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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU should I

18 replies

lookingforadvicehere · 05/11/2023 22:28

edit - sorry my subject didn’t save - should I have put my foot down with my partner?

Hi everyone,
im just looking for some advice here..
me and my partner seem to keep going through rough patches and i don’t know what to do.

the latest one (today, all weekend I needed to go shopping for my sisters birthday gift and yesterday he let me down as he said he wasn’t in the mood and took the car with the baby seat in to his families house. He said we can go today so I got us ready while he was at the gym. He was going to come back so we could go as a family (we have a 10 month old). He ended up being an hour late and by this time my LO was napping in her cot and he got himself ready and said he is now going alone as he needs gym stuff and I should get up early and take LO shopping with me before meeting my sister tomorrow. I was upset and literally once his shoes & coat were on and he was at the door he then said he will stay at home while I go. I felt he was just offering so he could say he offered so I said don’t worry and off he went.

we needed food shopping and he then said he has what he needs but if I send him a list and transfer money he will get it. FYI he normally pays for food shopping as I’m on mat leave and don’t get any income until I go back in December. I said to him we only need a few bits so do I need to send it to him as he usually pays? FYI he is very well off. he said anything for our child he will cover but he has his own food sorted so it’s just mine I need to pay for but I don’t have much money atm as I have just got a sleep coach for baby at his request and I have paid.

He then sent me lots of messages saying I chose to stay in and stop blaming him and he wanted to get his families gifts (lots of birthdays in December) and I should just get her a voucher at the supermarket so she can buy herself the gift she wanted and asked for.
he comes home at 8pm with no food shopping as I didn’t send the money and said he went for dinner with his friends but I could find myself something in the freezer. Didn’t seem to be being petty but it obviously upset me as we don’t really rely on frozen food so there’s not much in there that could make a meal especially at this time.

hes made me feel I have really been childish by “choosing” to stay at home and has not spoken to me for the rest of the evening and is sleeping in spare room.
He has said I choose to wreck my weekend myself and he has done nothing wrong but I feel like he just doesn’t care for my feeling since we have had the little one. I was worried if I told him to stay at home he would have been annoyed and carried that on for the evening.
please be honest as you can as I feel our communication is weak at the mo but my brain is so clouded from wanting to avoid more argument. Thank you x

YABU - should have told him to stay at home
YANBU - he should have stuck to our plans as he knew I needed to go this weekend

OP posts:
TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 05/11/2023 22:36

It all sounds a bit complicated. But he's a prick. Can you not go shopping either alone or with LO, without him?

IamSmarticus · 05/11/2023 22:38

He's an arsehole. He wouldn't buy you any food because you didn't trf him any money - WTF?? I would have told him to fuck off and not bother to come back.

Why on earth are you with him, he is abusive ijn more ways than one.

LIZS · 05/11/2023 22:46

He sounds very self centred. It is all about his needs, his food, his gym time. Do you live together as a family because it does not sound as if you function as one.

Original poster
lookingforadvicehere · 05/11/2023 22:53

Yes we do all live together. There are lots of times when we feel like a family but lately these type of things keep happening and I keep thinking I am doing so much more for him than he is for me. He used to be the best partner and was always there for me emotionally and we spent a lot of time together but since starting a family I feel like I’m there to serve him and make his life easier. Everyone keeps telling me that relationships change after a baby but this feels so extreme 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
lookingforadvicehere · 05/11/2023 22:55

I wanted to but he kept saying he wanted to go so could we all go on the weekend together. He then took the car with the baby seat to the gym. Maybe I should just stick to making my own plans but I keep trying to get us to all have more time together away from just caring for a baby and household stuff. I dont know it feels like all my decisions are wrong

OP posts:
Gremlins101 · 05/11/2023 23:07

I don't like that he will buy stuff for the baby and himself, but won't buy your food. That's very petty, and not a partnership.

Did you not go out because of the inevitable sulking that would ensue? That's a bad road that I have been down with my ex, and would never go down again.

Not sure how to help but you need to ignore the sulking, tell him straight what is acceptable or not,and let him sink or swim.

HerMammy · 05/11/2023 23:26

I think there's bigger issues than going shopping. He expects you to transfer £ to buy food for you?
Another man who ramps up
his shitty behaviour once a baby come along and his wife is on a reduced income.

CBAanymoreTBH · 05/11/2023 23:29

Financial abuse. Leave him or go to work & pay half childcare each or better proportionate amounts depending on income. In fact just leave. The guys a prick & kids get more expensive the older they get. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Froooty · 06/11/2023 03:59

This wanker is not your partner at all, he's your baby's sperm donor.

It's shitty, shitty behaviour to treat a partner like he treats you, and worse, you're his child's mother and he's still treating you like this.

You deserve better.

Kingoftheroad · 06/11/2023 04:23

He’s abusing you mentally, emotionally and financially.

GET OUT NOW end of. He won’t get any better. If he can’t provide and protect you both now he never will

RedCoffeeCup · 06/11/2023 04:28

He sounds awful OP. Really selfish and inconsiderate.

LinkyDooda · 06/11/2023 10:26

Doesn't sound very pleasant at all

Movinghouseatlast · 06/11/2023 10:32

This is abuse. You need to start planning to get away from him.

The worst part of this is him telling you to feed yourself separately to him. That is just shocking, it's not normal.

Fionaville · 06/11/2023 10:40

I can't vote because he should never have acted like an arsehole and you should have been stronger and stuck to your plans.
He's sounds like an absolute shit! What's with the money and not paying for your food?! You've given birth to his child and he expects you to transfer money for him to buy food shopping?
You need to be stronger OP and actually use your voice. Otherwise that man is going to give you a dogs life.

Icepinkeskimo · 06/11/2023 10:41

The selfishness of this man is unbelievable. His food, his schedule, his life. There are no benefits to being with someone who is so utterly self obsessed, and narcissistic.
Take your life back, it sounds like he is controlling everything.

Olika · 06/11/2023 10:49

WTF is this. You need to find your voice and tell him to choose if he wants to be single or with family. It is absolutely unacceptable for him not to get you food and cancel your plans because he is just thinking of himself.

AllrightNowBaby · 06/11/2023 10:50

I don’t know where to start with this as he is being so horrible with you.
Who asks their partner to transfer money for a bit of shopping?

And, what’s all this, “I’ve sorted my food out”?
While you are not earning as you’re looking after both of your’s child, he goes to the gym, then goes shopping on his own for his gym stuff and to round it all off, goes for a meal with a “friend” and leaves you without the shopping.
I’m actually astonished…..
He is treating you with massive disrespect and not at all like a person he is supposed to love.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that this “man” does not love you.
Do you think he has met someone else and has been meeting them, when he went out shopping alone and went for a meal with “them”.
Something is definitely off and you need to find out what it is and also tell him, he can look after the baby for half the weekend in future, while you go out with your friends.

Arsehole! I’m bloody speechless!

Kittenkitty · 06/11/2023 11:37

lookingforadvicehere · 05/11/2023 22:28

edit - sorry my subject didn’t save - should I have put my foot down with my partner?

Hi everyone,
im just looking for some advice here..
me and my partner seem to keep going through rough patches and i don’t know what to do.

the latest one (today, all weekend I needed to go shopping for my sisters birthday gift and yesterday he let me down as he said he wasn’t in the mood and took the car with the baby seat in to his families house. He said we can go today so I got us ready while he was at the gym. He was going to come back so we could go as a family (we have a 10 month old). He ended up being an hour late and by this time my LO was napping in her cot and he got himself ready and said he is now going alone as he needs gym stuff and I should get up early and take LO shopping with me before meeting my sister tomorrow. I was upset and literally once his shoes & coat were on and he was at the door he then said he will stay at home while I go. I felt he was just offering so he could say he offered so I said don’t worry and off he went.

we needed food shopping and he then said he has what he needs but if I send him a list and transfer money he will get it. FYI he normally pays for food shopping as I’m on mat leave and don’t get any income until I go back in December. I said to him we only need a few bits so do I need to send it to him as he usually pays? FYI he is very well off. he said anything for our child he will cover but he has his own food sorted so it’s just mine I need to pay for but I don’t have much money atm as I have just got a sleep coach for baby at his request and I have paid.

He then sent me lots of messages saying I chose to stay in and stop blaming him and he wanted to get his families gifts (lots of birthdays in December) and I should just get her a voucher at the supermarket so she can buy herself the gift she wanted and asked for.
he comes home at 8pm with no food shopping as I didn’t send the money and said he went for dinner with his friends but I could find myself something in the freezer. Didn’t seem to be being petty but it obviously upset me as we don’t really rely on frozen food so there’s not much in there that could make a meal especially at this time.

hes made me feel I have really been childish by “choosing” to stay at home and has not spoken to me for the rest of the evening and is sleeping in spare room.
He has said I choose to wreck my weekend myself and he has done nothing wrong but I feel like he just doesn’t care for my feeling since we have had the little one. I was worried if I told him to stay at home he would have been annoyed and carried that on for the evening.
please be honest as you can as I feel our communication is weak at the mo but my brain is so clouded from wanting to avoid more argument. Thank you x

YABU - should have told him to stay at home
YANBU - he should have stuck to our plans as he knew I needed to go this weekend

YABU and YANBU
he should have stuck to your plans and you should have told him to stay in.
but he sounds horrible. I bet you’ve changed since having the baby because you now have to devote care and attention to a human being that’s not him. Doesn’t sound like he’s had to change at all, still thinking about himself only.

It does sound like financial abuse, making you pay for a sleep coach rather than help you himself with the baby. And he probably wants you to not be so tired so you can be a better stepford wife for him. And then making you transfer him money for some eggs and veg when he’s already eaten. He could have offered to pick you something up on the way home or got you takeout from the restaurant he ate at.

He really sounds horrible. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation.

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