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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil not interested

28 replies

sarah0106 · 03/11/2023 01:36

So my mil has never really been there for my partner growing up, we have a 5 month old and while pregnant I thought she might show more interest as first grandson. Cut a long story short myself and her have had words since son being born till now. She said she would change, come to visit more, spend time with son and grandson. This lasted a 2 weeks was around every day for hours sitting in silence. Partner asked her to cut back as he wasn't used to her being round all the time and used to her only being in the house once in a blue moon. This has been twisted to be me by her, she now doesn't contact myself or spend any time with grandson or come across wanting too.

Am I asking to much that she not atleast shows and interest instead of making it seem like she just doesn't care about her first born grandson?

OP posts:
DaizenShine · 03/11/2023 01:38

She did come round every day for 2 weeks until she was asked to cut back so it doesn't strike me as if she has no interest. It seems like she may be hurt?

WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 01:40

I expect she’s both confused and hurt

Original poster
sarah0106 · 03/11/2023 01:41

I've spoken to her about it saying it was too much going from no contact to coming round every day and sitting in silence. Just not sure what's expected, should I be letting her come round every day sit in silence and not engage with my son and let it have a negative impact on my partner

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 01:45

Well why don’t you try talking to her and making her feel welcome and confident?

BiscuitBrewInMyBigBlueMug · 03/11/2023 01:47

You can't force something that isn't there to begin with
She just may not be Maternal, not all Mothers are
Just carry on with your life, enjoy your baby and if she shows an interest then take it from there
You've gone from 0-100 in 2 weeks and no one was happy

pizzaHeart · 03/11/2023 01:47

I think some people are more natural around babies than others. Your MIL might be not the one. Plus it’s easier when it’s your own daughter rather than DIL.
However she did come. She probably wasn’t sure what to do/ to talk about or didn’t want to interfere. Maybe she was disagree with what you were doing or completely forgot everything about babies.
Plan something, invite her and help her to be included.

ReluctantFishLady · 03/11/2023 01:49

Yeah maybe she is feeling like she has been pushed away and is licking her wounds a bit. Maybe you could ask her over for lunch one day?

AnnaMagnani · 03/11/2023 03:08

She wasn't a great parent but somehow you thought presenting her with your baby would result in a personality change?

She gave it more of a go than most. However you can't make her and your partner get on and neither can you expect her to meet your grandparent expectations.

Let her be.

BaybeeTammy · 03/11/2023 03:26

Can't she visit when he's at work

Nagado · 03/11/2023 05:23

sarah0106 · 03/11/2023 01:41

I've spoken to her about it saying it was too much going from no contact to coming round every day and sitting in silence. Just not sure what's expected, should I be letting her come round every day sit in silence and not engage with my son and let it have a negative impact on my partner

What was her response?

Also, did you talk to your DH before inviting more contact with his mum? I’m not surprised he was overwhelmed; that much contact would be too much for someone who had a great relationship with their parent, never mind someone in their situation. I suspect it may be too late for them to ever enjoy a relationship that could be described as close, but hopefully that isn’t the case for her and your DC.

I think you’ve gone into this expecting her to react how you would react in a similar situation. She’s obviously not in the slightest bit maternal or family oriented and it clearly doesn’t come naturally to her, but she’s been willing to try and make an effort, which speaks volumes. She just doesn’t know what to do, or how to do it. And as you’re the one who started all of this, I’m not surprised that you’re the one she’s blaming. It’s easier to blame you than herself. I suspect she’s feeling angry that you’ve asked her to be there, she’s been there as much as she could and now she’s been told to go away again. And I’m not saying that she’s being at all reasonable, but that’s how I think she might feel.

I think you need to talk to her again. Tell her that the whole situation has been badly handled and you want her to play an important role in your family, but one that works for everyone. She seems like she wants to have a relationship but doesn’t know how to. Tell her exactly what you require from her. Maybe suggest that she comes round for two hours once a week, and have an activity for her to do. Like asking her to do a feed, or do a bath time. Something practical that doesn’t require her to be particularly emotional but will still hopefully build a bond between them, while not overwhelming your DH. She’ll know what’s expected from her and will be able to deliver it.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/11/2023 05:42

Just leave her off. She is not going to change. She is not able to do this for whatever reason..maybe to do with her own personality..maybe to do with her childhood. She won't, unfortunately add anything to your babies life and that will make absolutely no difference to them. Just visit or dh visit her with the baby once a month or something. By asking her to change you are expecting the impossible. Just accept she is who she is.

Rightsraptor · 03/11/2023 05:51

She is just not interested. She's tried, but she can't fake it. You need to accept this, I'm afraid, and she won't be the granny of your dreams. Or any granny at all, probably.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2023 05:56

Leave it between her and your partner to arrange visits- not your job to facilitate contact with his Mum

IggyAce · 03/11/2023 06:05

Honestly I’d leave it to your partner, take the lead from him.
Your baby won’t miss out on someone they don’t know, put the effort into those people who show an interest in your son.

Ragwort · 03/11/2023 06:11

You sound very controlling-you can't force someone to show an interest in their grandchild ... maybe you should have phrased it differently like 'would you like to come for a coffee on X morning' or 'can you come and feed the ducks with us tomorrow'. I can't imagine any future DIL telling me 'I must show more interest in a DGC' Hmm.
Just leave it for now ... focus on your own family and friends.

Ffsnotaconference · 03/11/2023 06:33

You had words telling her to be there more. She was. Then her son had words and told her not to.

She may just not understand what it is you want. You can’t force someone to be there and then feel comfortable, become good at small talk and generally change to be the person you want her to be.

If she doesn’t feel comfortable around you or her son (or even around people generally) you can’t force it.

If you wanted her around more you probably should have done something like inviting her round. You knew she wasn’t a maternal person, but randomly assumed that would change because you had a child. And decided that decided that she had to change. You wanted her to change and be more involved. So maybe you should have guided exactly what that looked like to you and your partner.

You ‘had words’ and wanted her to do something different, she did. But that version of different wasn’t correct. Didn’t suit you or partner. So guide her.

If you had posted before this I would have said invite her out or to yours occasionally. Or leave well alone and let your partner deal with his own mother.

RedCoffeeCup · 03/11/2023 06:36

I think that in reality someone who wasn't very present as a parent rarely changes to become a hands on grandparent. Stop expecting anything from her and then you won't be disappointed.

Peepshowcreepshow · 03/11/2023 06:39

If she struggled to parent her own child, why do you think your child is more important than his dad? Stop meddling.

electriclight · 03/11/2023 06:40

Most people don't respond well to being criticised and reprimanded.

You did this when you told her that she wasn't taking enough interest and she responded with daily visits.

Now you have done it again by telling her to come less often.

If she wasn't particularly warm and available for her own son, then she was unlikely to suddenly become so for a grandchild. That said, she obviously cares and wants to do the right thing as she did start coming every day. Now she feels awkward, confused and embarrassed. Maybe you need a regular visit day/time.

HoppingPavlova · 03/11/2023 06:45

She’s probably very confused. You had words and told her to be there (which is odd in itself as most people would just invite for specific purpose such as morning tea/lunch/afternoon tea/an outing to the zoo etc), then your DH told her not to come around. I also don’t understand the sitting in silence. Did you make conversation and she refused to answer? The whole thing just seems odd.

Also don’t understand the relevance of first born grandson? Does she have other grandchildren, who are girls, or was it meant to be first grandchild, or something else?

curtaintwitchersannonymous · 03/11/2023 06:47

It sounds like she did her best to do what you wanted, but you really were very vague, and super critical, and she had no idea what you wanted, and so has gone back to her own life. I don't really understand what you want from her, or why, either. It sounds like you have made things a lot worse between her and her son. Just don't interfere at all, and leave the two of them to it. Tell your partner that you will take the lead from him in future

Spirallingdownwards · 03/11/2023 06:49

By not being there for her son did she raise him or someone else?

She doesn't know what is expected of her when you as a couple give mixed messages. If her DS has said to stay away I suspect she is waiting for specific invitations now.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/11/2023 06:57

What????

You complained that she wasn't involved enough so she came round every day.

Then you complained that she was there too much so she then stopped coming.

If I were your MIL, thar would've seriously pissed me off. She tried to please you and then you made her feel unwelcome.

Just do what normal people do and invite her round once or twice a week.

MigGirl · 03/11/2023 07:13

Invite her round once a week and take it from there.

But as someone who is 16years into this with our kids being the IL's only grandchildren don't expect touch. It took me a little while to realise that it was always us that went to them. We probably went once a fortnight before having kids. Then when my first baby came along and it was harder for us to travel. She would scream the whole time in the care seat. They didn't come to us hardly ever.

Manadou · 03/11/2023 07:40

sarah0106 · 03/11/2023 01:41

I've spoken to her about it saying it was too much going from no contact to coming round every day and sitting in silence. Just not sure what's expected, should I be letting her come round every day sit in silence and not engage with my son and let it have a negative impact on my partner

So she's got to hang around while you make your bloody minds up? And you think she's being unreasonable?

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