To consider fostering

[Adviceplease18]

I am in my 40’s and have a beautiful primary age son. I am single and love solo parenting so another child is not on the agenda. I’ve had fostering in the back of my mind for sometime now. Anyone done it? Regrets? Positive stories? I think we could provide a stable loving environment.
My son loves other kids, he is great with little ones. I know it will change the dynamic but im
seriously considering it. AIBU?

If you have a spare room and time go for it

If you’re sure your son won’t get jealous, do it. Lots of children need a loving home from someone like you.

No way not until your solo DC has left home

I'm not even going to go into how naive you are at this stage

Think long and really hard about why these DC are being fostered

And how their backgrounds and dreadful experiences will affect them and in turn your DS and you

If you feel you would like to do it take the first step, you can change your mind at any time. I have been fostering for 20+ years though not in the UK and I say go for it.

I wouldn’t. You will be bringing troubled children into your home. I don’t think that’s fair to your son or good for his well-being.

I would suggest that you foster but not until your own child is much older . We waited until our child was an adult and then adopted an older child. We have been able to really focus on their needs without any impact on our first child.

You have to consider it very carefully. There is research about the impact on the biological children - not great.

I think it'd be better to wait until your own child is grown. It's unpredictable and stressful.

Absolutely not while your son is so young
Unfair on him and the child being fostered

Not all fostered children are troubled, I think that's unfair. My dd is an adult now she is a beautiful human being who has never given us a moment's grief. Yes you have to expect some trauma, and I personally wouldn't take any children older than your own dc for practical reasons, but fostering is a very positive experience for lots of people. As I say, you can opt out at any time if you feel its not for you, but you will never know if you don't take that first step.

I haven’t but would consider it when mine leave home. A good friend fostered around 25-30 children over the years and regrets doing it whilst her own children were young, she feels it negatively impacted them significantly

I think if the children are fairly young and you’ve got the time to help them then it’s a really worthwhile thing to do. Otherwise maybe something to consider when your son is older

I'm sorry, but it is absolute madness to even consider this while your son is still a child. Foster kids are in the system for a reason, usually many reasons, and all of them are bad. These children usually come with very serious emotional issues that could turn your life and the life of your child upsidedown. For as much as you want to help one of these poor kids, the well-being and stability of your own child must come first. The risks are many and are far too great.

As the bio child of a family who fostered I have positive, interesting & funny memories.
We had both very short / respite type placements & longish placements. 18 months was the longest I think & we didn't foster again after that baby left, she had come to us straight from the hospital. I think that was particularly hard for my parents when she left. We then 'foster' unmarried pregnant women during their pregnancies, lots more funny stories!! Full disclosure this was Ireland in the 80s

children in foster care never come without trauma, some of that can be very damaging to your own child. Social services often don’t know the extent until they come into care and make disclosures (or display it in their behaviour). Personally I wouldn’t want to have my child witness that in their home which is meant to be their safe place. It’s a wonderful thing to do and you truly make a difference but I’d wait until your son is an adult.

Wow, the responses here make me feel so sad. We have fostered for over twenty years, our birth child was four when we started the process.
We've fostered over one hundred children. Some stayed one night, four stayed so long that now as adults they are still with us and as much a part of our family as our biological dc.
Yes they all suffer some level of trauma but with love, understanding and compassion the majority turn into well adjusted adults.
I remember when we started I booked a caravan to take the children on holiday. The woman who owned the caravan found out we fostered and immediately cancelled our booking saying "I don't want that kind of child in my caravan"
What a bitch, some of the responses on here remind me of her.
Op, it's hard work but so incredibly worthwhile. It's definitely not for everyone but if you start the process you can always pull out. Your dc will be part of the process and if SWs think fostering wouldn't be right for him they will tell you.
There are 43 children on the current list today in our LA alone who are desperate for a home. Its absolutely heartbreaking to think of them bouncing around emergency carers because we are so short of carers in this country.

Please do it. We are desperate for someone to have our disabled child for an odd night occasionally but there is no overnight respite available because there aren't enough foster carers. You could just do respite fostering and then you could still spend most of your time and energy on your son but also make a huge difference to a family with a disabled child.

another saying wait until you own child has grown up. my family did it, and they children were so complex that it totally took away the the ability to spend any real quality Time with the bio child, never mind the stress or growing up with traumatised kids coming into the home.

I feel the same TimeForBed, I wonder how many of the nay-sayers are foster carers themselves. I stopped telling people years ago that my youngest two were fostered because they assumed that they would be troublesome, one person even asked if they might have aids. I know lots of foster carers, many of whom have gone on to adopt their los, yes some have horror stories to tell, but mostly they are just quietly raising these children with their own and doing a fabulous job of it.

No way.

Thank you for this, my feeling is that mt son would ‘cope’ well. He adores other children and is slowly developing a social conscious.
The ppl who have said we can pull out if we realise it’s not for us have set my mind at ease.
I will of course try and put him first and not do anything that may be detrimental, although I do realise tje extent of some behaviour and trauma is not picked up on prior. It’s I really tough one! My worry is if I wait till he is grown I wiil be too old with no energy!!

Good for you OP. I’ve wondered about fostering as my kids get older and become independent. I hope it works out for you.

I'm adopted into a family that fostered children including temp fostering of babies where the mother was in crisis and also older teenagers. My mum had her 80th Birthday and we were all there or sending congrats. It's a fantastic thing to do. Not all are troubled teens. I was fostered and eventually adopted because my birth mother was killed in a traffic accident. My eldest Foster brother because his carer was sent to prison, but he was never ever in trouble himself. Explore what it means and make informed decisions. Good Luck.

@TimeForBedSaidZebadee Thanks for what you do. I adopted an older child whose only experience of a normal life had been living in a foster home.

It’s something we want to do. I’m currently doing training but we’re thinking that when that’s over we could do respite care so it’s like one weekend a month commitment. My dc are fully on board and as a family we feel we can offer a loving home. There’s lots of options such as emergency care or more regular. I worried dc would get attached and struggle to say goodbye.

family friends used to foster (they’re my parents’ ages so retired now) and had the good the bad and the ugly (teen set fire to their home deliberately) but overall, they had good and the last two siblings they fostered the foster dad walked the daughter down the aisle like his own. They also had 4 dc of their own.

you can always try and see. Be really open with your ds and do it as a team.

And my mother has two birth children in the mix and we are all close and were when we were growing up. There was one member of our family who didn't think it was right to adopt when there were birth children, but she was definitely an outlier and the rest just welcomed and involved the fostered and the adopted. My dad was a vet and we fostered and adopted animals too. And now my family take in every stray animal around and foster them...
So you might set a pattern for your son, OP😂