To be worn down with the pressure

[Craigscleaner]

I have a 13 week old baby and I’m under constant pressure by the in laws to leave him with them for the day or overnight.
I breastfeed and made it clear I’m not comfortable leaving him until he’s older, never mind the fact he needs me for milk as I struggle to pump. They ignore this fact and make comments like ‘when is he due a bottle we’ll give him it while you go shopping’. They know he doesn’t have bottles.
They are also always making digs about me being controlling or withholding time with my baby because I take him to feed in private.
MIL took delight in telling me she’d decorated her spare bedroom as a nursery so he can sleep over any time.
I politely shut down these comments with replies such as ‘thank you hell love that when he’s a lot older’ but they chose to ignore them even when DH says ‘one day but not yet’.
Im now posting because MIL text me to say she’ll have my baby this weekend because she bought a tub of cow and gate and some bottles so there’s no need to delay it. This really hurt me because it’s none of her business how I feed my baby and I didn’t make the decision to combi feed. I broke down to DH who has told her to stop and it’s caused a huge argument.
I’m not totally evil, I know they’re excited about a grandchild but they have to respect my wishes too and stop bullying me into feeding formula for their benefit.
It has made things awkward and I don’t feel like I could trust them to babysit one day after all this.
has anyone else had meddling in laws like this and how did you resolve it permanently? I intend to cut down contact time even temporarily, but ultimately my son deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

You are not totally evil at all!! MIL sounds like a bloody nightmare and she needs to back off!!!

He also deserves a mum who feels at peace and not pressurised by people who don’t know how to listen to your boundaries.

Continue to say no. ‘As you know DGS is breastfed and therefore reliant on me as is normal for a young baby to be. When he’s older, that might work. Let’s see nearer the time. You are welcome to come round and see us though, just text me to let me know when you’re free.’

Repeat until they get the message. Literally copy and paste the same thing over and over

It's insane. They are already showing no respect for you, no respect for your baby or for any boundary.

They cannot be trusted with a young child.

I politely shut down these comments with replies such as ‘thank you hell love that when he’s a lot older’
you are absolutely lovely, many of us would have told them to fuck off by now.

Don't be upset, you are doing nothing wrong, they are insane. If you need to take a step back and restart a relationship in a few years, then do it.

And if needed be blunt

’It’s a shame that formula you’ve bought is going to go to waste. You know DGS doesn’t have that. I‘ve heard the food bank in the supermarket accept donations, so hopefully it can go to someone who needs it!’

A small baby does not need to build a relationship with their grandparents. They need the primary caregiver and the feeding set up that is working for them and you.

It is not to your child's benefit for them to spend a night with MiL - it is only because she likes the idea. So you do not need to feel like your child will be somehow deprived if you say no to this. She wants this for herself not for the baby's benefit.

They can still build a close relationship with grandparents without ever staying overnight! It's not a requirement at all.

I suggest all contact with her goes via your husband for a while (maybe a very long while.... ). Block her texts and remove the stress from your life.

Wow! What's wrong with her? She sounds totally disrespectful.

I think your DH really needs to shut this down (it's his parents and you've got enough on your plate).

Just tell them no…you’ll let them know when baby is ready for an extended visit. You understand they are excited, but it’s not going to be any time soon and you will let them know when baby is ready.

The point is start as you mean to go with them.

It is wearing to have someone do this to you but one thing is clear, the problem won’t solve itself on it’s own.

I’m astonished at the number of threads like this on MN - GPs wanting to have the baby alone to stay at a very young age. At least @Craigscleaner your DH is on your side. Good for him.
The GPs have no right to have YOUR baby alone until you decide you’ll allow that - IF you ever decide to. They have absolutely no right whatsoever to try interfering with feeding.
Stand firm. It isn’t you that’s caused the argument, it’s them. They need to know that the more they try to “insist” the less you’ll trust them and the less you’ll want to see them.
At 13 weeks your baby doesn’t need a relationship with his GPs. He certainly doesn’t need to stay overnight with them away from you. You’re breastfeeding ffs!
As PPs have pointed out your MILs obsession with taking your baby away from you overnight and giving him formula is NOTHING to do with his wellbeing and everything to do with her simply wanting it. How dare she, and how dare she say you’re “withholding” your baby from her when you feed him in private.

my son deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

With grandparents like this, he might be better off without.

Get dh to text her. Hi dm, dc will be bf til around 2 years old so stop making hints about having dc overnight.. We will be gakd of ghebhelp when dc is a toddler so will let you know when we are ready then...thanks a lot for the offers... Op's dh..

Your dc deserves a dm around 24 /7 if that's what dm wants to happen.

ime, keep saying no, for years, until they have another grandchild. Sorry op, it’s really awful I know.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I'm glad your DH is supporting you. At the end of the day you have done nothing wrong. You are breastfeeding have said pumping doesn't work for you therefore you physically can't just hand him over even if you wanted too. It's your feeding journey and people should be supporting you in your choices.

Block your MIL for the time being and focus on your little one and your bonding.

She’s bonkers. I’ll never be like this if I have grandkids. Tell her to rein it in.

Your DH needs to be very very clear, and he also needs to make sure that they know it's not just you, HE agrees.

I'm stubborn. Every time my ILs crossed my boundaries I replaced them with stronger ones. Shared baby pictures publicly on a Facebook account with no security settings? I set up a closed group without them, and didn't send them any more. Used visits to push boundaries (similar to your MIL) - visited less, invited them to visit less.

They soon learnt that trying to break our boundaries meant less contact for them. They stopped, eventually.

Stupid thing is since former H and I separated they really haven't bothered with her. Their loss. She's awesome.

’It’s a shame that formula you’ve bought is going to go to waste. You know DGS doesn’t have that. I‘ve heard the food bank in the supermarket accept donations, so hopefully it can go to someone who needs it!’
This is perfect.
My MIL warned me- via her sister- that my marriage would suffer if I didn't let her look after DD so I could socialise with DH! Thankfully exclusive bfeeding and her DS/my DH telling her to back off worked.

Thank you everyone, you all sound so much stronger than me! I’d love to tell her to fuck off and block her but the reality is I’d never have the guts. I don’t think I’d ever want to leave my baby with them even when he is older because I don’t trust what they’d do out of my sight after all this. I remember reading on here years back about someone’s relative trying to feed their young baby chocolate, this would probably be my in laws. They had no interest while I was pregnant so I’m not sure why they have sudden become obsessed but I don’t like it. I’ll take some of your comments and speak to DH about firm boundaries and withdrawing even more.

This is a perfect strategy. No need to be rude or cause a scene. Just quietly hand out consequences for her actions.

Just to say that (for once in aibu) you DO NOT have a DH problem even tho your in laws are such hard work.

Do we have the same in-laws?

I had the exact same scenario plus myriad other issues with mine. It resulted in me going no contact with my ILs. They triggered PND in me and nearly drove me to suicide.

Once my daughter was older, my husband took her round once a fortnight. They are low contact. I did not encourage her to stay over until she asked to - my daughter was eight before she stayed over. Guess what? They brought her back early as looking after an eight-year-old is hard work (she’s very well-behaved). I’d love to have seen them cope overnight with a newborn!

By being completely over the top and overbearing during the first few months of my daughter’s life, they ruined everything for themselves. They could have seen her more often and had her stay with them sooner if they had just BACKED OFF in the early months. In contrast, my parents were easygoing and let me take the lead with my child. She first stayed with them aged 18 months and has a much better relationship with them as they respect that she is my child and their grandchild.

Put yourself first. Tell your husband how it will be. He needs to continue to take your side and speak to them. Not you. You need to go no contact with them. You are in the right and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. How fuckin’ dare they.

Hi OP,

I have similar inlaws and the stress has wrecked my health and my DS's childhood. Please do stand up to your inlaws. This kind of bullying is insidious and will really wear you down and ultimately bugger up your marriage if you don't.

Also read a book called "Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage"

It's really good.

btw way though, that is extremely weird that she told you that she was having the baby to stay. I would be erecting an electric fence and digging a moat and ringing round clinical psychologists. No sense wasting time.

Simply remind yourself your dc is more important to you than mil.. That dc's needs outweigh a grown woman's.. That dc needs you not dgm.

That’s exactly what I think when I see these posts about relatives who are so fixated on having the baby to stay without the parents. It isn’t about “building a relationship”, a 13 week old baby doesn’t do relationship building! and grandparents can and do have relationships with their GC when they only see the whole family.

So it has to be something else. She wants to play mummy (we’ve seen plenty of that on MN). Or she wants to “parent” the baby in ways she knows you don’t approve of (feeding inappropriate food, allowing things that are unsafe, etc, and we see a lot of that too, like GPs giving a baby coffee). Or she wants to make herself the special person to your son (like the GM who was telling the mum that the child preferred the GM and didn’t want to go home). None of this is being just a nice, loving, supportive grandparent, it’s interfering and it’s all about what the GP wants, not what the baby and his parents need.

"Knock it off Maureen, I said no and I meant it."