Would this worry/bother you or just one of those things?

[Cosyevenings]

Dh regularly gets mixed up.

We've had quite a few issues with his parents and other family members where arrangements have been made and there's been confusion and it started caused fallouts.

For example him telling me his parents are visiting and us waiting in for them only to find out that they aren't visiting or that they're actually on holiday. This is just one example.
Us arranging to meet them somewhere and they don't show up, turns out they're somewhere else.
At first I always thought that his parents were confused because that what he said, he got really angry that they kept letting us down, but he's been caught out a few times that it was his mistake. He's really bad at communicating.

He's started doing it at home more and more. So again, for example he said that he was going to book tickets for a show. He said he'd do it.

Later on finding out that he didn't book the show and now the tickets have sold out. He'll completely rewrite the whole conversation that he didn't book it because I was supposed to be doing it and he was simply reading the card details but I walked off 🤷‍♀️

He constantly says the exact opposite of what he means. It's really weird and hard to explain but it's as if he's got his own little language. He's going to cut the grass out the front when he means the back but he does it about everything. Putting the wrong place in the satnav.

Don't really know why I'm posting.

Has he always been like this? If so, could there be some neurodiversity?

But if it's a recent thing and getting worse, it might be worth speaking to a GP?

How old is he?

How old and is this a recent development?

I think he's always been a bit mixed up but it's changing. It used to be more regularly losing things, every single day he'd misplace his keys/wallet/phone. He'd leave our keys in the front door. Forget to lock the car. He's always got his words mixed up.

He seems to be a lot better now with that type of thing now but these days it's changing entire conversations. He broke something in the house a while ago and he's completely change the story into that I broke it and made up a whole story around it. It's not something that matters and no one is annoyed about the thing that's broken but it's just the way he's made up this whole thing that happened.

He's 40.

If it’s something new I would be worried and take him to the GP.
If he has always been like it, it could just be the way his brain works. My DH has a tendency to get things all jumbled up and backwards, but it’s the way he is. I suspect he is ND. He is awful with timelines and recalling events. Not in a gaslighting way, it’s like someone has thrown his thoughts into his head and he’s picked them all back up in the wrong order.

Either it is a brain issue, or he is just gaslighting you.

I'd get the GP to check just in case - but is he showing any issues at work or only with you?

I too would want him seen by the GP to rule out treatable causes, and also check for possibly a form of early dementia.

• Would a paper calendar help to log any visits/appointments etc
• Set up a whatsapp with him, you and his parents, and have each visit confirmed on there, so YOU can see it also?
• Dementia symptoms and types of dementia | Age UK

OP yes I would absolutely be worried. He genuinely sounds like he's got dementia.

If he's always been like this how are you still sane? It would drive me batshit crazy to have to live with someone like this. Probably a visit to the docs to rule out early onset dementia or similar would be worthwhile, but if he's gaslighting you to this extent will he admit he needs help/it's not normal behaviour and actually go?

Agree with seeing the GP if this is new behaviour.

If he’s always been like this, then he’s probably ND.

I'd probably talk calmly to him and say how you're worried about him getting so mixed up all the time. It could be a neurological issue.
My DH finds it really hard to admit when he's made a mistake or had an accident. I'm really relaxed about things getting dropped or broken, or forgotten, accidents happen. But he always jumps straight in with an excuse how it isn't his fault. His mum is very quick to anger and she was a big smacker when he was young, so I think that's why his first instinct is to deny accountability. He's gotten better over the years. Could that be the case for your DH?

My ExH got like this.

We wondered if he was ND or getting dementia or what.

We used to try to video conversations to see if he'd still deny that he said he was going to do stuff - try to work out if it was conscious lying or genuine problems.

Turns out he was forgetful, but got very ashamed of forgetting things (most due to his dad shouting at him as a kid) and so he'd rewrite history so it wasn't his fault.

It was mostly conscious.

It's really difficult to get past, because the only way I had of really working with it was just not asking him to do stuff, because you could never be sure whether he'd done it or not. Unless it was something I didn't care about in which case I'd happily leave it up to him.

Watching with interest as my DP is very like this, and I suspect undiagnosed ADHD.

Me too, also suspect ADHD , he says some is dyslexia in terms of muddling up the words for thing and blames that for his lack of organisation. He struggles to take responsibly for things as well and will misremember and blame other people for stuff but your DH sounds quite extreme so would also suggest a visit to GP. Mine is at least aware of it to some extent and if challenged will admit he probably mixed it up

DH is the same but getting worse at 66 and semi retired.

He is ND but a recent hearing test showed he has significant hearing loss too so maybe check that.

I'm certain it's not gaslighting because he's just not like that. He'd do anything for us and although VERY annoying, he's not nasty. A lot if the mix ups end up affecting him and upsetting him.

Thinking about it now, the big mix ups have been going on for some time but I suppose it just becoming more apparent that it's definitely him and not everyone else.

Dh also has significant hearing loss too but has been putting off getting it checked for years.

I suspect some kind of processing difficulty or neurodiversity but no idea what or where to begin getting it checked out at his age. Not that he'd even want to.

There are sort of two separate interlinked issues here: his getting mixed up, and his blaming you. Does he acknowledge that he has these struggles?

If there is ND (could be dyspraxia if there's organisation and executive function difficulties) then that goes hand in hand with a poor memory, which might be causing embarrassment. I agree with PPs that he probably doesn't want to admit to you (or himself) that he's forgotten something, so makes up a cover story or rewrites history.

Ask him to get a heating test then go from there.

Hearing test! Sorry.

Reading my posts back I look muddled up myself. Apologies for all the mistakes!

I have wondered about something like dyspraxia. I know he had a lot of problems at school with certain things but he won't really discuss it and I don't think there was ever any kind of diagnosis.

I think there's definitely an element of not wanting to admit to having made a mistake so getting defensive/blaming.

As I said it used to be regularly losing/forgetting things. The amount of times he's left the keys in the front door or walked out of the house past his lunch and left it on the side. But he has got a lot better with that type of thing.

Afaik he is fine at work and is very good at what he does. He says that he's so overwhelmed by work that he gets mixed up because he's got too much on his mind.

There are links to hearing loss and dementia plus if one puts off wearing hearing aids those brain ear connections can be lost forever so I'd start with a hearing test.