To think my BIL is a CF?

[Robsyouruncle]

DS6 has Sen. We are frequently called into school to discuss issues/general reviews, DS has had some difficult weeks. It’s been awful to see him struggling and as a family we are at a loss for what to do. DS goes to mainstream school as it what LA deemed best for him, he is bright and able to learn, can verbalise his needs and have a conversation just has big emotional needs and gets extremely overwhelmed. When he does he is absolutely distraught and inconsolable, for this reason I am sometimes called into school. I go in at the moment maybe once a week, it’s frustrating as I am called a lot but I am happy to be kept in the loop and since it’s only 8 weeks into the term I expected there to be some teething problems whilst he gets into the routine. Bottom line is my DS comes first and is more important than anything else I have to do and if he needs me I’ll be there.

Visiting BIL and SIL, we’ve never had much sympathy from them where DS is concerned as I don’t think they truly understand SEN/ASD. They have 3 NT children. DS comes up in conversation and they ask about school, we cross paths with them a lot so they know about our current school issues, we don’t ask them for advice and usually keep conversation light because of the aforementioned lack of understanding of Sen. We can’t avoid them but details are outing.

BIL told us to tell the school to ‘F OFF’ next time they call and to stop calling us in for meetings and to tell the school to ‘just get our DS a one to one to follow him round’. DH told him that it’s not as simple as that and we need to be there for our DS as well as keeping contact with the school productive and positive. The comment about ‘just getting DS a one to one’ felt really dismissive and as though we are making something out nothing. I’ve explained that it’s not that simple, but don’t expect BIL to understand Ehcp’s etc. He just couldn’t let it go though.

I felt like BIL was underplaying DS’s needs and was just plain rude. It’s not the first time he’s made dismissive comments, he has an ‘I’m an expert’ attitude whilst he obviously knows nothing about Sen. He’s the same in other areas of life and often gives us unsolicited advice but it doesn’t hit a nerve as much as this does. I’ve learnt to let most of it go over my head but i think he is crossing a line with the comments about DS and school.

He’s a knob.
I’d go low contact with him. You don’t need people like that in your life. I find with family members such as these that the less they know about your life, the better.
You and DH are doing what you know to be best for your son and that is all that truly matters. x

we have gone as low contact as possible, but it’s difficult to avoid them at the moment. Thankyou for your reply x

"Just get the school to get him a one to one to follow him round" - goodness me, if only the school had thought of this!

He's an utter knob who has zero idea about your son, his needs, how schools, budgets, SEN works. I'd be spending as little time as possible with the twat.

"Just get him a one to one" means he is under the impression that all sen children get a full time TA. It doesn't sound rude as such or unsympathetic, he just doesn't know how it works in mainstream schools for SEN kids.

BIL sounds like a knob and I would limit time spent with them, but I don’t think he’s a cheeky fucker. What does he do that’s cheeky?

I'm not saying he is entitled to a one to one, but wouldn't additional support at school be better than calling on you all of the time? I mean I don't know your work situation etc, but some work places wouldn't be understanding of you leaving this often to be at the school. That's maybe the angle he was coming from. As in if he had a one to one a lot of these problems wouldn't get as far as you. I dont think he has been rude, maybe just a lack of understanding which is how a lot of people would be unless they were in the situation and understood more.

You obviously have to work with the school but if you're constantly being called in to talk about your DS' behaviour then I have some sympathy with what your BIL is saying. However, he is obviously a 'know all' and probably annoys a.lot of people. Like @LemonLimeDivine says, keep information to to a minimum because they're not supportive.

I'm a mum with two kids with SEN/ALN. You've got enough to deal with. Good luck.

I can forgive anyone for not really understanding the needs of a SEN child, especially as they can vary immensely, plus nobody really knows what it's like navigating the school system as a SEN parent if they haven't tried to do it (that includes me - I can empathise but haven't actually been there myself!).
I cannot really forgive someone who makes no real attempt to understand a SEN child's needs or to accept that SEN parents will have to make decisions that other parents just don't/won't face.
Your BIL sounds like the second option. Going forward I'd be inclined to have a 'stock' answer, something like: 'we've already explained that X has SEN, and in order for X to settle and do well at school we need to be much more involved than the 'average' parent would be.'
Good luck.

He's rude and has no idea about how an ehcp works and the costs for a TA..but I also don't think he is entirely wrong in what he is saying.

My son has massive mental health issues and extremely high anxiety and frequently fell apart in school.

I would agree to go in to console for the first week, but after that he needed to know Mum couldn't come running every time and he needed to use his calming techniques to help himself. It did work and by the second half of year 7 was fine and has been fantastic in yr8 with just a bit of a shaky start.

Much sympathy.

And, as a veteran parent of a child who eventually did get 'a one-to-one to follow him around', can I add that he's not altogether wrong?

There may come a point when you and the school need to be able to demonstrate that your son's needs are not being met, and not able to be met, without extra help and extra funding. If you are always ready to be there, the need is harder to demonstrate.

(Muggins here accommodatingly collected her child every lunchtime, toddler sibling in tow, as 'it wouldn't be fair on the supervisors', until someone pointed out that that was actually an illegal exclusion.)

I'm not surprised he has the 'I'm an expert' attitude with other things. I've met far too many dick-swinging men who swoop in and say, 'FFS just do this one thing and it'll be problem solved'. Gosh BIL, it's almost like I never thought of that/maybe you should pitch your services as a consultant since you're such an expert on... everything.

The arrogance of him.

NT parents of NT kids have no clue how life is for us and should keep their opinions to themselves.

This.

His attitude might be off and he clearly doesn't know how long these things take, but he's not exactly wrong is he? Sounds like your son really does need a 1-2-1 and the school is currently using the much cheaper option of calling you. Have the school started the ehcp process? What would they do if you did refuse to come in?

You sound lovely OP, well done for working with the school for the benefit of your son. Some parents would literally be like your brother in law and tell the school to F off. It’s not as simple as getting them a 1-1 and all the problems will be solved. It’s unlikely he will get a 1-1 unless his needs are severe. SEN in schools is in crisis.

If you have to spend time with someone like that, I find it reduces my stress to match how I speak to how they speak.
So if they say something that’s betrays a ridiculously poor and simplistic understanding of a complex issue, I just reply very vaguely E.g. “yeah you’d think so” or something similar then talk about something else.
Dont waste your mental energy explaining things to people like this.

That. And I'm a lifelong SEN teacher.

Of course he doesn't understand the issues. No-one does until or unless they have such a child themselves. And you say, quite reasonably, that you don't give him chapter and verse when it comes to the issues you and your son have, so how is he to understand?

He probably is a bit of a know it all, but I wouldn't say that that makes him a CFer in this case. And yes, he's right that this isn't working and your son probably does need a one to one. The only thing he doesn't understand, is that it's not that simple. But he's with 99% of the population in not knowing that.

I've worked with sen children and adults. They get allocated extra funding for support. The school shouldn't be relying on you alot. The odd meeting or phome call is fine but not once a week. The school should be using your child's funding for a TA. It's common ti combine the support for 2/3 children and have them in the same class with the TA. Ask your school if they can support you better.

Stop telling them anything. They don't need to know that your son has difficulties or how often you are being called in.

When they as how things are say "all good thanks. Ooh have you seen that new documentary on Netflix?" Or "much better thanks. Shall we order pizza or chinese for dinner?"

He isn't wrong though your child needs extra support in school, to both identify and ward off triggers and support him emotionally.

Yes it's not simple to get a 1 to 1 , so the sooner your request it the better.

And I say this as a parent to a SEN child who was called to school frequently in reception and year one when his 1 to 1 started.

Hi, it isn’t as simple as that getting a 1 to 1. You must live in a fantastic local authority. You are lucky to get an Ehcp where I live and after much battling I finally got one for my DS. The funding is nowhere near enough to cover a 1 to 1, just about a TA between 4 children with Sen. I asked when we first started the process of getting the ehcp and was told in no uncertain terms that 1 to 1s are only given to those with the highest needs.

I have tried to explain this to BIL and SIL but they aren’t really interested in hearing it. They mainly just want to tell us that we’re handling it wrong.

thanks for all the understanding replies

This!!
Telling stuff to people like your BIL opens the window for them to comment on sensitive issues with their know-all approach.

Have some diversionary tactics up your sleeve for subjects that you don't want to go into.

or if that's not working just come right out with it next time and tell BIL you wish he would stop questioning you just so he can find something to tell you that you are doing it wrong. You don't have to justify your actions because he's making off the cuff, unresearched suggestions. But maybe he's just trying,
to help "fix" things.

It may feel like that is a rude thing to say to him, but he either doesn't care or maybe notice how rude he's being to you. He may think he's just being helpful and cutting to the chase. If he doesn't notice, being honest and telling him to back off a bit might make him think twice and you may get on better in the end.

You will probably find that you may have to repeat it several times before he gets the message. He will be incredulous too that his superior advice is not taken as gospel.

BIL sounds clueless. Agree with pp's who say limit what you tell him. If your sons needs are emotional rather than learning issues, what strategies are they implementing when he's overwhelmed? Do they know what triggers him & is there an agreed written plan in place, with your agreement to it? You can't keep rushing over, they should be proactively managing his needs. As an ex teacher I had strategies for the children who had emotional struggles. Two I specifically remember: One needed to come sit by me with their work for half an hour, for just the reassurance of a close adult presence before they'd calm down. The other needed a 10min calm down, alone, with a reading book in the library next door ,which I could monitor thru the window between rooms. All children with emotional struggles need different approaches.

Don’t tell your BIL stuff. You’re wasting your time. Talk about other things when you’re with him.

I agree with others, stop telling BIL things.

However, the EHCP isn’t currently meeting DS’s needs. You should request an early review of DS’s EHCP. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. When you next have the right of appeal, you can and should appeal if the LA won’t amend to include the provision required. 1:1s are possible whatever LA you live in, ultimately it isn’t the LA making the decision, it is SENDIST.

If you secure 1:1 detailed, specified and quantified in F, via appeal if necessary, then it must be provided regardless of funding (EHCPs can be fully funded, but LAs won’t do that unless forced) and can be enforced.

Of course LAs and some schools tell parents 1:1 is rare. They don’t want to have to spend money and be tied to providing specific provision.

If the school is informally excluding DS when they call you, you must put a stop to their unlawful behaviour.