To feel so sad about lack of sibling relationship

[heyomayo]

I don’t get along well with my sister and it’s probably beyond fixing, because it’s impossible to sit down and talk with her without her becoming very defensive and reactive. She has treated me and DH awfully in the past and for so long went unchallenged. Now it has been challenged she is doing the classic, deny and blame me. Lots of things are deflections and she can be extremely clever and manipulative.

I feel sad because I never thought she’d turn out this way. I always envisaged a close relationship. She has a baby, our niece, who we have met twice. She makes it very difficult for us to see them and then accuses us of being disinterested and unavailable. It’s not miscommunication, I think she knows what she’s doing and she seeks a lot of validation / wants to be the victim a lot. She likes to gloat and tbh they have more assets than we ever will do as BIL is a very high earner, so their showing off is understandable.

We are hoping for a family. It’s coming up to Christmas, I work with families and I see lots of happy extended families with cousins playing together etc. I wish more than anything that’s what we had. My parents have always pictured that too. On all the threads on here about only children, lots of people comment that they think DC need a sibling so they have someone as an adult/lifelong friend etc. I have got one but she is really unhealthy to be around - I think that’s worse, because I know she’s there but we’ll never be close and I grieve the relationship I don’t have with my niece and future DN.

DH is an only child too

AIBU to feel sad? :(

Yes, it’s sad you can’t have the kind of sibling relationship you wanted.

All you can do is play the cards you have. You think she is manipulative, showy, defensive and plays the victim. These aren't just traits that spring out of nowhere, so I wonder why you envisaged a future with a great sibling friendship when you intensely dislike her?

It is sad op we not overly close either Im one of 3. Reading your post she prob wont change now.. its hard though. I would love a hassle free family ha

She’s a lot older than me and we would have occasional sibling arguments growing up but nothing too bad. I didn’t notice any of this really until I moved out.

I’m 1 of 4 and only my DB and I have a relationship, none of the others do with us or each other, they’re both highly toxic. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel sad about it, I have moments where I feel sad but the peace from staying away from all the drama makes the sad moments of missing what isn’t possible worthwhile

I’m one of 4. I don’t have a close relationship with any of my siblings. I have 2 nieces I’ve never even met. It is sad but I’m happier without them in my life .

Most people I know (including me and DH) aren’t close with their siblings. I think it’s more common than not.

it is sad op, but not uncommon.

Really? How odd. Most people I know are friends with their siblings, I certainly wouldn't be without mine.

Thank you. Like you I have observed more people as adults who don’t get on with their siblings rather than do, which is weird!

Not everyone has picture perfect families, I have a DB he is a horrible person, I went NC for 11 years (for very good reason) I gave him another chance despite my better judgement and within 3 months he had reverted to exactly the same chappy behaviour again and caused a lot of drama and upset. He is toxic and so we are back to NC and he messed up his last chance. Some people are just best avoided OP

How close are you to your parents? How do they manage the situation? I always feel for the parents too when siblings are like this

My sister is the same, absolutely toxic. I've been low contact for years and it's the best thing. She is my only family but it's better to stay away. Not everyone gets along with their siblings.

Op you have started a number of threads about your sister and your desire to see your DN

i think you need to begin accepting that a close relationship with your DN is unlikely given the relationship between her mother and aunt

I completely sympathise Op. I am NC with my sister and there is no hope for us. It’s a stone in my shoe forever but sadly a relationship with her is just not on the menu.
it’s very sad.

Tbh I don't think there is such a thing as a hassle free family! Families are lifelong relationships of compromise, negotiation etc obviously some personalities make this more difficult than others and so on. But even so everyone has their flaws and have to learn to get along (or not, if that's the choice that people make).

I feel for you OP, I have two siblings and thankfully a great relationship with one and a not so great one with the other. It is what it is. They are soon to become a parent too so I'm wondering how that will play out, we will see I guess.

It just makes social things a bit awkward. But talking to friends in past few years seems be same for them not close. Your dealing with tricky personalities too in some cases. Sad. It is what it is.

I understand why you feel sad.

However, you say at the start that you and your sister do not get on, and ultimately, if you don't get on, forcing a relationship isn't going to be healthy for either of you. It's better to have a very distant relationship than a close relationship that's fraught with tension, regardless of whether you have kids or not.

Some extended families are close, yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean those relationships are particularly healthy! My ex-SIL has a large extended family - lots of siblings and all the siblings have children (often many!) of their own. They are close in the sense that they see each other all the time and all still live in the same area and so on - in many ways they live in each other's pockets by most standards and the cousins play together etc. BUT... they are constantly bickering, arguing, bitching about each other, causing dramas etc. One of the siblings has actually now moved overseas with her husband purely because she couldn't handle the claustrophobia of it all, and one of my teenage nephews actually begs not to have to attend family gatherings because he finds it stressful.

Ultimately, if you had a friend you didn't get on with, you would stop hanging out with them and you wouldn't try to encourage a relationship between your kids. I do know why a sibling relationship feels like it should be something different, but at the end of the day you and your sister are two different people with only one thing in common, which is having the same parents. There is no reason, really, why you should get on.

Like I said at the start, I know why you're sad about it and I wish I had a better relationship with my own sister sometimes too (we don't dislike each other, but we don't connect on anything more than a fairly superficial level and we do find each other's personalities difficult to handle) but then I also think that if we weren't sisters and just (eg) lived next door to each other, we wouldn't end up becoming friends.

My mother caused and perpetuated it. Playing us against each other, slagging is off to each other, running to each of us crying over what we did to her.

As teenagers she used each of us as the other parent.

Don't feel too gloomy for parents they can be the cause of life long rivalry and hostility

My sister and I don’t speak except at family christmases etc. No bad blood but zero in common. I wish we could have the kind of relationships others have, but we don’t. i think it’s fairly common but not much talked about

what is your relationship like with your sister and mother now?

It is sad. DH has the same situation with his sister who is a drug addict and generally involved with lots of unsavoury things. She isn’t the sort of person DH wants near our DC so she’s never met them, I understand his stance and support him with it. He’s sad she is the way she is but he’s past trying to help her, as are PILs.

Just goes this way sometimes in life, there isn’t much you can do so try not to dwell too much. Your life will probably be healthier without her influence.

Non existent with my sister but then she had gone on to be abusive in her marriage and has been divorced for assaulting her husband.

Mum still plays us against each other. Slags each of us off to the other when she wants sympathy or attention from one of us.

Couldn't care less if I never saw either of them again tbh

Yes our mother stirs alot of it too Balls. So I have to be careful as you dont know what she saying to girls. Families unreal. My husb are quite close they seem loyal

I am baffled you have any contact with your mother

and your sister doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to be close to no matter what your mother told you or didnt tell you

Its actually normal to still have contact with a parent who has been abusive. You naturally try and gain love and approval you never had. It's so common.

Mum is terminally ill now anyway and she's got less than a year. Once she's gone I never have to see my abusive nasty sister again. Sister has alienated most of her own friends, her ex husband and I guess her daughter (my niece) is next.