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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me or...

63 replies

Asyouwere09 · 05/11/2023 15:52

I'll try and keep it short and I know questions of a similar nature have been asked on here countless times!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months or so. Initially it was great and admittedly we had alot of boozy dates and weekends etc. Then I found out I was pregnant. Naturally I stopped drinking but I think this enabled me to see his habits for what they were. A couple of times he'd been out drinking with a mate and I then found out (by his own admission) that he'd taken coke (turns out this is a semi-regular thing. On these occasions..first time I couldn't get hold of him the next day, second time he told me he was at work. Turns out he wasn't...he'd been at home all day on the couch. I was really angry that he'd lied to me.

I have since lost the baby and we've had a couple of arguments. One where he called me a B and sl** amongst other things.

This past weekend he was out after work (which I was more than happy about). He messaged me twice saying he was on his way home, even asked me if I wanted anything from the shops. Fast forward a few hrs later, he was nowhere to be seen. When I managed to get hold of him at 4am he told me he'd gone home because he couldn't face a hard time from me. Next day it transpires he hadn't gone home but stayed at a mates. Once again he's lied. AIBU thinking that this man has no respect for me? He also said he was quitting the coke...not because I asked him. He said he wanted to do it for himself but has of course gone back on that word. Otherwise a very lovely relationship. I just feel he changes when alcohol and drugs are involved. Thank you all and please do tell me if you think I'm being too much! :-)

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 05/11/2023 16:37

Just be grateful that you’re not stuck with this man and he has shown you who he is so early on. Get rid right now!

MrsJellybee · 05/11/2023 16:41

You need a new dictionary. This is not a lovely relationship in any way, shape or form.

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 16:41

MarmitePizza · 05/11/2023 16:25

Without wanting to sound harsh, I think you should think of it as fortunate that you lost the pregnancy. The last thing you want is to be tied to this arsehole for the rest of your life.

End the relationship, move onwards and upwards and don’t look back.

Gross.

Hippomumma · 05/11/2023 16:42

Run, don’t walk.

Jl2014 · 05/11/2023 16:43

It’s only 4 months. Cut your losses for goodness sake and move on. How can you think this is an acceptable relationship dynamic?

coveredindoghairs · 05/11/2023 16:46

He sounds awful. A many who lies to you and abuses drugs? No, he's not worth the heartache he'll inevitably bring into your life. I'd cut my losses and look for someone you can trust and respect.

NalafromtheLionKing · 05/11/2023 16:46

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 16:41

Gross.

Gross because it would have been better for OP to have kept the couple of weeks old foetus conceived in an extremely short term relationship with a Coke head who lies to her and calls her a slut?

KrisAkabusi · 05/11/2023 16:48

Other than saying "despite it all, it's a lovely relationship", you haven't said a single positive thing about him in your post. Get rid, find someone better.

funbags3 · 05/11/2023 16:50

Wow, what a catch.

FlamingoQueen · 05/11/2023 16:55

4 months! That’s nothing. I’m very sorry that you had a miscarriage, but I would take it as a sign that you don’t have to ever speak to this awful man again! Run and run as fast as you can.

Dinglewoop · 05/11/2023 16:55

Sorry about the baby. That must have been really tough. The drinking, drugs, lies, insults and making you the 'nagging partner' are all massive red flags for me. I imagine this is also him at his best as you're still in the honeymoon period. Sorry OP but I think you could do better and it might be time to move on.

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 16:58

NalafromtheLionKing · 05/11/2023 16:46

Gross because it would have been better for OP to have kept the couple of weeks old foetus conceived in an extremely short term relationship with a Coke head who lies to her and calls her a slut?

Edited

Gross because a miscarriage is never a “good” thing, nobody is lucky to lose their baby regardless of the circumstance. And this is not some sort of pro life rant; I’m very much pro choice, but a miscarriage is not comparable at all with an abortion.

What would be best is if the decision wasn’t taken out OPs hands, and she was free to either continue the pregnancy or abort the pregnancy depending on her own views and circumstances.

And obviously leave her boyfriend, which I’d imagine would be very easy to do a mere four months into the relationship, pregnant or not.

PlantMum23 · 05/11/2023 16:59

FlamingoQueen · 05/11/2023 16:55

4 months! That’s nothing. I’m very sorry that you had a miscarriage, but I would take it as a sign that you don’t have to ever speak to this awful man again! Run and run as fast as you can.

A miscarriage is not some sort of sign from whoever you believe sends these signs - it’s a tragic and unrelated event.

HardcoreLadyType · 05/11/2023 17:00

This has all happened in 4 months, but he’s “lovely”? I’d hate to see horrible!

Seriously, it won’t improve, but if this is what you want for your life (partner constantly lying and going AWOL) then stick with him, by all means.

cantushy · 05/11/2023 17:03

Why are you even asking? Who would actually defend this prick?

WaltzingWaters · 05/11/2023 17:07

I’m sorry for your pregnancy loss. But as everyone else has said, time to ditch this guy. It’s not worth it. Find someone who treats you better and doesn’t lie.

WrylyAmused · 05/11/2023 17:08

In any good relationship I've been in, there has been absolutely zero issues until about 18mths-2 years in. I.e. when the honeymoon period, excitement and all the oxytocin has worn off

4 months in? Ditch him and don't look back - you've already seen where you come in his priority list and it won't get any better!

MaliciaKeys · 05/11/2023 17:12

Sorry about your miscarriage. That must have been hard to deal with.
Your boyfriend sounds awful, very immature and silly, drinking, drug taking, stopping out, lying on the couch all day - kick him to the kerb. You don't need him.

BasinHaircut · 05/11/2023 17:12

You will spend your life on edge every Friday and Saturday night if you commit to this man. Whether it’s lovely or not when he isn’t out drinking and taking drugs.

I know many a woman who would give anything to be able to go back and make this choice 4 months in to the relationship, before there is anything tying them to this sort of man.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/11/2023 17:13

You're pregnant by a virtual stranger. Ditch him.

Ju1ieAndrews · 05/11/2023 17:14

Leave, just leave.

unsync · 05/11/2023 17:20

Four months? Why are you still with him? I have cheese in my fridge that is more mature than this man. 🙄

PickAChew · 05/11/2023 17:23

You need to quit him. The drink and drugs will always come first.

Mummymummy89 · 05/11/2023 17:25

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage.

When you have a tragedy or severe illness, you really find out what people are like. You know now that this man is selfish and unsupportive.

I hope you leave him and hopefully find a better man. Someone who can care for you when you're heavily pregnant, postpartum, breastfeeding, etc.

You sound young (total guess though) so there's still time to find someone better.

UsingChangeofName · 05/11/2023 17:28

I'm missing the bit where anything about this relationship is worth carrying on with.

He drinks too much.
He does drugs.
He lies.

You don't owe him anything.

Break up with him and block him.
Run.