To be really annoyed with my teen?

[whyohwhyffs]

I was away this weekend. 17 year old DD was staying at home with a few friends stopping over to keep her company. She told me she was inviting 3 friends (girls). I said I was fine with this and OK for them to drink alcohol so long as they tidied up afterwards. My conditions were: no boys to stay over, no one in my bedroom at all (friends were to sleep in DD's bed and the spare bedroom only - plenty of room to comfortably accommodate all 4 in those rooms), and to not leave any mess.

I came home to a couple half empty beer bottles in the living room behind my toddler's toy box (good job I spotted them before toddler did!), a broken toy belonging to my toddler (cost £70 so not cheap - basically looks like it's been sat on / fallen into and it's in several pieces), and evidence of my bed having been slept in as things have been unplugged next to my bed that I know for certain I left plugged in (presumably for someone to charge their phone?), and the tap in my ensuite which was 100% fully turned off before I left yesterday morning was partly turned on and running, with a dark hair in the sink (I'm blonde). In addition to the beer bottles left in the living room, a bag next to the wheelie bin outside also contains several empty beer bottles (my daughter and her female friends do not drink beer).

I asked my daughter what they'd been drinking before I told her what I'd found - she said vodka and alcopops. I asked her who'd been drinking beer then?? She then told me "the lads" they invited. Annoyed and pointing out this was against my rule, I then pressed her further and she admitted the lads had also stayed over with the 4 girls. And there's evidence of someone having slept in my bed too, which feels really intrusive as I have no idea if this was a random teenage boy (my underwear etc was in a pile in my bedroom hence why I said no one to go in there).

On top of that all 6 teenagers are denying knowledge of the broken toy. The girls at least apologised to me for that but maintained they knew nothing about it - but the lads were less forthcoming and one of them was actually quite rude to me about it when I messaged him.

AIBU to be really upset and angry with my daughter? I'm not an overly strict mum at all, I give her a fair bit of freedom and trust. But I feel like she's just thrown that right back in my face. So disappointed.

You made a mistake and overestimated her maturity. She is still 17, and it is far from abnormal to test boundaries and make some poor choices.
She is still your child to manage, let her know she has disappointed you, and that you will be reconsidering things like sleepovers until her actions are more reliable and mature.
But you must draw a line under it, she isn't your friend, this is a normal teenage thing to do.

At least it was only a small group and not a massive house party. It's not the worst thing that could have happened. I'd want the toy to be replaced and to make sure she has access to contraception/the map. Then not leave her again for a while.

@Pinkpinkplonk @TomatoSandwiches
Thank you both - some good advice there

Feel your pain op. Same age Dd who is also sensible and lovely usually we agreed to hosting a party which was very nice of us. Never again. They are absolute wankers at that age once they’ve had a few drinks. No thought or care for your house. It’s quite depressing really. I lost my temper the next day when the scale of the damage uncovered and Dd ended up in tears.

I have younger teens, so no experience of this... However this is pretty much what I did at that age, and many of my friends. Including the sleeping in parents rooms. And I was a pretty well behaved teen - or at least as far as my parents knew!!

So I wouldn't be rethinking your relationship - although of course you have a right to feel annoyed and not trust her home alone.

(We'd have make more effort to hide the beer though!)

I dread mine behaving like I did!!

We all moved in from it after I had had my rant. It wasn’t actually dds fault she just massively over estimated her friendship group.

Find myself annoyed with the boys parents. Boys never actually host parties themselves yet they are the ones that do the damage. Great big lummocks.

It wasn't the beer per se that annoyed me, I gave her permission to drink with her (female only!) friends at home. It was firstly the fact I knew none of those girls drink beer and so it had to have been lads, and secondly that some bottles were left where her toddler sister plays! She'd have known her sister could have picked one of those up. Ok, not deliberate I'm certain. But by breaking my rule about boys in the house, that's been the outcome, the potential risk to my other child.

Our son did something similar. Unfortunately far more people turned up than he anticipated, he naively believed he could manage anything. A neighbour phoned and told us there had been something going on in our home. I was furious as he’d been told no parties. By the time we returned he had cleaned and tidied, apologised to the neighbours for any noise disturbance. Hugely apologetic to us he said never again. Too right! All well and good but it took a couple of years before we truly trusted him again. Now we would trust him with anything. Trust with your daughter will come back, give it time. She’s young and managing other peoples behaviour has been out of her experience. She’ll do better in future.

Yes, you were very naïve but also unreasonable to expect any explanation from the friends. Your daughter invited the lads over so as far as they are concerned, they did nothing wrong. Your daughter, as the one hosting the party, should have made sure the house was clean the day after.

I would definitely not be trusting her for a while after this

You left your 17yo at home and gave permission for 3 friends to stay over? I mean, that’s basically the go ahead for a party in a 17yo’s mind. What did you think would happen?! I mean, it’s disappointing yet so predictable.

Just to add, teens’ brains don’t work the same way as adults’ - their prefrontal cortex that deals with risk management and understanding of consequences of decisions isn’t fully developed until 25. This is why an empty house is too tempting for almost any teenager, however sensible normally.

She didn’t betray your trust in the same way an adult would have - she will have assumed you wouldn’t ever find out, and hence gave zero thought to how upset you might be if you did. She’s probably feeling quite shocked and guilty that you are hurt by it. Your job now is to help her navigate this lesson firmly without taking it too personally.

On the bright side she’s learned a very useful lesson from this, and no one makes this exact mistake twice! You got off quite lightly...

I mean, I know this isn't overly helpful but I really don't think it's that bad. It's normal teenage behaviour and your daughter will have just seen it as a great opportunity for a get together with her mates. She may have even succumbed to a bit of peer pressure once the guys/girls knew she had a 'free house' and so it might not have really been her intention to defy you. Yes, I'd be pissed off but I don't think it's anything you need to let affect your relationship. These things happen and it's a learning curve for both of you. She's let you down and been a bit irresponsible but nothing really bad happened, and a toy can be replaced. It will be something you laugh about when she's older, so try not to be too sad about it now. It could have been much worse! I once went to a party when I was around a similar age that got completely out of hand because the girl who threw it naively thought she could manage a house party. Everyone heard about it and way too many people turned up unexpectedly. There was so much damage caused by dodgy randoms that the family had to move out of the house whilst they renovated 😬 It was even in the local paper!

It is normal teenage behaviour but I personally would not be willing to give the go ahead to someone else’s child underage drinking in my home. I don’t think it is worth the risk.