I feel hopeless and like the worst Mum

[iamstruggling1]

Hi everyone

Long term poster, changed names.

DH and I have a beautiful 5 month old DD. It took us almost 10 years of trying and many miscarriages to get to this point.

I have a long history of anxiety and depression due to my childhood. I am taking Citalopram and recently upped to 40mg from 30mg.

I have felt so good in terms of my mental health since DD was born. She's a dream come true for us and I feel like the luckiest person woman in the world. I can't put into words how much I love her.

Since she turned 5 months, I've hit a wall. I'm tearful, constantly petrified she will die for various reasons from cot death to childhood cancer to the scary stories you see about RSV. I'm a nervous wreck, I'm cleaning obsessively again and stopped going to the baby class we were attending once a week. It's literally like I changed overnight.

I feel awful like I'm failing her having me as a Mum and I have no idea why and can't pinpoint why. She is so loved by DH and I. Adored by grandparents and aunties and uncles. We have a great group of friends (some of them have babies and toddlers) who love her to pieces too. We have a nice and cosy home, she's warm, safe, fed, cuddled, kisses, played with, she's so smiley and giggly and content but I'm constantly worrying that I'm not good enough to be her Mum.

My relationship with my Mum is strained, she is an alcoholic and took lots of drugs once she kicked my Dad out. My Dad fell into a deep depression and moved in with my paternal grandparents. I saw so much growing up from drug use, to dealers beating my Mum up to her nearly burning the house down whilst falling asleep high leaving the chip pan oil boiling. I'd stay awake at night to make sure she didn't fall asleep in bed with a cigarette, I went to school stinking of cats wee and eventually, my Grandparents gained custody and I went to live with them and my Dad. I had the best childhood with them and I was loved and happy and safe. My Dad remarried but I wanted to stay with my grandparents so I did until I got married to DH and moved out at 21.

I lost them both to cancer in their 60s and I wish they were still around, they'd give me the best advice. I miss them more than ever since DD was born.

Do I need to go to GP for this or is this normal after having baby? Sorry for the waffling I'm just struggling right now.

I don’t have much advice OP except to say your daughters birth and becoming a mother has brought up a lot of emotions and trauma that may have been buried. I think I’m that case, counselling may be a good option to help you carry on enjoying the wonderful experience you’d been having so far.

You sound like an amazing mum and your daughter will love you and be so proud of you, so counselling may give you some strategies to cope with negative thoughts encroaching on your life and not let them stop you enjoying your baby girl.

I don’t think I would go to GP as it isn’t really a medical problem unless you think a med change might help. I would seek out a therapist as there will be lots to talk about regarding your childhood, your parents and also how you’re feeling now. It sounds like you’re an amazing mum and your baby is so loved and cared for. It sounds like you had to be really on alert as a child and maybe now that the excitement of the birth is over you have gone back to your learned state. But you are absolutely not failing and the right therapist will help you unpick everything

Definitely go to the GP as they can refer you to the perinatal mental health team. Hopefully you'll be offered therapy. Hugs to you

I would go to the GP to discuss meds and talking therapies in the short term an increase in medication/different medication might help until you can source some therapy. You have been through so much in your life, you deserve to feel better.

Do go and see your GP — that’s a lot of trauma and bereavement to process, and complicated relationships with your parents too. Bless you, it’s a heavy old load to carry. Don’t forget you also have miscarriages to work through plus the massive upheaval of becoming a mum — it’s A LOT. No wonder you are struggling emotionally, I think most of us would!!

Your GP will be able to sign post you to some help. Where I live we have Homestart which is really fab, they can provide help & support, I know lots of people who both volunteer and also who have been on the receiving end. Your GP will be able to assess your meds and give you some advice & reassurance.

From what you say you are doing a great job, and are a lovely mum to your baby. If you have contact details for any mums at your baby group, maybe reach out and let them know you are finding things hard.

So sorry to hear you are going through this OP. You had a lot of trauma as a child and it’s bout to come out at times of change.

You are clearly a very loving mum so don’t worry about that.

You should let your GP know as they may want to tweak medication. Some CBT might be really helpful for managing anxiety, with perhaps some longer term therapy if you want to address things at a deeper level.

Do also reach out to your partner - who can keep an eye on you - and your friends. Try to slowly get out interacting with people.

Go to your gp asap. You sound like an amazing mum and your childhood must’ve had a huge impact. It sounds like you’ve got lots of support and that is wonderful, you’ll get through this.

Please go to the GP or speak to your HV. Sounds like you may be helped by the perinatal mental health team, and a medication review. How long ago did your dosage increase? It can take c4 weeks for the dosage to take effect, and they can be a little rough. If, at any time, you feel like you may be spiralling further, please seek immediate help.

Postpartum mental health issues can arise any time in the first few years, and are more common than you would think.

I agree with others- you are clearly a loving Mum. What takes a lot of people some time to realise, though, is that being a loving parent often means that we need to put our own wellbeing at the forefront in order to give our children the best we can. Having a healthy, happy mother is in the best interest of both you and your child.

I say all of this as someone who had severe perinatal MH issues, and was concerned that I wasn't bonding properly with my child. Engaging with the perinatal team and medication saved my life, and now I have an amazing bond with my 4 year old DD.

I agree that you should speak to your GP. I was like that when my son was one and my doctor told me it was postnatal depression and put me on antidepressants. They really worked and I'd recommend them to anyone in that situation. I hope everything goes well. XX

Please see your GP

Do see your GP. And if you can, try to make it to one of the baby classes. Being around other people with babies is good for you and good for your baby too. She will love to see other babies and it helps her learn. But if you cant manage that, it is fine to wait a bit.

Op - I also had the same cliff edge with my second. Almost identical symptoms. CBT was life changing plus higher dose of meds to carry with through. I am out the other side.

Becoming a mum puts grief/ trauma front and centre. I had just lost my gran, mum and grandad in the space of 18 months and the wheels just came off.

Go talk to your GP!

Thank you everyone for your kind replies x

I managed to get in to see a Dr today who has referred me back to the perinatal mental health team, they've also changed my tablets completely and I'm on the waiting list for CBT xx

@iamstruggling1 that all sounds very positive- glad you're getting some help! How are you feeling now? Sometimes the relief of something happening can be cathartic in itself.