To go low contact with my mother

[Anawana]

My parents separated when I was 8 months old. My father moved to another city when I was 3, and my mum when I was 5. I was left with my abusive nan. Just to give you an idea, my auntie went to therapy during her divorce and her therapist said that her mother (my nan) sounded like a textbook narcissist.

My mum was aware of the abusive behaviour, she was exposed to that growing up herself, yet left me with her. I'd see her every 2-3 week. Even before she moved away, I'd see her only on weekends and odd weekdays. I was left with my nan pretty much full time since I was a newborn. The reason for her relocation was a promotion and she did well in her career. She bought investment properties and always said that 'I had to abandon my beloved daughter with a heavy heart, but sorted our future and finances.'

I moved in with her when I was 10, but our bond was never strong. I was left unsupervised whilst she worked long hours. I moved abroad when I was 23 and have been living away for the last 6 years.

I don't speak with my father. In mum's case, she is 55 and retired, travelling the world. 5-6 long haul and around 10 short haul trips a year. She phones me pretty much every day but often to moan about her problems and money. She also asks favours such as 'can you look for a cheap flight ticket to so and so country?' despite me having shown her how to use Skyscanner many times. Or 'can you help me create a video comprised of my photos from my last trip?' I work full time and don't have time for any of this. Also, quite frankly, I don't feel particularly close to her.

Today we had a fight on the phone. She told me that she put one of the houses on sale. I told her that it's her money and she can do whatever she wants with it, but I felt disappointed that the only silver lining of me growing up motherless was the financial security of those houses. She told me that it was her houses and hers only and she didn't owe me anything.

She said that I wasn't even a good daughter as I never helped her out (with the things I mentioned above). I told her I didn't rely on her at any point of my life anyway. I told her that despite struggling with anxiety and depression since I know myself because of the childhood I had, I had a good career and made something out of my life. She then said 'You won't go far in life if you still blame me for your issues and act like a victim'. I hung up and decided to go low contact going forward. AIBU?

I'm sorry OP that sounds really tough but you must be proud of yourself for doing so well despite the challenges.

She sounds like she treats you like her support human. I would probably say " look I'm happy to chat occasionally but I'm not your support human, I've showed you how to do x and y yourself and I've had to work these things out for myself I'm sure you can too"

Then see what she says.

But no you would not BU for going low contact.

Maybe you could pay for mediation/therapy for you both to work out the issues with someone there to male sure you can both speak. She sounds like a pain but that she does want a relationship with you, but you also don't want her thinking you are a convenient carer for her in her older age. To be blunt though, having the inheritance is probably worth keeping some relationship but depends if she is going to waste it all on her lifestyle.

Your mother sounds like she has narcissistic traits like her own mother.

My own mother has narcissistic traits, as did her mother - it’s learnt behaviour from a young age.

No loving mother abandons a child at 5 years old and leaves them with a parent they know are toxic.

Why don’t you speak to your father?

You sound like your mums emotional blanket - her phoning you everyday to ‘moan’. Does she take any interest in you during these phone calls? I somehow bet she doesn’t. Does she have any friends or does she rely on you?

She comes across as very emotionally insecure. Personally I would put boundaries in place with her and if you have to go LC.

My own mother is very emotionally immature (narcissistic herself I believe) and takes very little interest in me or my life. Years ago for my own mental health I went LC with her and the relief is immense.