DF and I have been together around 5 years. I’m currently struggling as we have reached the point where we don’t do anything as a couple. When I say “reached the stage” I’m talking like 2-3 years now.
We don’t have a huge amount of money, but then I’m not really the type to splash the cash on silly things/build up credit card debt for “wants”. I’d be happy if we went for a nice walk somewhere, or went to the cinema. Just basic things, I’m not asking for wining and dining at posh restaurants.
DF knows I feel this has gone stale and that the effort isn’t there any more. He knows because I’ve tried to have multiple diplomatic discussions with him, where he usually acknowledges that I have a point, says sorry, describes how more effort will be made etc. But then he doesn’t. If I try and arrange things, he will do them and we’ll have a nice time, but it’s having the entire burden of responsibility on me to arrange things (on top of the usual mental load we often have as the female partner) that adds to my irritation. If I don’t arrange, it doesn’t happen. One of my family members spotted we hadn’t been able to have a break away or anything for a long time and kindly gave him some money to arrange a weekend away for us around my birthday. The whole time it was being built up to me as “when we go away for your birthday” and “I’m making plans” etc, only to not mention it at all when it came to my birthday. He ended up overthinking it to the extent he didn’t book anything at all, so I asked him to return the money a month later as it was clear nothing was going to happen and it felt rude to keep it when it hadn’t been used for the intended purpose and would have been swallowed up on bills if it’d stayed in the bank account.
The other part to this story is that his family live elsewhere in the country (We’re North, one of his parents is in the South, one in Wales). So obvs any time we go to see his parents and other family, it’s a bit more planning than just popping round for a brew. However, the parents (long separated and married to other people) both seem to be in the habit of announcing visits on XYZ date (which could be weeks or months in advance, but there’s no consideration as to whether either of us have a shift or any plans, it’s just announced), or they want us in attendance at every birthday, Christmas or random event. When this happens, DF becomes a different person: proactive with arrangements, suggesting I book days off work to accommodate them, change arrangements with childcare plans etc etc. When they say jump, he asks how high we should do it and any plans already made for the aforementioned dates are shelved in favour of seeing his family.
The issue I have with this is I work a stressful job (won’t disclose as want to keep anon in a new account, but imagine one of the more stressful/traumatic/gory types of job you can do), I also have DD who is 10, who I share 50/50 custody and responsibility with Ex partner. My days off are precious to me as I often have to work long and unsociable shifts due to the nature of my career, as well as being a mum. I am feeling utterly exhausted and like I’m being taken for a fool. I am desperate for a break or some quality time just doing basic couple things, but he can’t seem to organise himself to make it a reality, even when provided with all the tools to do so. Why then, when his family require us somewhere, is he suddenly able to make arrangements and drag me around the country?? These visits have essentially become our date nights, because there’s nothing else.
Im at my wits end. I feel taken for granted and as if I’m just there to roll out for family occasions/opening of crisp packets. I have tried over and over to talk about this, but a “sorry” just happens to end the discussion, then we continue as was.
Sorry it’s long, but AIBU to expect a good balance of time for ourselves as a couple, and for him to sometimes take the lead in these plans? AIBU to be frustrated that he cannot make any arrangements, despite being provided with all the tools and funds to do so? AIBU to expect him to stand up to his family and say we will be happy to see them but they cannot just announce when they want us there without consultation over arrangements/dates? AIBU to expect more from this relationship? I honestly feel I’ve communicated with him to death now over this and I’m kinda done.