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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend in denial about Sen child?

11 replies

Haveahollyjolly · 06/11/2023 00:23

I’ll start this by saying my daughter is on the spectrum, she is 5, wonderful, a handful but perfect and exactly who she is meant to be. We’ve always been very open about our day to day struggles with our daughter and her needs, to our loved ones. Our friends are very aware of our day to day life and are great with our DD. Very patient and inclusive and always chat lots to us about her. As well as making a big effort to include her, they are wonderful friends.

Our lovely friends in question have two daughters, the youngest is 4. She is showing signs of Asd. It’s been obvious for me for some time but I’ve never broached the subject as it’s not my place. I’ve always been ready to listen should they need to chat. We recently went on a weekend away with the family and the DD (4) had some big meltdowns, struggling with her emotions. I’m not an expert of course but her emotional outbursts were very similar to my daughters, I have two sons too who are neurotypical and the difference between tantrum and meltdown is quite stark.
Friends husband spoke privately to my husband and mentioned that their DD’s school had expressed concerns about their DD’s behaviour and suggested asd. I think a referral to speech therapy was in place to get the ball rolling. His wife, my very good friend who I see regularly has not mentioned this to me at all and has never bought up a conversation relating to her DD’s meltdowns. Despite us witnessing them. I’m confused as to why she doesn’t feel like she can talk to me about it. Is it that she’s not ready to accept it could be ASD?

Im not sure what I’m looking for here really. I would never give out unsolicited advice to them (having received plenty ourselves from family in the early days of DD’s referral to Children’s assessment centre). I’m not going to broach the subject unless I feel she’s ready to talk about it. I just want to be able to support her, knowing how confusing and difficult it can be when the school first makes contact about a concern.

OP posts:
LoreleiG · 06/11/2023 00:28

I think she will talk to you about it when she is ready. She might just not be able to process it quite yet. It sounds like a lot to take on board.

Kitkat1523 · 06/11/2023 00:30

you said it yourself…you are not an expert….and, it is not your place to advise…. Unless broached by this person you would be very wise to say nothing at all….nothing to do with you

MintJulia · 06/11/2023 00:46

Your approach has been to discuss the issue openly. Hers may be the opposite. That doesn't mean she is wrong, just different.

You are right to say nothing unless she chooses to start the conversation.

SM4713 · 06/11/2023 00:56

It may not be denial at all! Maybe she is waiting for an actual diagnosis, rather than talking about what ifs and potential outcomes when it might be a different condition? You are very open about it, she may not want to be! Its all new for her! Don't mention it unless she asks for help/advice/support.

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2023 01:03

It's scary having someone else (the school) say that your dc may be ND. I knew my 1st dc was ND but is still sobbed when I got the diagnosis as weird secret part of me hoped he wasn't. When dc 2 arrived I refused speech therapy for 6 months as I was sure his speech would come and he was NT. It didn't and took a super kind HV to persuade me to let her refer dc phrasing it that better for early intervention even if it is was nothing.
I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't tell anyone.
It took me quite a while to be able to talk about it and process it. Your friend may be in the same place

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2023 01:22

Kitkat1523 · 06/11/2023 00:30

you said it yourself…you are not an expert….and, it is not your place to advise…. Unless broached by this person you would be very wise to say nothing at all….nothing to do with you

Op has already clarified she's not giving advice, she just wants to do right by her friend. However it's a sad world when your best friend struggling is considered nothing to do with you. Do you really not care how your friends are doing? Do you honestly pay no attention or give no thought to the stuff they go through?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/11/2023 01:25

Op the best thing is to keep doing what you're doing.

Keep being a positive advocate for your daughter. At a scary time it will show your friend there is a way forward.

Keep including them and doing stuff as a group at a time when others may start to pull away because of her DDs meltdowns.
Keep being open about the difficulties as well as the successes so she knows she can do the same if she wants to.
Keep making time for her and checking in with her just as she hopefully does for you.

TheGoogleMum · 06/11/2023 01:41

I sometimes wonder if DD could be neurodiverse, I don't tend to mention it though because I'm aware people tend to over self diagnose and I could be wrong. If I am it feels like minimising their struggle if DD turned out to be neurotypical.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/11/2023 02:07

There are lots of things it could be so yabu to jump to ASD.

Haveahollyjolly · 06/11/2023 05:47

Not me jumping to ASD, the school.

OP posts:
Emma8924 · 06/02/2024 15:30

If she’s having speech therapy it’s an indication that her speech may not be what it should be for her age explaining meltdowns ie getting frustrated because she can’t verbalise properly.

if she wanted to discuss it with you she would. She hasn’t mentioned it so why prod the issue esp as you’re not an expert. just because your daughter is ND doesn’t mean hers is. leave them be.

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