AIBU or is my DP?

[LaffyLady]

My baby is two months old. DP works full time, so I do 90% of all of the care for baby, including all of the night wakings. I have my own business, which I can’t just completely abandon whilst on maternity leave, so I have been doing around 10 hours per week.

Baby’s naps and how our days go can be very hit and miss. Some days he doesn’t sleep, he will cry a lot, he wants to be on me 24/7. Other days it is the opposite. So it is very unpredictable. I try to go out of the house for at least a few hours every day, for my benefit but also for baby. This means I’m not keeping on top of the housework in the way I usually would, but the house is not terrible by any stretch of the imagination.

Yesterday, I spent the day at home in between doing the school run for our other DC. Luckily, baby had a good day, so I managed to do the dish washer, two loads of washing, all of the baby bottles, tidy the whole house and cook myself and my step son (16) a healthy lunch. I also worked on my business. I was really happy and pleased with how the day had gone.

DP came in last night with a face like thunder, complaining he’d had to scoop the cat litter and it was full of poo and stunk. He had no appreciation for anything I’d done. The cat litter is in a part of the house that isn’t often accessed, the only person who uses that area daily is my stepson. So I do often forget to do it (out of sight, out of mind). I have said to DP that I think my stepson should do it, as he uses that area of the house, and he isn’t expected to do any chores (beyond the usual keep your room tidy and sometimes he tidies up after dinner). DP went on a rant about how the cats are ‘mine’ and stepson won’t be sorting it, I just need to remember to do it.

AIBU to think this is a bit of a piss take considering I’m doing all the childcare for our new baby, whilst also juggling the housework as best I can and maintaining contact with my business?

DP is being a little mean here !
well done you for all you do.

I barely get time to do anything with my baby 😂
dp should count his lucky stars.

Stepson is "his" and you won't be sorting things for him?

But that would be unfair. Which us what your partner is being.

Don't take on all the chores they can be shared between everyone, including the children. Your partner is included and as you are full time child care the rest needs splitting with him taking a very large proportion.

Don't be a martyr.

Thank you.

DP converted our garage into a home gym during lockdown, that’s also where the cat litter is. Only he and stepson use the home gym, I have no reason to go in there (unless it’s to specifically do the cat litter). I think they could scoop it as they use the space daily. Stepson will also do a full work out with the litter box smelling of poo and wee, which I really do not get!

But DPs argument is that they are ‘my’ cats!

Well they are your cats, so no I wouldn't expect anyone else to clean their shitty litter tray, especially a child. And as your cats you surely should remember the basics of looking after them. But if you're working you shouldn't be doing 90% of all childcare and housework.

Your cats that you wanted and nobody else would have chosen to get? Then 100% your responsibility alone to clean their litter. Your house and baby are joint, so move some of those chores and baby care to him, but the cat shit is 100% on you. I'm not surprised he was angry, we had a cat when i was little and i still vividly remember how much cat shit STINKS the whole house out. Having to deal with a litter tray of a cat that i didn't choose to have, would make me angry too.

If they’re your cats, I don’t think he’s being unreasonable expecting you to keep up a basic level of care and hygiene for them. He is, however, being entirely unreasonable if he isn’t appreciative of the fact that you’re doing the majority of the housework and childcare while also working, even ‘just’ part time!

Sounds reasonable then if they are your cats then you should clean the litter box.

Then when his washing needs done make sure you tell him it’s his job to sort.

and when his dinner isn’t cooked tell him it’s his job to sort.

and when his older son needs a lift somewhere or something done tell him it’s his job to sort.

If they are your cats I do think you should be doing that horrible job.

The rest of what you say is separate I think.

This is a very sensible point. Relationships should not be transactional to this point. People should be reasonable in doing their bit without complaining. If he's going to be that petty how about you wash only your own clothes, cook only your own food etc? Of course you wouldn't because that would be childish.

I would be very unimpressed if my DH had a massive grump on about doing a singular task when I had done everything else!

I'd be saying that as stepson is 'his' not mine, I would no longer be cooking meals for him, doing his laundry, or anything for him.

In my house if anyone sees something that needs doing, they get on with it. The idea of leaving festering cat poo until the card carrying unionised worker arrives to clear it up is beyond childish. Whose job is to call the fire brigade if the house burns down? A household is a tribe of people living under the same roof for emotional and practical mutual benefit. Anyway, your DH sounds like a complete dickhead and a very unkind man. I'd shove the fucking cat litter in his face.

I thought we were past ‘mine and yours’ when we had our baby to be honest!

I agree that as a family we should all muck in. I do chores for both DP and my stepson, I’m sure they wouldn’t take kindly to me saying that as their cleaning, washing and cooking isn’t ‘mine’, I won’t be doing it anymore!