Brother worries

[Eva90]

Hi all

Sorry for the long read. I have a brother who is 26 but acts 18. I'm always empathetic with him as he has always struggled with his confidence, social skills and nerves in general. I believe he is probably on the spectrum as he ticks a lot of the signs although no one has ever said this to him. He's a sensitive person and I know also very loving and caring however, in the last few years he's also become quite arrogant, rude at times and selfish when it comes to our family.

He got a new girlfriend around 8 months ago and literally moved in with her after they had known each other a week! I get the impression it's not the healthiest of relationships and we have barely seen him since and he takes days on end to reply to mine or my mums messages. It drives my mum mad and they clash a lot so I think it is better that he no one longer lives at home. She can be a a bit overbearing and think she has at times pushed him away by being so, but he really acts like a child so I can see why she still treats him like one. It's gone from one extreme to the other where he was home all the time to never seeing anyone.

He visits my parents home sometimes but will spend the majority of his time in his bedroom, even eating dinner in there sometimes (like a teenager) and leaves his room in a state. My mum is upset as she just feels like he doesn't make any effort and neither does his new girlfriend. We have met her a handful of times at family birthdays / get together but rarely just randomly. I know he has also dropped his friends since the new relationship. She seems nice enough but doesn't seem close to her family so maybe for her it's the norm.

After thinking about it for a while, I have sent him a long message this evening, not to have a go at him but just explaining that his lack of effort makes it seem like he doesn't care for any of us. I haven't mentioned his gf at all as I know it will get his back up. He really needs to grow up and act his age and realise that our parents aren't getting any younger and he can't keep acting like a stroppy teenager towards them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I just don't know what will get through to him. I know he isn't deliberately trying to upset anyone but I'm so sick of hearing how sad my mum feels every week that she's not heard from him, or he's been really blunt with her. She feels like she is on eggshells constantly and it breaks my heart as she did so much for us as a single mum growing up.

My stepdad has also been an amazing parent to us both and they were also really close, so it's sad to see him just drop everyone without a second thought.

I haven't heard back from him yet and now just feel awful with anxiety.

Any thoughts welcome :(

It all sounds really hard. I think you've said your piece now and don't push it. At least he's not come back with a load of abuse and denials so maybe silence is the best response you could have hoped for. My take is that really your mum is the one that's put you in a difficult position if she's complaining to you about his behaviour but not actually saying anything directly to him herself. I think she has a choice to make, either she sets firm but kind boundaries with him herself or she doesn't but then she owns that and keeps her offloading to you within manageable boundaries and not upset you to this extent.

It doesn't have to be a horrible argument, but could she not say things like 'Bob you know we love you and it's great to have you around but if you come to dinner with us we expect you to sit and eat it with us. It's rude to take your dinner in your room and eat alone, it makes us feel as though you don't want to spend time with us' or similar. If he's neurodivergent I wouldn't drop hints like 'stop behaving like a teenager' or 'you need to make more effort' and then get frustrated with lack of response, as he may genuinely not understand what is meant by that, what part of his behaviour is too teenager-ish or what's wrong with behaving like a younger person or why expectations are different at home now he doesn't live there. And equally if your parents need help they may need to be much more explicit with him about what that help is, frankly even without neurodivergence it can be tricky with capable but aging parents to know what support is wanted or will be accepted and what's overstepping.

Or if your and your mum's anxiety is that by having these difficult conversations you'll drive him away altogether then you don't have to do it, it's OK to keep home as a safe space where he can revert to that teenager-y type and is looked after and coddled - where you suspect an unhealthy relationship it can be good to keep relationships very open and not risk closing them off/isolating them further from the family - but like I say if that's the decision then you and she need to accept it for what it is and try not to catastrophise or attribute the worst possible motives to him, giving him the benefit of the doubt it isn't unheard of for young people in their first relationship and head over heels in love to want to cocoon themselves up together to the exclusion of all others, yes, it's not a mature or particularly considerate thing to do but you say he's more like an 18 year old than a 26 year old (and frankly my own son is in his mid 20s, not ND, and totally obsessed with his GF too, they're totally joined at the hip, it's a bit icky and irritating but I don't take it as a personal slight!).

Thanks so much, your reply really spoke a lot of sense. I have heard back from him today and it was a pretty short ignorant message of "I'm sorry you feel that way, I have always been bad at replying at life is really busy at the moment". But I'm glad that I've made my feelings known and will leave it there.

My mum has tried endlessly to speak with him in the past both in person and sending him messages. She is however a very emotional person and can also get annoyed easily so I think he just switches off and always has an excuse / comeback so unfortunately it always ends in an argument.

I think you're right that she (and I) just need to accept this is the way he is. I have done for a while and of course have my own busy life going on so I don't think about it too much until I hear from my mum and she is upset again over the situation. I no longer live nearby and she spends a lot of time at home and on her phone and in her own thoughts, which is her own responsibility to get out and do more which I've tried to encourage but she doesn't.

I just feel bad for my parents as they are in their 60s and 70s and shouldn't have this added stress/upset from an adult child. I can't see him ever maturing unfortunately and it's draining

I can see why you and your mum are hurt by his behaviour. However, you use a lot of negative language to describe your brother and you say your mum gets annoyed easily, so from the opposite side that can’t be very pleasant for your brother either. There is a saying that goes something like ‘you catch more flies with honey’, which I think would be a better tactic for you and your mum to take. Your mum needs to take responsibility for being overbearing and easily annoyed (using your words), and reign it in and have a calmer attitude towards your brother. He will likely be more willing to spend time with her then. I think there are issues on both sides, and it’s not just a brother problem, but a mother problem too.

Yes there definitely are issues on both sides and I can see that she has made him pull away by being so overbearing at times which I have pointed out to her. I feel like I am childminding them both at times! I try and tell her that the relationship with him isn't going to be the same as ours as mother and daughter, but he then takes it to the extreme and makes no effort at all.

You are right that a different approach is needed rather than nagging him. I realise the language is negative towards him but I don't say of this to him as I don't want to fall out.

In my own life I have seen an elderly mother create the same situation with her own adult son. She was over-bearing and he described her as a nag. She had an old-fashioned way of thinking that a ‘A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, A son is your son until he has a wife’. It was something she repeatedly said. It became like a self-fulfilling prophecy for her though because she chose the path of smother, nag and be over-bearing in the hopes that she could keep him with her, I think also in part to scare off any potential partners so she could keep him all to herself. It backfired spectacularly. I think your mother needs to show your brother some no strings kindness (like I said, catch the fly with honey). She needs to make herself more appealing to spend time with and relax. She will lose him forever otherwise.
I’ve also seen mothers with adult sons have fantastic relationships with them. The biggest difference is those types of mothers treat their sons with respect as adults and they welcome the child’s partners and make a friend of their DILs.