To expect more from friend?

[ZYXWV]

Am a regular, name-changing to prevent identification as not sure if friend comes on here.

Background - Have a friend from school days (now in our 40s) and although live miles apart and away from home town, have kept in close contact. Bridesmaids for each other, godmothers etc. Over years meeting up has become less frequent as our families grow etc, but still phone 3 or 4 times a year, birthday and Christmas cards and letters.

Last year I had literally just got back from holiday when she rang to say she was in my town and could we meet. Of course we did and had a lovely time. While there I told her some really bad news about the health of my brother which I'd received a few weeks previously. Treatment was about to start etc, and I was quite wobbly about it.

Anyway 8 months, and not so much as a phone call later, I had a Christmas card, no letter, no nothing.
Went to parents and they had a card from her mum with a note saying so sorry to hear about brother and pleased to be getting regular updates on progress from X (my friend). She hasn't had any updates as she hasn't rung at all.
It niggled away, but I kind of put it to the back of my mind. A month or so ago I sent her a birthday card and put in a note about health progress. Not a word since.

She and my brother got on really well, and I'm surprised that she hasn't been in touch. And I think what really bothers me as well is that she was giving her mum progress reports when she hadn't got a clue.

Am I right to feel hurt? Its just been niggling away at me and needed to offload.

Are you sure her and your brother have not been in contact?

That was my first thought too.

Absolutely. He would've said, because he's heard from other friends of mine and rang me to say.

Very strange. Some people do react very oddly to bad news. Have you tried to call her?

I think I'd be cross about giving fake updates too.

For some reason she doesn't want to get in touch obviously. Maybe she is brooding about something (can't bear these types who have the blog on about something but never TELL you what it is, so pointless) or perhaps she is just busy, I know ages can pass and I keep meaning to contact friends, but before I know it, another month has passed. perhaps when her mum asks she just says he's fine, rather than say she's not been in touch (esp if she feels guilty for letting so much time pass??) or maybe she's waiting for you to call.. (I won't phone HER, she should phone ME, I've made all the effort etc etc sort of thing) After all, in over 8 months, you didn't contact her either, which you could have done. Neither of you are mind readers, so perhaps you should just ring her, say it's been ages and does she want to catch up.

I can't imagine she's making up progress reports. I'd give her a call and find out whats going on. She may have got the info from another source.

If she's not been in touch for awhile there may be stuff going on for her. If she's a good friend you don't want resentment to build. I'm sure a quick conversation will put your mind at rest.

Knowing what my mother is like, putting a note in a card about "progress reports" could simply mean that your friend mentioned your brother was unwell, once.

It's all a bit chinese-whispers-y

Message withdrawn

Good points you're all making, thanks for taking the time to reply.
We have gone for months before without ringing, because other stuff is going on, and its always been fine. I think I'm just hurt she hasn't rung to ask when there's something major going on. And the longer she didn't ring, the more annoyed I got. Then by writing to her, twice now, and still hearing nothing from her, makes me think she doesn't really care.

And I'm almost certain there is no other third party she could have heard from.

Ho-hum

That's what I immediately thought, too. Or is she using you as an alibi?

It is insensitive of her, but doesn't sound malicious. I would call her, it's the only way you'll really know what she's thinking.

Hope it all works out for you, and that your brother is ok. x

Crossed posts a bit there, yes you're right about what/why her mum might write that.

Thats why I like MN, helps so much you get things in perspective. Think if you'd all jumped in there with a "oh yes, how awful, terrible friend..." I would've felt even worse

So what now? Still feel a bit fed up she hasn't replied to either of my letters, and tbh before my Christmas one, she really wouldn't have known if dbro was desperately ill or recovering.

Message withdrawn

Thank you

you what, some people just find serious illnesses difficult to deal with. im not saying thats an excuse but it could be why.

it's like when someone dies and people don't know what to say and say nothing, thats why i think it always good to at leat saying thinking of you im here if you need me, then they have the chance to talk if they want to.

I agree with MF, calling is the only direct way. A lot of people assume everything is getting better unless they hear the worst IYSWIM

Don't blame you for feeling fed up. Pick up that phone now! Don't let yourself dwell for no reason.