I don't really see that 3 is hugely different to two it just depends how you choose to live and what your priorities are. It's incredible to have a little tribe and fascinating to watch 3 sibling relationships rather than just 1.

Maybe I have had strange three year olds, but I don't think a late loss would have had any impact on them. They're far too young to get it and would just take it in their stride, so I wouldn't see that as a factor. Maybe age six plus it would be a concern.

I have three and love it. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk of further losses though.

I have 2 kids in 11 years of being with my DH without using any contraceptive so a long spell of infertility. I fell pregnant with a third and lost the baby at 11 weeks and I kind of regret trying to have a third, the loss has changed me and I wish I had just stopped and never put myself through that. We are over a year on from that and no further babies so I'm moving towards it never happening. Wish I was brave enough to close that chapter and get rid of all the baby stuff and get long term contraception in place but I'm not there yet. Mind you the older they get and I get I see friends with babies and it does seem like hard work when you have been past that stage for such a long time and life is getting easier.