Toxic parent won’t change

[villet]

How does one deal with a mentally Ill mother who buys sleeping pills online , doesn’t want to change or seek counselling .
shes 55 and my dad expects me to bring the kids over more often to cheer her up .

she shouts at small things and living with her is stressful for him he’s 68. I have called adult services to try and help him . He was much happier when she stayed in America for 2 years 2020-2022.
he can’t leave her alone and come on outings with us as he worries about her sleeping in the garden which has happened.

she ended up in A&E other day due to overdose of sleeping pills and when she finally awoke in the hospital she was so mad she ripped the cannula from her arm and shouted the place down.

she’s also controlling and wants me and my brother to be closer but we each have our families.
if she calls him and tells us to meet somewhere and we change the plan she hangs up the phone.
she’s very uninhibited and will shout to get across her point no matter who’s watching .

is this narcissistic/borderline personality or undiagnosed autism ?

It's addiction. Not even nearly anything to do with autism. In America she would of had access to alot more over the counter drugs then here. She's an adult its her choice right now to do this, your dad's an adult, im assuming your an adult. You can both choose to say no to being around her. Unfortunately until she's ready for help there's very little you can actually do for her. There may be councilling or information online for family members of people with addictions if you are needing support yourself, they will probably be able to help you better.

Are we able to ask psychiatrist to admit her to a clinic for women with personality disorders ?
she hasn’t always been a pill addict but she’s always been neurotic and controlling and would share the same stories again.
it’s my dads house and there should be somewhere else for her to go if she can’t live peacefully under one roof.

If they’re married, the house is a joint asset. If your father doesn’t want to live with her any more he should divorce her, which may involve selling the house.

It sounds like you just want her to disappear and for the state to deal with her. I don’t doubt she’s a toxic nightmare but it’s your choice whether to stay in contact with her or not. I wouldn’t.

You can't just ask someone to admit someone even with genuine concerns it's a very long process and to be held against her will she needs to be assessed as a severe risk either to herself or to others. She needs to want to seek help first and it doesn't sound like she does, the only option you currently have is to start saying no. You are not obligated to be around someone just because they are your parent. You could ask your dad what he wants in his current situation and find a way for him to have an 'out' so he has a safe space to go if he decides he wants to leave.

No you can't just "Get someone admitted". Someone has to no longer have capacity (be seriously mentally unwell, hallucinating doesn't always cut it for example) amd at risk to themselves or others.

It sounds like she really is suffering. You need to decide how much you can support her and how often you can take kids etc and then leave it at that.

I'm notnsure why the need to diagnose her with autism/personality disorder as all you've written about just sounds like someone who is struggling with life. There is support for depression and anxiety but they need to want it. Tearing otu a canula is surprisingly common when people are distressed.

Are we able to ask psychiatrist to admit her to a clinic for women with personality disorders ?

I think you're clutching at straws here villet - understandable given the stress this must be causing you.

You can't just ask a psychiatrist to admit someone - the potential patient has to agree unless they meet the criteria for sectioning / compulsory admission. And from your post it doesn't sound as if your mother does meet these requirements. Any potential diagnosis is not really the issue - it's how you react to her behaviour that's the issue.

I think you would be better off supporting your father by explaining to him that the ball is in his court - he can ask her to leave / divorce her. All the time he is there supporting her, she will continue.

Step away from contact with your mother. I would be very reluctant to expose your children to her. Ignore the arrangements she makes for you and your brother to meet.

Psychiatry (NHS) will only admit her if she’s an immediate risk to herself or others. Was it an accidental overdose? No one would assess her for autism in the mist of addiction issues. Autism you would expect a lot of repetitive behaviours, sensory sensitivity and special interests, not just interpersonal problems. Do you suspect any cognitive changes or has she always been like this?

Have you seen the Stately Homes threads? You'd probably find a lot of support there.

One thing I've noticed about those of us with bad parents is we get caught up in their drama and narrative and think it's our job to fix them (or that there's anything about the situation we can control e.g. "what can I do about it?"). They've trained us to be like that since we were children as they condition us to take responsibility for things we can't possibly control.

When you realise you can't do anything, are completely powerless, and that your parents aren't ever going to change, you will start to feel very differently about the whole thing and then it's easier to distance yourself (which you need to do for yourself).

As many, many people told you on your other thread, you cannot just ask somebody to admit her to a mental health ward. It just doesn't work like that.'people have explained that to you.
She needs to deal with her addiction issues but until she wants to do that herself, there is nothing you can do.
I'm not meaning to be harsh but you need to listen to what people are telling you.

Typical message from my dad
“your mum is low today have you been to see her”
me “no”
him: how disappointing

reason I suggested autism is she can be inappropriate in her conversation and doesn’t realise a topic causes offence and she’s stuck in a 1950s time warp and believes all husbands should take financial care of their wives.

she had a traumatic childhood her dad was a scary guy (not violent) but very strict and she’d hide in cupboard when he came home.

I have a mentally ill mum who is as you describe but worse. Her behaviours are very abusive. I've cut her out. I tried for years as it is health but she doesn't want to help herself either. Also has a pill addiction. And as above, my mum was sectioned after psychosis, believing the house was bugged and a complete danger to all. Sectioning someone is not easy even when clearly needed. Sometimes there's not even a bed available. Take some responsibility for your relationship and cut ties. Your dad chooses this life. You don't have to. Your mum can only be controlling if she's allowed to be. Just say no.
Also it's insulting to those with autism for you to be labelling your mum based on your op.

So your dad is your mums enabler in her abuse of you.

I would be going very low contact with the pair of them.