gifts

[westendgirll]

My daughter has gone to university this September. I have worried about her for the last couple of years because she has had some mental health issues. She has had a few tough years because her sister died, and her Dad and I split up and we both remarried. Obviously tough all round for us all.

She has chosen to go to a uni 250 miles away so it is not easy to check on her wellbeing. She has had counselling before she left home and I tried to talk to her about her feelings but she shuts me out.

I have tried giving her space, and I have sent her just a few happy, funny, light messages, and I have sent her 2 presents by post. I have had very few replies...it has been like drawing teeth. She hasn't said thanks for the gifts,and, oddly, was freaked out about receiving the first one...she said it was like a threat because it was anonymous! I was trying to give her a nice surprise!

I went to see her and she was relaxed, chatty and seemed fine. However, I still worry because when she was at home, she told me that she was fine and I discovered that she was really unhappy, even considering suicide (I found a suicide note and writing about how useless a person she was.) She was also trying to cut herself: hence I arranged counselling. She went 5 times and then told me it was a waste of money

Comments?

Isn’t there a saying, no news is good news.

Dc grow independent very quickly when they move away from home. It may be a case that she’s just living the high life.

Could you just message her and ask her to reply with a quick message to say she’s okay. Maybe use the high winds as an excuse to message her.

You can only be available, but without being overpowering - I can imagine it's difficult to judge her threshold for this, but what you've been doing sounds about right to me.

Back off. And it is a bit weird sending an anonymous gift to someone in her circumstances.
Many kids go miles away to uni, it's not necessarily a reflection on how she feels about you. But you need to let her be.

She has sent me a message today...could I please pick up her scarf from her ex's mother! Lol

BTW...no high winds where she is...not down south! 😆

I sent my DD a care pack each year when she was at uni. Paracetamol, lip balm, Lem Sip, Soothers, Strepsils, blister plasters and a bar of chocolate. She said her housemates said she had a cool Mum and they all used the stuff.

Very tricky given her mental health history, but I would say a lack of contact is entirely normal for first term students, busy throwing themselves into their new worlds.

I was like that, and it doesn't sound like you're giving her space to me, it sounds like you're being very proactive over contact.

Sorry, I know and understand that you're worried, but I think she's got to forge this path herself and just know that you are always there for her.