I’m after a bit of prospective here, I feel like I need to be convinced that I’m not being unreasonable.
So my husband and I met when we were very young, been together 25 years. We have 4 kids aged 18,15,10 and 4. When my eldest was born my husband was desperate to start a business in quite a niche market. The result was we moved about 500 miles away from all our friends and family. My eldest was 6 weeks when we left, I wanted to be at home with her and by doing this I could. He basically worked every hour to set up the business no days off, not getting home until v late. On the plus side we now have a lovely house, nice things and no money issues.
When my second child was born I had a really hard time and ended up being diagnosed as bipolar, I was so bad. Since then it’s been a long journey of meds and therapy but I worked so hard to never let my kids see me in an episode. I am much better but I am now at the peri menopausal stage of my life and I struggle with my libido and just feel no desire. Whilst he constantly tried to make me want to, it has gotten to the stage where I have had to say ‘if you do that it will be rape’. He understandably finds it difficult but doesn’t seem to understand why I’m not interested anymore.
Fast forward to this week, we are in New York for a huge trade show and my dad is looking after my girls. We got here a few days ago and have messed up our sleep schedules for a few days. Yesterday we were walking for 6 hours and went for drinks and a meal but by 9pm I was exhausted and we decided to go back to our hotel and have a few drinks in the room and watch tv. Upon getting back I started to fall asleep which made him cross. He kept trying to get me to have sex or kiss before I went to sleep but I was exhausted and said not tonight.
Unfortunately the next minute he got up started banging drawers etc while putting things in a bag saying that he was going home. He tried to take my phone with him so I got up and snatched it back, he then shoved me and starting screaming at me for treating him like crap. I had to hit him to get him to get off me. This is fairly typical behaviour if I ever disagree with him, he will say I’m criticising him and bitching when I don’t think I am. He always storms out upon arguments sometimes up to 3 weeks in order to cool off. In fact the week before we went he didn’t come home from work, didn’t answer any of my messages etc. I didn’t know what was going on. He then returned fully expecting my dad to be there and me packed ready to go.
When I was having therapy my therapist did ask me if I thought I was being gaslit, to be honest I told him no. However the more I think of it the more that I think he might be gaslighting. My husband says he’s stressed and I am cold and show him no attention. To be fair with 4 kids it’s hard, they are all at different stages in life and most days they absolutely exhaust me.
I’m currently sat at the airport waiting on a flight to take me home, he’s just messaged to say he’s still in New York but wants to go back to the uk. I booked all the tickets etc for the trip and gave the details but he’s not due to fly for another 3 days. I bought a ticket from another airline so that I could get home asap. AIBU? Sorry for such a long vent, I just feel so bad.