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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Merging households

24 replies

AlexStype · 04/11/2023 21:51

I suggested merging households with my partner. We both have teenage children and would need a bigger house as neither of our current properties could accommodate the entire family. My partner wants me to sell my house and take out a mortgage in my name while they keep their own property until the early redemption clause on the mortgage expires in two years. The discussion on location was also heavily weighted to areas that would have minimal impact of their current routine for schools and social activities but would add between 40 to 60 minutes to my own commute. It left me feeling that I was making all the concessions, being financially libel and my partner was getting all the benefits with no responsibilities. When I said I couldn't proceed under these circumstances I was lambasted for getting cold feet and not being committed. I didn't feel like I was being unreasonable, I discovered further information after the initial conversation and I felt I was within my rights to say I have change my mind.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 04/11/2023 21:54

Stay as you are. Seriously.

GrazingSheep · 04/11/2023 21:55

Don’t do it.

Daftapath · 04/11/2023 21:56

Don't do it. I would end the relationship if I was treated like that

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 04/11/2023 21:57

None of this has your kids best interests at the heart of it. Your job is to put them first. Wait

Forgotmylogindetails · 04/11/2023 21:57

He thinks you are an idiot.

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 04/11/2023 21:57

Nope. Don’t do this.

Condo · 04/11/2023 21:58

Do not do this - wait until you kids have left home fgs

Riverlee · 04/11/2023 22:00

keep your own houses, rent them out and rent somewhere together.

or stay as you are.

You’re right, you’re making all the concessions.

Redshoeblueshoe · 04/11/2023 22:02

Don't do it.

tortoiseshellcats · 04/11/2023 22:08

Do not do it

TwinklyWinkly · 04/11/2023 22:09

Phrases like “you are not committed” and “you would do this if you loved me” are classic emotional blackmail manipulative language… often employed by abusers and exploiters.

Beware.

BrokenBonesStixStones · 04/11/2023 22:09

Don't do it & honestly, reconsider the relationship

Startagainjanuary · 04/11/2023 22:13

What a lucky escape this was just the start of it too. Keep your independence. I bet he love bombs you next.

PeloMom · 04/11/2023 22:17

What a blessing in disguise to find this out way before it’s too late!

Rugbee · 04/11/2023 22:19

Have voted YABU as it’s a stupid idea to move a bunch of teens so you can live with your boyfriend. Even your boyfriend thinks it a stupid idea as he’s clearly trying to make it as unattractive as possible.

Toddler101 · 04/11/2023 22:20

Riverlee · 04/11/2023 22:00

keep your own houses, rent them out and rent somewhere together.

or stay as you are.

You’re right, you’re making all the concessions.

This.

Don't be taken for a mug.

Teentaxidriver · 04/11/2023 22:23

Riverlee’s advice is spot on. Also he needs to be more flexible in terms of everyone making sacrifices. I think merging households that include teens is a recipe for disaster.

thistimelastweek · 04/11/2023 22:24

I don't know what you are asking.
You've figured it out by yourself

Ibravedaflood · 04/11/2023 22:24

Stick a pin in a map half way between your places now and tell him you should all rent a house there.. Then see who isn't committed..

AlexStype · 05/11/2023 22:56

Thanks for all the comments here. It echo's what I feeling that the deal on offer wasn't right for me or my children.

OP posts:
GladWhere · 05/11/2023 23:05

Carry on dating him. Enjoy it and don't complicate things. Mixing two households with teens is extremely high risk.

HerMammy · 05/11/2023 23:20

It's not an offer, it's all on you, you sell your house, you move away from your kids school, nothing positive for you.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 05/11/2023 23:26

WOW! I'm really pleased to hear that you've seen and acted on the red flag your partner was waving at you OP. If (and in your shoes it should be a big if) you still want to continue the relationship with someone who is clearly extremely selfish, and is only in it for what works for HIM, then carry on seeing him, but please don't ever bring up the suggestion of living together ever again OP. Maintain your independence come hell or high water, you'll be glad you did with this one!

Florabundance · 06/11/2023 08:26

I can't offer anything other than what's already been said in here, I can only offer my own experience whereby I gave up my house to live with my ex and when the issues started I was was suddenly homeless, I won't steal this thread by going into details, but keep your place please, I wish I had.

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