To feel increasingly lonely the higher I climb in work?

[Fireal]

I’m in education and have worked part time since my children were small (about 6 years) but am getting to the point where I’m thinking about returning full time fairly soon. I absolutely love my job and have worked hard to become specialised in a specific area over the last few years. My boss has really helped here and I’ve found myself in a position where I’m doing well and have a clear path. However, the better I do at work, the lonelier I feel. We are a fairly tight-knit work place, but I never really feel particularly close to anyone (although I do have friends there) - and this is partly my fault as I can’t really enter into gossip / drama etc (and nor would I want to) as it’ll damage my profile.

AIBU to ask is this a normal part of climbing the ladder? Or am I doing something wrong that sets me apart? I’m fairly reserved in work but I do know my area inside out and work hard to stay on the right side of senior leadership. Is it possible to do this and not get people’s backs up? Problem is, part of my job is quality control within my area and often that involves working closely with people who may not have the quality aspect quite right!

I’d love some advice as I’m beginning to doubt myself!

Totally normal

try finding a life outside of work so work is just a tool to support your life rather than being all you need from life.

I don't know but I hope someone will have some advice as I'm in a very similar situation, also in education. Since joining SLT I miss the sense of camaraderie with my team and now feel a bit lost sometimes. I had a coach at work when I made the transition and he kept saying, 'Who is your main team now - it's SLT!' as for a while I had to do my old job alongside the promotion. I got where he was coming from but SLT in my school isn't a team in the way that the department is. It remains to be seen whether friendships will last for me - some were really just work-based but others I would hope will last but they will change. So no advice but lots of solidarity!

That is good advice @bungletru . My life outside of work is great (busy but full). I think I just can’t help internalising that the way I’m treated at work (that sounds as if I’m trying to play the victim so sorry for phrasing) is a result of some character flaw. I’m not really sure how to navigate the feeling of being pushed out socially; maybe I need to alter my view of work totally!

Absolutely normal
One of the reasons why people move to progress - if people mentored youbin your early career , have seen you drunk on a work night out etc theyvhave a certain image of you and often fail to appreciate development and experience gained.

@mrscatwoman I’m also in a school. I’m not actually on SLT (yet - it’s in the pipeline), so I’m in a funny position of basically having no real team I feel. I’m covering a role for a colleague (and friend) which is slightly above mine. This role is linked to my own (which I’m still doing), and I’m covering mostly to keep things running smoothly (I don’t actually want her job!). I’m not being paid for it (it’s middle management) and I think she resents changes I’ve made (I’ve not really touched her specific area - more my own which I would have done anyway). This colleague in particular is fairly instrumental in how I feel as she’s very influential in our place (although not actually SLT). It’s hard to know what to do isn’t it! I worry about how I’m perceived.

From reading your replies, it sounds like you have a classic territory issue with this colleague.
people can get like that at work.
you have to do what is right and hope they see the bigger picture.
unfortunately climbing the ladder does get lonely but you have to decide where your priorities are, if they’re to have less progression and more friends then take steps to do that
or if it’s to progress more and reap those benefits then you may have to find a way to accept that it will feel lonely, but as I said find a way to lean into a life outside of work. If it is a busy life and you don’t like the way it is maybe it’s time to make some changes so you can learn to love it instead.

I find it’s best to say nothing controversial ever and this does distance you from gossipers/ people who bond over talking about people.

Realistically, anything you say can be used against you and the higher you go, the more you represent the “brand”. So you HAVE to stay neutral. FWIW lots of people lower down the chain also feel this way too. Enjoy your position 😊

That sounds really tricky and, as PP says, there's no win-win solution, unless your friend comes to accept the changes you have made, which is out of your control. I have prioritised progression, for financial reasons more than anything as I'm a single parent and can't afford to turn opportunities down. However, I've known many people make the choice never to go for promotion, often when they seemed like ideal candidates, as there's a certain type of person in schools who see SLT as 'bad' and they don't want to be part of it. They choose to stay with the 'good guys' on the ground instead, which is absolutely fair enough, and I've known others be promoted but then step back down. I have a different perspective in my new role but to many it is seen as 'selling out'. You have to try not to worry how you are perceived as you really can't control it and it's usually dependent on things that are nothing to do with you and all to do with the person doing the perceiving! It's easier said than done though.

I’ve felt like this at work in the past but then I remind myself that when I was part of a little clique at work I disliked it as it was so bitchy, I’d be worried about missing lunch with the others at work because I’d worry they’d talk about me. In the end I distanced myself a bit and in my next work place I decided that I wouldn’t worry much about friendships at work and focus on being seen as someone who doesn’t get involved in bitching etc

Yep. It's lonely at the top.

We had an assistant head at the school I worked at who tried very much to still be 'one of the gang' as she moved up the ladder. The net result was that nobody really respected her as a leader.

It's difficult to be work friends with people you line manage. Colleagues yes, friends no. I never joined any cliques either, work and home life were completely separate.

Yes this is true. But sometimes it helps to have a private word with someone you trust. Just be sure whatever you're saying is as fair and balanced as possible.

These replies are making me feel better. Deep down I think I know it’s circumstantial rather than being a problem with me, and I need to accept that shift. I’ve always tried to stay out of gossip & controversy, but I’ve always had friendships (work related) up until I began to climb. I still get invited to things, but I feel like I’m set apart to a lot of colleagues because my life is quite separate from my job: I’m there to work hard and do a good job and I want to progress because I know I can whereas a lot of colleagues are happy with where they are, and content to keep things ticking over. I do honestly see the attraction to that way of life!

@RudolphTheRedNosedSpaniel I have a slightly senior colleague who I use as a sounding board a lot. We have a good relationship and I’ll often go to them for advice. They’ve progressed further than I have simply because I’ve prioritised family for a short while, but we have similar experience and styles.

Slt or equivalent will mean a change in relationships. You can't expect to be matey with people you'll be essentially managing.

Find something outside of work and try and build relationships with ppl in equivalent roles in other settings.

It’s part of progression in my experience. It can be a heavy (lonely) load to carry, especially middle management as you aren’t earning the big bucks that afford the stereotypical “high life” of a boss, but you also have to have distance from people you’re line managing. Nobody has sympathy for a boss (think of the hundreds of films and sitcoms about hero workers and their awful bosses!) so intense levels of resilience needed, which is a good skill to have anyway, and one of the reasons you’ll progress (ironically!). If you’re lucky you’ll have at least one work pal you can raise your eyebrows with/have a giggle, they just might not be with you every day/week. But all that said - good for you for achieving all that you have. Sounds like you’re doing really well in your career :)

I think it’s quite normal. DH is a headteacher and his teacher friends are people from his previous schools who knew him as a normal teacher. It’s not feasible that he’ll make close friends with other members of staff when coming in to a new place as the head. Hasn’t seemed to be a problem, he gets on well enough with his colleagues day to day, and has close friends elsewhere.

All brilliant responses and advice thank you! I hadn’t actually considered that friendships / relationships could span schools rather than being within my own. Without going into much detail, I have a role within our LA outside of my own school, so do have the opportunity to get to know professionals in this capacity which is good.

Nobody does have sympathy for a boss - you’re right. Im in the difficult position of not actually being a boss but having to line manage in a capacity which is - I imagine -seen as intrusive. I think what doesn’t help is that I’m currently part time and I think some colleagues assume I have a very easy, privileged life (I’ve worked bloody hard to get where I am and suffered a lot of knocks in my career) because my husband earns very well and our lifestyle doesn’t need my earnings particularly. I think in the current climate, perhaps there’s resentment there for that. But honestly I want to progress because I’m good at what I do and want my own career to flourish now our children are older!

It can be lonely at the bottom too though. I just networked when I got promoted and found people to socialise who were also at my level.

I agree this is a thing. I am now in a school with a bigger SLT so more people on my level, I also share an office which helps a lot.
Hope you find your way :)

I don't work in education but I do manage a small team in a small organisation and it is lonely. There is no one else in the company on my level, I have to be the boss so I am friendly with my team but I am careful about office gossip and I find its easier to keep a bit of a distance. The business owners aren't my mates either, I need to be professional and have worked hard to get promoted and earn their respect.

We had a difficult HR issue last year and if I had bared my soul to that employee, who I got on well with, it could have been really damaging. I have come to accept this as part of my work life but it can be tough emotionally. I also think that keeping your guard up can become a habit and spill over into your personal life if you are not careful, especially if you are someone who is naturally quite reserved.

Its work not a social club

This is definitely the way when you get more senior. People either want you to go down the pub so they can pump you for information which you can’t give or they want to go alone to moan about management and let their hair down.

I agree with building your network outside work and being friendly and professional at work.

@Notwhatyouwanttohear No one is saying work is a social club; we’re agreeing that the higher you climb the lonelier your life at work can be.

I do actually see colleagues who genuinely enjoy being at work for the camaraderie, although I would argue work relationships never really run that deeply. My husband and I were saying before we think you can have the social element to your job, but generally if you climb - and don’t have many or any peers - you are choosing your career over this.

I’d agree with a lot of what is said. In many schools there is and ‘us and them’ situation aimed at SLT and once you get there people may start being careful around you. people can sometimes feel you are there to trip them up which if you work in a quality assurance role that may be quite prominent when deep down we’re all there for the same thing.

You need that one person who you can go to and chat things through with if it’s your line manager, someone of a similar position. The amount of crazy things that happen in school on a daily basis you do need a friend.