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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be in a bad mood after in law visit.

17 replies

RunZombie · 05/11/2023 15:28

I'm 50, I've known my in-laws for nearly 30 years and they are as cold and polite as the day I first met them.
I could be DH's brand new girlfriend for the warmth they show to me.
We probably all know each other too well and yet not at all. Thirty years ago MIL certainly knew more about gardening, today I'm not so sure.
They always ask DH's opinion about stuff even if I'm the person most likely to have dealt with that aspect of our lives.
DH is no help when I want to let off steam about this. I need a post visit vent!

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 05/11/2023 15:32

If they are not interfering in your life but just disinterested in you, it could be worse. If civil and do not see you much then you are not in a bad position. You could try and engage more but u wouldn’t bother, for me it would be a win.

EvenBetta · 05/11/2023 15:38

I’m failing to see the issue.

Sapphire387 · 05/11/2023 15:40

They sound weird. How often do you see them? Could you cut back at all?

What do you mean 'DH is no help' - does he not see an issue?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 05/11/2023 15:48

Stop visiting, life is too short for this.

devilsice123 · 05/11/2023 15:50

My mother in law listens to my husband more if he makes a suggestion about something, even if I've made the exact same suggestion.

welcometothnuthouse · 05/11/2023 16:00

I wouldn't bother with them, total waste of time.

Lemsipper · 05/11/2023 16:04

They sound like odd bods.
i’m not planning on ever being a MIL but if I was I would be so warm and full of love for my daughter/son in law.

id be more annoyed that your DH is no help tbh

Maddy70 · 05/11/2023 16:10

They don't sound weird to me. They are just more reserved than you are.

They are hardly hideous and Iver bearing like many in laws

You sound as if you expect then to gush all over you ? They are polite and civilised. Nothing to see here

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 05/11/2023 16:10

EvenBetta · 05/11/2023 15:38

I’m failing to see the issue.

Have to agree with this, what have they actually done? Are you cold and polite to them in return

User5512 · 05/11/2023 16:12

What’s the problem? They don’t seem to like you, but they are being polite (and cold). Fair enough! I think they are decent people. Some people drive a wedge between you and your DH by being nasty to you. They are not doing that, at least!

I’d withdraw from the equation and just be polite.

Floatinginatincan · 05/11/2023 16:14

Lemsipper · 05/11/2023 16:04

They sound like odd bods.
i’m not planning on ever being a MIL but if I was I would be so warm and full of love for my daughter/son in law.

id be more annoyed that your DH is no help tbh

What if your son/daughter in law was cold, unfriendly, difficult to get to know?. We only ever here one side of the story here

cariadlet · 05/11/2023 16:22

Warmth would be nice but as long as they are polite and not interfering then I don't think you have any grounds for complaint.

You would clearly like a closer relationship with your in laws but your DH chose you for his wife; they didn't choose you for a DIL and aren't obliged to show you a warmth that they don't feel.

I'm always polite to my MIL, and now that she's become more frail, I'll help out practically and will sometimes pop round for a visit to check she's ok but I don't have anything in common with her (apart from my DH and DD); wouldn't naturally have developed a friendship with her and don't feel any kind of emotional connection to her.

Original poster
RunZombie · 05/11/2023 18:36

It is a funny one, thirty years of visits, cooked meals, Xmas, grand children etc and I don't feel any closer than their most recent new window cleaner.

No real interest in my job, my hobbies, even my kids. I just never thought I could be in anyone's life for this long without more 'warmth'.

In the early years, Mil told me three times, about DH's ex girlfriend, and BIl's exes that she said 'keep in touch' but hadn't meant it. I just always thought that decades would trump that but apparently not.

COVID and geography and other grand kids have meant we're not over burdened by them but it's certainly a duty. I have other friends who I'd rather see and host and feel I personally get more support from.
I think the latest visit, after my eldest has just left for uni, finally rammed it home. They will always see me as an outsider rather than family.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 05/11/2023 20:24

How warm are they towards your husband?

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/11/2023 20:25

The only thing I would be thinking at the age of 50 with 30 years of this crap behind me, is that at least I wouldn't be expected to take care of them.

1990thatsme · 05/11/2023 20:49

Well just don't bother with them then?

Madamswearsalot · 05/11/2023 22:36

I can very much sympathise - my in-laws (with the exception of my MIL) are exactly the same. It’s really hard to articulate to other people though. I used to wonder if I’d done something wrong but have come to the conclusion that it’s not me. We’ve been together 18 years and there’s just no connection, no interest. As you say, it’s like talking to strangers.

I’ve recently decided to ignore any sense of obligation or duty and avoid gatherings as much as I can. Someone said to me ‘better to feel guilt than resentment’ and it really resonated. DH isn’t happy about it because he doesn’t want to believe that they treat me like an outsider.

PPs saying “what’s the problem just don’t engage” are sort of right but it ignores that weird feeling of obligation many of us feel when it comes to family. We may not enjoy family meet ups but we do it because ‘it’s family’. I’m now at the point of thinking that if it’s sucking the joy out of my one precious life then fuck it, it’s a no from me.

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