Moved even further down the favouritism line

[NotGoldenBalls]

I have a low contact situation with family due to being the non-golden balls member of the family. DB was always the perfect one, I was and still am the poor relation. It has caused me enormous issues as an adult and I still struggle with it.

It was DM's birthday recently and I sent a card and a very small gift as it was a special one. Although I am low contact I don't want to give them more ammunition to say I'm a terrible daughter by not sending a small token gesture.

She called to say thank you - I hate speaking to her as I always leave the call feeling enormously shit. I haven't spoken to her since last Christmas.

She spent the entire call telling me about how proud she was of my second cousin (who's recently passed a big exam), who she barely knows and how she's sent her a card. She only knew this from Facebook. I've never had a card from my parents in 20 years. Didn't ask about me or my family.

What is it with me? Being second best to my brother my whole life is something I've had to come to terms with, but now being passed by a second cousin they barely know???

WIBU to go completely no contact?

This sounds a bit petty I realise reading back. There's years and years of being made to feel shit by them and DB being able to get away with murder (not literally).

Oh OP that sounds hard. How is your relationship with DB? Does he understand the double standard? I'm wondering does your Mum talk you up behind your back and for whatever reason never to your face? I know someone like this, no interest in me but praises me behind my back.

Being honest here, but unless you and second cousin are doing the same job or course I don't see why praising the cousin is interpreted as a criticism of you. It sounds like you are interpreting everything through a negative lens. Possibly paranoid after years of feeling second fiddle to your B.

I think you are doing the right thing keeping low contact and on your terms.

Thank you for the message. Relationship with DB is OK, he doesn't understand though because he's never experienced it. He's always had the perfect treatment.

I don't see treatment of 2nd cousin as a criticism of me, just as another example of them not being interested in anything I do.

I'm interested to know why those who voted that IABU think that?

Tell her you feel passed over

I have discussed it in the past but she won't have it, denies its happening even with evidence. DM is a very difficult person to have an honest conversation with.

Sounds like she’s doing it on purpose to make you feel rubbish, also sounds like she gets a kick out of trying to put you in your place.

It’s not you, it’s her.

There’s nothing you can do about it other than accept you can’t change her, and try to stop expecting her to be a kind and loving mother.

From my experience, it gets easier once you realise that she’ll never change.

💐

Thank you, I have almost come to terms with it, it just reignites when I have contact. I think NC is the only solution.

It’s horrible. I get the same. No interest in my life but will talk about my brothers and their families.
Then told that I’ve made everything up when I mention things that have happened that have upset me.
Gone NC now. It’s the only way. She won’t change.

Oh definitely, I made it all up throughout childhood and into adulthood. The nearest I ever got to an admittance was when she told me it was because I had a louder mouth than him and he was quiet when something went wrong.

Who is she telling you're a terrible daughter to? Why do you care what they think of you? This is the key to understanding that nothing you do will change her opinion of you and you have to come to terms with she will never be the mother you want her to be. It is awful but true.

I would just cut all contact with her. She brings you no joy only misery so why have someone like that in your life? It doesn't matter that she is your Mum, she is a shit one. I would suggest you look up FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You are contacting her out of one of those, not because you actually want to. Look after yourself.

Over time I’ve acquired some insight into people like this- beyond the initial ’what a bitch!’

It’s a combination of
not actually knowing how to talk to you so she brags about other people’s achievements.
only being interested is certain kinds of things- specific achievements- so again, nothing to talk about.
an inability to process her misjudgment when she decided you were, somehow, ‘difficult’.

It’s more an inability to do relationships that don’t exactly conform to her preconceptions, therefore reliance on certain reliable patterns of behaviour ‘oh yes, we talk about people’s success’.

You didn’t fit her mould so she doesn’t know what to do with you.

I can still hear the conversations DM and DDad had when I was a child probably knowing I could hear, about how awful I was and how was it possible to have such a lovely son and nasty daughter.

I would imagine that if I hadn't sent a card/small gift she would have a conversation with Dad about it again? Possibly DB and DSIL?

I don't know why I still care. I wish I didn't.

As in, she’s not deliberately trying to upset you!

They've only ever showed any kind of pride in me once and it was a work achievement.

DB used to "pretend" and still does to some extent, that he was in the Army. Weird I know, but where we grew up it was the norm for lads to join the Army. He didn't join, but always pretended he did in a jokey kind of way. They found this hilarious and because some of his friends were in the Army, it was something that was discussed at length. I think they even started to believe it.

I did actually join an Emergency Service and was very successful. When I first told them I was going to do it, they said, "you'll last four weeks at most". When I'd been in four years I discussed this with them and of course they were joking!

One of my promotions they were visibly choked up with! It was a big deal for me but they'd never been choked up with my wedding, child's birth, anything remotely emotional, but were with my work promotion.

Tell her you feel passed over

There’s no rhyme or reason to it. It’s hard to really fully process, but they are basically a bit broken.

Have you ever read anything about the scapegoat/golden child syndrome? It's unfortunately quite a common unhealthy family dynamic.

It's not you, it's her OP. Always was, and sadly probably always will be. All you can do is work on really understanding and accepting that it's not your fault.

I am also from a family with a similar scapegoat dynamic. I don’t have a lot of contact with my mother but in the last few years I’ve really done some research on how to handle it. You can go non contact, and this is absolutely fine and understandable.

Or, the other option is to reduce any expectation of a relationship with them. This is very hard to hear but the situation will never change. You can rant at them, scream how you feel but you will never be right in their eyes. They do not have the capacity to be any different. Treat them like you would a stranger. Polite, but not too invested.

You’ve successfully reduced contact and well done for that. I really hope you can give yourself the love you deserve and I’m sorry that the ones who should love you, don’t in the way you deserve.