to ask if there is anyone else here who doesn't love their spouse?

[notquiteright1]

I've been slowly accepting for a while now that I'm not in love with my husband and that I don't think he's the person for me.

We actually do get on and I like him, but I'm not IN love with him, I don't really feel anything at all beyond friendship and respect as the father of DC.

Is there anyone else like this? Sometimes I tell myself to just stay because there's nothing technically wrong and we get on most of the time, it's good for DC etc... others I find it really difficult.

I feel awful just writing this stuff down as I know it would devastate him.

I have the bare minimum interest in sex and often just go along with it for his sake. I struggle to show lots of affection because I just don't really feel it. I wish I did.

I know its the thief of joy and all that but I can't help but compare myself to other people I know who seem to have such deep love for their partners whereas I just feel like I'm living with a friend.

Is there anyone else who feels similar but who stays anyway because it's not that bad?

I expect it's more common that we all think @notquiteright1 Some people fall out of love with their spouse, (and some realise after some years that they never loved them at all really...)

But they stay together for convenience, because they have children together, because they can't afford to leave, because they're afraid of being alone, because they have too much invested in the marriage etc. Unless it's a very bad relationship that includes abuse or constant infidelity, many people will stay, even if they're not in love with their spouse anymore.

I wouldn't expect many people to admit it though.

I absolutely love my husband.

But I have had relationships like this before, including with the dad of my first two DC (he has now passed away but it has been a complicated grief journey realising this).

Have you always known this, deep down, or has it crept up on you?

I'm sorry, it sounds like a difficult situation.

I expect it’s quite common and to be honest, I can see how it could work for some people if they have enough affection in other ways and enjoy each others company. Of course, I can see how it wouldn’t work too.

Did you ever feel excited and aroused by him? Genuinely interested

Meeee

Sorry to derail, but I just read the thread on favourite Xmas food and thought the title of this thread was asking about loving sprouts 🫣

It’s not uncommon.
You’re not alone.

I think being “in love” settles into just loving someone and being happy enough with them. Good companions, shared goals, uncomplicated easy intimate life maybe.

It’s not such a bad thing if other aspects of the relationship are good.

What do you think you should be feeling OP? You like and respect him, get on with him, have affection and presumably care for and are fond of him. What exactly is the missing piece of the jigsaw that would make it deep true love? And have you felt this missing feeling before, for him or anyone else?

😂

I feel like this. I don't think I ever really loved him like I should, and I know he doesn't love me. I have my reasons for staying for now, and we get on most of the time, but it's heartbreaking to think about.

I've had what I thought was "true love" twice in my life though and both times it went very painfully wrong. I don't know which is worse, being in love or not.

As others have said, you’re not alone but many won’t be able to write it let alone say it.

Every aspect of relationships change soooo much over time and sometimes I think we always want it to feel like that initial spark. Over time, despite being in a relationship you might come across people who you’re attracted to and feel aligned to (maybe more than your spouse) but you don’t know what living with them would mean.

I think once you’ve been together for a while it kind of settles into something different than the first excited butterflies of love. I had a boyfriend at uni I had this with and it didn’t end well! With DH it’s more that I know we are in it for the long haul - no, it’s not the most exciting and maybe the first flush of romance is taken away by the everyday drudgery of looking after 2 small children. Don’t ask me about sex it’s probs not ideal at the moment. However, I know he’ll never cheat on me, I feel totally comfortable and like I can be myself around him, we parent (mostly) well together, we’ve got through many ups and downs, we give each other space to have our own interests, I can imagine being with him and being content for the rest of my life. Honestly, lots on mumsnet would probably say you need to be madly in love and lusting after each other but I am not sure that’s realistic…perhaps I’m unromantic haha.

Me.....

The times I've felt passionate love I've been felled to my knees.

Companionable love can feel easier.

You're not alone!

I used to have a friend who would go on and on about how boring her relationship was and she didn't feel in love but I thought she was just chasing some 'dream' and excitement but im sad to say I get it now.

I think I did use to love my DP but so much has happened between us and I feel totally unsupported by him in every aspect of life that I spend a lot of time just being angry at him or resenting him or generally feeling sorry for myself. We talk about it often and it's probably glaringly obvious anyway but we both stay for many reasons. I do hope I fall back in love with him. I hope he realises.