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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end contactb

22 replies

FcukMyLife · 04/11/2023 18:07

I'm separated from DC's ( aged 8 & 4) Dad, so they have fortnightly contact. I recently received a phone call from the police saying that he had been arrested for talking to minors online and that they had to make me aware that he is not allowed any unsupervised contact with DC. Naturally social services had to be involved and they are advising no contact that isn't supervised by me or my family. I'm absolutely gobsmacked and I'm having a really hard time processing the whole situation. He has explained his side but it doesn't make 100% sense. I don't believe he would harm DC, but when someone gives you this kind of information, your mind goes in a million directions. He told the police that if DC are with him, then his older daughter-22, will be there so he won't be alone. However, I'm not comfortable with them having any contact until I know the outcome of the investigation or at least a bit more information. My family agree with me but I need an outsiders view. I don't know how the DC will take it.

AIBU to end all contact?

OP posts:

JaneAustenshandbag · 04/11/2023 18:09

I think you would be unreasonable to take any other course of action. You are absolutely right to stop any contact immediately even if it is supervised. You must safeguard the children.

NeedToChangeName · 04/11/2023 18:09

If contact is supervised by a responsible adult, then the children will be safe

I wouldn't rush to make any decisions about stopping contact altogether

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 18:12

I wouldn’t be happy with his older child - someone he ultimately will have seniority over - supervising.

Ss have said you or your family (ie not someone with more loyalty to him than your children) for a reason.

MeMySonAnd1 · 04/11/2023 18:13

How much do you trust his DD will be monitoring the contact and denounce any problem? He is in a position of power over her, isn’t it?

I would stop and request contact to take place in a contact centre.

MeMySonAnd1 · 04/11/2023 18:15

Actually, I would probably stop contact altogether until I have more details the severity of the allegations and then re assess.

Goodfrock · 04/11/2023 18:18

I'd be worried about a 22yo woman, who on finding that her father had been doing this, wanted to facilitate contact with his other kids rather than cutting/reducing contact herself. It suggests he has quite a hold over her.

PortalooSunset · 04/11/2023 18:26

I think if the only option for supervision is his daughter then YWNBU to stop contact. If there's another trusted adult (your family/friend) then maybe I'd consider it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 18:26

Goodfrock · 04/11/2023 18:18

The majority of men accused of things like this are believed at least at first by their families when they give the I didn’t know their age/it was just chit chat in a game/mistaken identity excuses.

it’s exactly why Ss have said access should be supervised by the OP or her family rather than his family

Stressfordays · 04/11/2023 18:36

Stop contact and feel no guilt for it.

Redlarge · 04/11/2023 19:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 18:12

I wouldn’t be happy with his older child - someone he ultimately will have seniority over - supervising.

Ss have said you or your family (ie not someone with more loyalty to him than your children) for a reason.

This i wouldnt allow contact

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2023 19:10

He told the police that if DC are with him, then his older daughter-22, will be there so he won't be alone.

If he is what he seems to be, then there's every chance his DD was groomed to accept worrying behaviour, even if she wasn't a victim herself. The female children of pedophiles have very complicated relationships with their fathers. No way she should be put in this position, by him, you, SS or the police. Even as a kindness to her, let alone safeguarding for your children.

If contact is supervised, it needs to be by someone who understands grooming almost always happens when someone else is watching. Children feel something is off, then look to the other adult present. If that adult seems OK with it, and silence is being OK, then they assume it is OK. If you allowed contact, you would need someone skilled and assertive enough to hear something is wrong and say, "nope, we're leaving, that wasn't OK". His daughter will not do that.

winterchills · 04/11/2023 19:10

I agree with you. I would be stopping contact full stop until you found out the full story. Sorry your going through this!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 19:18

He told the police that if DC are with him, then his older daughter-22, will be there so he won't be alone.

It's also quite striking that when faced with such serious allegations he told the police what would happen.

He didn't say he'd take advice from SS, or ask what he should do re supervision, or even give the OP the choice of who should supervise.

He told them that a young adult that he has a position of power over would be the supervisor. That's a very confident man.

Original poster

FcukMyLife · 04/11/2023 19:24

He's always been quite narcissistic. He called yesterday trying to arrange to pick them up as usual. DC had a birthday party so they weren't going anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

FcukMyLife · 04/11/2023 19:29

Thank you for all your advice. I really really don't want to think that way but I'm obsessed with true crime podcasts and my mind is a minefield of scenarios. I was physically sick when I came off the phone and the rest of the day was a blur. Im also a fair person and always try and see both sides of a situation x

OP posts:

StrawberryLemonade2 · 04/11/2023 19:34

Social Services were very clear.

You or your family. If you do not feel comfortable doing this (and I wouldn't blame you either), then stop contact.

You need to safe guard your children. Please do make sure you speak to the children's school about what has happened because if he is on the birth certificate and they haven't been informed, they could hand the children over.

Uggquestion · 04/11/2023 19:39

I would not accept his dd supervising.

I would pause contact until more is known.

I would feel the onus is on him to arrange contact in a contact centre for the foreseeable once the matter is resolved. If he doesn't like it he can take it to a judge.

MeMySonAnd1 · 04/11/2023 19:41

Just wanted to mention about the “how children will take it” worry: ignorance is bliss, little information to reassure them lF they ask like: he is busy dealing with an issue and not going to be around for a while but he is looking forward to see you.

If they ask when, you answer with the truth: You don’t know. Acknowledge their feelings and then distract, distract, distract.

If they need to go into supervised contact with someone you know: “ aunt x wants to spend more time with you”

if they are going into supervised contact at contact centre ask the centre’s staff about the best way to manage it.

Countdown2023 · 04/11/2023 19:45

Follow what you have been advised by Social Services. They said you or your family and not his 22 yr old daughter.

Countdown2023 · 04/11/2023 19:45

Repeated post

Rainbowqueeen · 04/11/2023 20:03

Is what SS suggested feasible? If you don’t feel you can do it (I don’t think I could) do you have a family member who could and is willing to? If not then contact needs to stop. But I would at least ask your family so that if down the track your DC ask about it you can say that you followed SS advice but that no one was able to supervise.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/11/2023 21:06

FcukMyLife · 04/11/2023 19:29

The thing is - if he is innocent of these things (with what you've said about seeing both sides) - by doing things properly, as SS have said they should be done, you're actually protecting him, and you, as well as your children.

You're showing that the priority in this is your children. So SS know that you as a parent put your children first and made sure their safety was paramount whilst the investigation is done.

If he was remotely sensible, and not arrogant or narcissistic, it's what he'd be doing as well.

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