To want my friend to back off?

[Justrolledmyeyesoutloud]

Dd is now in year 7 and loving life. Got a friend who has a child also year 7 at a different school but friend won't allow the kids to go their own ways. My dd likes her child but wants to spread her wings and make new friends yet every time she mentions what she has done with new friends, this mother says her child feels left out. Even though they are making their own friends in theur school. Going to fireworks on sunday with school friends and this woman wants to come to that too. I can't stoo her, it's a public place but feels like she is trying to force our kids to spend tine together and not let them grow apart. Bottim line is they are only friends cos l am friends with the mum but isn't it perfectly normal that kids make their own friends?

Yes it is!

Some people are single mined - and want to be centre of attention.

Stop telling her what you are doing all the time then she can’t invite herself.

I really try not to and am very vague but she just asks my dd which annoys me cos l don't want to teach dd to lie but the truth is she doesn't always want to babysit this other child who doesn't know anyone in her new group.

I could be so far away with this but Have you thought that maybe this isn’t to do with the children and more about you two drifting apart? Has the mother got other friends? It could be that she’s forcing the issue so she doesn’t lose her friendship with you.

Stop giving her information. Be vague. Say you don't know what plans are etc

No you are spot on - we only met when the kids were babies and she is definitely projecting. No she doesn't have many frirnds at all which l do sympathise with but l don't feel as if that is my dd's issue. It's tough cos l do feel sorry for her but it's too much.

Yep already do that but the kids are in touch so she still manages to find out

it is devastating if you child does not have friend. I know it is irritating, but mum is trying help her child not feel isolated.

Her friend does have other friends but she keeps pushing for her child to come out with mine. I would understand a bit more if they didn't - she isn't giving them chance to nuture other friendshios

Sorry her child that was meant to say

The friend is using OP's daughter and that's not on. Sneaky to ask OP's dd directly.

This is a grown woman and she should be independent enough to go her own way and teach her dd resilience and independence. My dc have had several times where they are not invited or even part of any friendship groups for periods of time.

You can't force people to socialise with you you've got to let it happen and work on your own social skills.

OP's friend is not helping her dd, she should help her make new friends, clinging on is unhelpful.

If the girls in the op are at different schools it's unreasonable to expect they keep hanging out. It might happen or not but it's got to be what both want.

You can't just invite yourself to someone else's outing. The OP friend's dd will soon cringe so hard at her mother interfering.

I sympathise too but as you’ve said, it’s not yours or your dds issue. Even the best of friends drift apart when they start senior school so it’s understandable when they’ve gone to separate schools. It is a hard one to deal with. I had a similar issue with my friends when our children went to separate schools. I haven’t really spoken to any of them since. It’s just the way it is sometimes. Sorry I don’t have any advice other than letting her tag along and letting her realise how awkward it will be when she’s just invited herself.

Thank you - you totally get it xx

I actually think you need to have an open and direct conversation with her and say that your dd is starting out and it's important she gets the chance to make friends at school. The same goes for her dd. I've just had to deal with a 'friend' who is out to use my family stepping over me and I've finally told her that I won't facilitate any further get togethers between my dc and hers. It took me too long and I feel angry at her using me. Don't be me, be proactive and set it straight sooner.

I reqlly want to do this before lmget annoyed and stop wanting to see them altogether. My dd is already making comments that she wants to spend more time with other people. My friend is very paranoid and would likely be massively upset and l would have to deal with the afternath of that. So tricky

OP, this woman extracting information from your daughter and then pushing in, is a complete NoNo.

She clearly does not care about your child as she is focused on what works for her and or her daughter.

She is trampling on your daughters privacy and I wouldn't tolerate it for a minute.

I would push back really hard and whether the friendship survived would not bother me at all.

Infact I would think space would be best.

I cannot bear behaviour like that and you are doing your daughter a huge disservice by allowing this to continue.

I would tell her straight that YOUR daughter is entitled to her privacy to make other friendships and her quizzing her for information is deeply inappropriate and intrusive.

Tell her that if it continues you will cease contact completely.

She is not your friend and she is doing her daughter no favours whatsoever.

She needs to be told back off.

Personally her behaviour would give me the Ick and I wouldn't have any interest in being involved with someone so controlling.

She is actively interfering in your daughters life and you are allowing it.

Model firm boundaries for your daughter and explain to your daughter why.

Her getting upset because she is paranoid is neither here nor there.

Your daughter is telling you what she wants.

Is this pushy woman more important than your own child?

It sounds as if she is?

Do you really think that she is more important?

I don't think you do, but you have written it like she is.

It's not tricky.

She is behaving really inappropriately and your daughter has mentioned it.

You need to step up and tell her that she is behaving inappropriately and she has zero business quizzing your child and then forcing herself into your daughters new friendships.

This is not normal behaviour.

SHE is messing up, not your child.

Protect your daughter and protect her right to space from this woman.

Let her be upset. No one owns anyone. The beauty of friendship is that it's mutual and balanced and should be fun on the whole. This is neither because your friend, a grown up is kind of trying to control and coerce your dd. This is actually red flag and the friendship may already be over if she doesn't change her way quick. I say it again, she is using you and she is using your dd, don't let her. What would you advise your dd in a couple of years if she dates a boy but doesn't want to any longer? You'd advise her to tell him gently and call it a day. DOn't teach your dd that she has to accept such controlling behaviour from ANYONE.

Your friend is being possessive and odd. I know some meddling mothers, they are NOT helping their dc. I agree with pp, this would give me the ick and actually has, as I had to confront a similar situation over the weekend but with a 'friend' who moved away but expects intensive contact when she visits the area. I am so angry with myself that I let this go on for 3 years longer than I should have. I did this as I thought we were friends, and I did not realise she was using me and my kids. She also got her dd to contact mine to ask to meet when I had already told her we were not available to meet. Spare yourself and your dd years of grief, tell her to leave your dd and that she is overstepping the mark. I sense the friendship is already over because she doesn't take no for an answer and is not interested in you or your dd only what your dd can do for her dd.

I think sometimes, we get too focused on other people’s feelings and worry they won’t be able to handle a situation. As a result, we keep ourselves in a bad situation to protect or appease them.

Your DD is making school friends and you’re getting to know their parents, which is fantastic. Keep encouraging that and avoid letting your friend know in advance about any of your plans. At 7, your DD doesn’t need to know plan details in advance, so if you’re likely to see this friend, save looping in your DD until after the meet up. If your friend mentions this again, say you think it’s lovely that your DD has made some school friends and that it’s natural to have different friendship connections in life, but that doesn’t mean she like this particular friend any less.

Thank you to everyone for pointing out what l need to do.
My dd's feelings of course are more important that this woman's insecurities (which will be the thing that pushes me away from her).
I will have that conversation with her face to face rather than by text and in the meantine have told my dd she doesn't have to answer any messages or give out any information to anyone but especially this woman.
Much appreciated .

You’ll have to be blunt op. I did this years ago, I’m still friends with the mum, children aren’t friends. It’s a bit awkward, but the resentment will kill the friendship if you don’t speak up.

I had this same scenario.
It was horrid.

I ended up just not answering her texts or ignoring her phone calls.

I'm not suggesting these methods as a way forward just wanted to say that I couldn't cope with the situation anymore. Both my children didn't like her children and loathed our 'get togethers.'

Our breaking point was my friend's miserliness .
It was the perfect excuse but my children actually thanked me for ending the friendship.

Your friendship has sailed. Let it go.

That is not the op or the child's fault. The other mother has issues she needs to deal with it herself

That's good just think about this, you are having to keep normal things secret from this meddling pushy woman, which means you don't trust her anymore.

Good for you OP.

If she is texting your child for information as to where she will be, she has absolutely entered deeply batshit territory.

I would find that both disturbed and creepy.

I cannot imagine ever a scenario where this is acceptable.

If this had happened with either of my daughters or to their friends, it would be noted and flagged among parents as inappropriate.

This womans number should be blocked on your daughters phone and tell your daughter to bring any messages from the daughter to you so that you can advise.

It is perfectly acceptable for your child to not answer any nosy questions about her plans and to simply not reply.

I wouldn't want this woman around my child, she does not respect your child's right to privacy and independent friendships of her daughter.

Batshit.