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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting re our first year together?

28 replies

LucyLoo55 · 06/11/2023 06:29

Go easy on me, I’m 19 and my first relationship.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year in a few days. Leading up to it I’ve remembered all the cute dates we went on each day, and I loved them. For example “aww you took me to the fireworks a year ago today”. He would just say “aw yeah”.

He has barely said anything and I brought this up. We got into an argument, him basically saying “it’s not even been yet, your anniversary is a fucking month long”. He says he doesn’t think the same as me and that I should accept it; that we’re both different.

I just thought he’d feel more sentimental. Bearing in mind he jokily added “one year anniversary” onto his phone calendar quite early on into the relationship, saying “I know we’ll get there” Just a joke but he obviously used to think like this but now he doesnt??

he also barely uses social media but there has been a few times he’s posted a picture of us at the time, now if he does upload anything it’ll take him months and he doesn’t understand why I care so much?

sorry I know this is all trivial and stupid and a non-issue I just wondered if this is anything I should be worried about or if I am in the wrong.

thanks you

OP posts:

MinnieMountain · 06/11/2023 06:34

It sounds like you’re just different. How much that matters is your choice.

DH and I got together at 19 and I had to suggest an anniversary meal, but then he understood that things like that are important to me and made an effort.

Wwwnothingdotcom · 06/11/2023 06:35

I don't think you match up in the "cutsie trips down memory lane" thing for weeks... I wouldn't match with you either if I am honest.
Everyone is different, if you need someone do what you do, that's fine, but it will not be him. You need to find someone on same wavelength.
I get your excitement since it's your first relationship but it is bit ott for many people.

Also if he is not into DM, he is not ino DM. No need to upload stuff if one doesn't want to. Uploading something quickly is not a declaration of love

PersephonePomegranate23 · 06/11/2023 06:40

You're more sentimental then he is. As PPs heave pointed out, it's just a personality difference. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care though.

Do you think you can live with this difference? Is your relationship otherwise good and are you happy?

Spoiler alert - I don't think you'll find many young men who are as sentimental as you are, but whether this is a deal breaker for you in a relationship, only you can decide.

Seagrassbasket · 06/11/2023 06:41

If he treats you well in other ways then I’d say you are just different. I think all that would be a bit much for me tbh. Is he the same age as you?

parietal · 06/11/2023 06:44

Don't argue or break your relationship over something as silly as this. Fussing about anniversaries and social media is unhelpful. Think about deeper ways to communicate and connect.

LittleMooli · 06/11/2023 06:45

Did he commemorate the actual anniversary in anyway? Given how he should know its importance to you.

Sparklfairy · 06/11/2023 06:49

It's all very well posters wading in and saying 'yeah I'd be the same as your BF' but it's not really relevant.

The point is you obviously feel something has changed compared to the beginning of the relationship, that he doesn't make as much of an effort.

After only a year, you should still be in the honeymoon period, but no one here can tell you if his feelings have changed or if he made you feel special at the beginning to suck you in, and now feels comfortable enough not to bother.

Mothership4two · 06/11/2023 06:51

I can understand that continually mentioning an anniversary before it has actually happened might start to grate. Maybe OP he has something planned and feels you are diminishing the surprise? Or maybe he feels you bringing it up a lot is your way of reminding him not to forget it and get you a gift.

I also don't understand your issue with his SM use or why you care either.

DH and I met at 19 and I have no idea when our "anniversary" is and certainly never celebrated it. But we don't usually celebrate our actual (wedding) anniversary either. We went out to see a film this year as it was our silver wedding anniversary and we thought we should do something but no cards/gifts.

JaninaDuszejko · 06/11/2023 06:51

I don't know. At 19 and just a year in it should feel special still. But maybe he has something big planned for the actually day itself and feels like you're diminishing that somehow.

But basically you're 19 and if this feels like a big deal to you it is so go with your gut. Maybe in another relationship when you're older it won't bother you. It's all fine. You're young and have no commitments, don't feel like you have to compromise yet if you don't want to.

MrsMcvities · 06/11/2023 07:16

I’ve been with my now husband for 13 years (since I was 16) and we have never once celebrated an anniversary or anything.. it’s just a personality thing. Doesn’t mean it won’t work out for you, you just need to accept he isn’t going to be SO sentimental. Also you’ll find that generally (not always) the people who post on social media the most about their relationship are actually the more unstable couples because they’re trying to prove to the world that their happy when actually… they’re not.. so def don’t sweat about social media it’s just an added pressure that means nothing

pacificoceanwhale · 06/11/2023 07:18

As per other posts - it sounds like you are simply different. These things are typically a lot more important for women than men, especially at your age. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care any less.
I was young when I first got with DH and he was hopeless! Luckily for me, his mum and sister used to give him a nudge. They knew he needed a nudge as he never made any effort for them either. He simply isn't a materialistic person and doesn't like any sort of fuss for himself, so it didn't occur to him to make a fuss of me/others.
Over time he got better and really makes the effort nowadays.
Hang in there!

Rjahdhdvd · 06/11/2023 07:19

I don’t think it’s really an issue; my DH is like this. He has to think hard to know how long we’ve been married and he was always like it. For my DH it doesn’t mean anything. I’d expect him to mark your actual anniversary but not beyond that

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/11/2023 07:24

Realistically, this is your first serious boyfriend not your last. Have a think about what you really want from a partner. The whole point of seeing people at that age is to see what suits you. For example, some of your friends might have boyfriends who treat them very well and you might realise that's actually what you want.

Foxontherun · 06/11/2023 07:28

From his reaction, have you going on about it a bit?

There's nothing the matter with reminiscing but don't overdo it. Life is for the here and now at your point in the relationship.

Aria2015 · 06/11/2023 07:28

He probably is less sentimental than you, but that doesn't mean he cares less. I think the only thing that matters when it comes to events (and I mean the day itself) like anniversaries and birthdays etc... is that you both understand what the others expectations of the day is and try and meet that expectation. For example, my dh knows I like to celebrate Valentine's Day so will always get me a rose and a card on the day. He might not be fussed about it, but he knows I am so he makes the effort. It's easy to do and it avoids disappointment.

Sounds like your bf is not against celebrating a year together, he's just not as enthused or excited about it as you are and is waiting for the day itself. But, that doesn't mean he's not excited and enthused about YOU. You just have different approaches and feelings about a certain event. Don't over think it, or turn it into something big.

Newnamehiwhodis · 06/11/2023 07:35

It doesn’t matter if he’s not as sentimental as you are; the red flag here is his belittling of your feelings “your fucking anniversary is a month long” or whatever the hell he said.

that's not okay.

trust your gut. Stop trying to read him, as If how he feels matters more than how you feel. It doesn’t. If you aren’t happy, face it.

I wish I had learned this lesson at your age, and not tried so hard. I stayed, hoping men would treat me better; I examined their every word and action.
it is NOT worth it.

focus on yourself and your own growth and well-being. This guy isn’t putting you first - why would you put him first?

SallyWD · 06/11/2023 07:39

He's right, you're just different and that's fine. I might remember the odd thing but I wouldn't send weeks going over each thing that happened a year ago. I also never post relationship stuff on SM. That makes me cringe. I tell him how I feel a out him, not the world.

JellyPopz · 06/11/2023 07:39

Please remember, you never have to settle in a relationship. Don't reduce your standards for a partner.

Dear Woman,
Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.

Goodreads

https://www.goodreads.com/user/new?remember=true

gannett · 06/11/2023 07:42

I think a better indication of how much a partner really cares about you is how they make you feel on a day-to-day basis, not how sentimental they get about anniversaries, and definitely not how they act on social media.

Does he make you feel special and cared for generally? That should be a basic expectation of a relationship. Not necessarily bells and whistles but a reliable feeling that he cares about you. If that changes, that's what you need to pay attention to.

Anniversaries - people are different, some care more than others. I think if the general feeling of being cared for is there, demonstrating it on one or two days per year stops mattering as much.

Social media isn't an indication of anything at all.

Ollifer · 06/11/2023 07:45

I'll give you some advice as someone in their 30s. Delete social media, it doesn't do you any good, especially relationship wise. It causes so much shit, it's addictive and a lot of the stuff posted on there is total shite.

ToadOnTheHill · 06/11/2023 07:53

I think you'll get different opinions from middle aged mumsnet than from your actual friends of a similar age who know you both.

objectively, he doesnt want to talk about it like you do amd that's actually fine. I suspect you know this but pushed it as a conversation/issue to be resolved anyway and he got annoyed and flounced. Your way is not the only way.

What's the underlying issue? Are you wanting to see more commitment? Attention? Him woo-ing you all over again?

I say this in the nicest way, you cant and shouldn't make him act like the dream man. He is a person in his own right. And not many men are romantic. If romance is what you want, you need to dump him and move on, not give him endless prompts and have endless conversations about it. It's a passion killer .

AmazingSnakeHead · 06/11/2023 08:18

You don't measure love by how many times someone has posted on social media, so I'd definitely stop on at him for that. I think he's right. It's fine that you want to bring these things up and it sounds like he reacts well when you do. But you do seem to want him to be in anniversary mode for a whole month! I am not one to reminisce so I wouldn't be doing this either.

CesareBorgia · 06/11/2023 08:23

He might feel differently but I think if he cared about you, he'd go along with this a bit more - perhaps tease you about it in an affectionate way rather than making the 'fucking anniversary' comment.

yellowsmileyface · 06/11/2023 08:36

You're not in the wrong for being so sentimental, nor is he in the wrong for not.

I can understand how, this being your first relationship and first ever one year anniversary, it feels like a really exciting and special event for you. It's a shame you're not really being able to share that excitement with him. He says that you should accept he doesn't think the same as you, but then maybe he should accept the way you are, and that that includes getting excited and sentimental about things? The onus shouldn't be on you to accept him. You should both accept each other.

Do you otherwise feel happy, safe, respected, and listened to within the relationship?

See how the actual anniversary day goes. Perhaps he'll show more enthusiasm then.

Lastly, please don't get too wrapped up in over-analysing a person's SM activity. That bloody thing is a thorn in society's side. SM isn't real life, and it's no indication of how a person feels.

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 06/11/2023 08:37

Why do you care so much about social media? Isn't that just more for show rather than what's going on behind closed doors?

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