AIBU to consider this?

[Cherrylemon]

Hi,

I know that this post will divide opinions, but here goes!

dh and I are both 43. Married for 15 years with 2 ds’s. Dh’s sex drive has always been an issue, however he stopped wanting sex completely after our last dc was born 8 years ago. Believe me, we/I’ve done everything to deal with this but we’ve reached a point where sex is just no longer going to be part of our relationship. We still love each other and we do hug, show affection. He’s a lovely guy and we enjoy doing stuff together, or as a family. There is just no sexual contact. This post isn’t about how I can help him to get his sex drive back- we’ve already exhausted all of those options. His lack of wanting sex is deep routed..

now here’s the issue-I miss sex. I love sex and I’ll be honest- I’m desperate for a good banging!!!! Splitting up isn’t an option right now. Our kids would be devastated, one of whom has special needs. It would be catastrophic for the to deal with us splitting and I won’t do that. Maybe I’ll feel differently when they’re grown up.

i’ve Found myself thinking about finding someone to shag. Just etc,nothing rlse. I actually had an offer from a male work colleague but I turned it down. Dh would be hurt if he knew I was thinking about this. I know that it would br cheating, but there’s a little part of me that thinks would it really matter if I was discrete? It would also save me a fortune on lovehoney.com

Am I being ridiculous?

YABU to consider doing it secretly and cheating on your husband. However you are not being unreasonable to want sex and intimacy. You need to share how you feel with your husband, perhaps suggest an open relationship or see if he offers any suggestions himself but talking openly is step 1

Have you considered marriage counselling?

Talk this issue through with a therapist and your DH?

If he's truly not willing/able to have sex with you, then does he really understand that he's condemning you to a life of celibacy that you do not want?

If you respect your marriage and your spouse then some open and honest conversations need to be had before you start planning to have sex with anyone outside of the marriage; it may be that he's on board with that idea because it takes some pressure off of him, but counselling may be a good place to start.

How would you feel if it were the other way around? If you were the one with no sex drive, and your DH decided it was justified to cheat because of it?

You may think "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" now, but I think you're underestimating how guilty you'd feel if you went through with this.

I agree with others, you need to talk to him about this and come up with a solution together.

I don’t think cheating is the solution you think it is. It’s easy to imagine you could meet up with your coworker for a quick shag and be done with it but it’s an absolute inevitability that it would get messy. You will end up getting emotionally involved, or your husband will find out, or the guilt will eat you alive.

You two are married, at one point in your lives you were prepared to share them entirely. You need to be able to talk about this. You need to tell your husband that a sexless marriage isn’t working for you. You need to see if he would consider an open marriage, and if so set the ground rules for that. Or you need to accept that the marriage can’t continue and find a way to make your family work with you two being separated.

You are totally justified in wanting intimacy, but you can’t keep one foot in your marriage while simultaneously deceiving your husband, being unfaithful, and breaking promises. Even if it seems simple in theory, it doesn’t ever actually work that way.